My mother in law belittles me...read on?

Question

but she does it in a way that isn't direct - so no one but me really notices. Her and her family are from europe and I'm an American - she belittles my ways of cooking, cleaning, caring for my home, even the way I do laundry. My husband doesn't see it and complains that I'm not close enough to his family or that I don't love them. I don't know what to do because I would like to be close with them but they make it impossible because of their actions, comments, and remarks.

Answer 1

Maybe it's partly cultural. I mean, in her culture, saying things like she says might not be taken as rude or belittling. At least you might be able to talk to her or your husband from that stand point. You could calmly and politely say that these things she says (give 2 or 3 examples) hurt your feelings and that how you were raised it would be taken as an insult.

My mom in law was like this in the beginning of our marriage, and I spoke to my husband about it. He in turn talked to her in a loving way about it, and things have gotten much better. It didn't happen over night, but it did happen. Now we are very close. She tries not to say the things that offend me, and I try to remember that she really does love me and has the best in mind for me, even when she says things that are hurtful. Hope this helps.

Answer 2

First of all, your husband should always respect your opinion. However where his mother is concerned, you have to be very careful. Do a little online reseach on their culture, and the way they perceive things to be done. remember you are an american, and a lot of Europeons view americans as spoiled and lazy, so you'll need to do something to not be on the defensive. You'll have to meet them more than halfway for the time being and get them on your side. Find out the little things that they can appreciate and not give them any ammunition to use against you.

Mixing family cultures can be hard, however it shouldn't be painful. Talk with your own mother/parents about what is going on and perhaps they have some advice for you. remember your mother is a mother too, so she may have similar experiences to share and be able to offer you some great advice. Good luck.

Answer 3

Watch the TV show "everybody loves raymond" The mother in law always does the same thing to the wife in the show. WHat you have to do is ignore it. If no one notices or believes you then dont complain about it. When she comments ignore it or say "oh and how would you do it." In a sickenly sweet voice. Or just say "well this is how I do it and this is the american way." Remember that in Europe the people have HORRIBLE teeth (dont visit dentists much) and dont take baths/showers much (sometimes only once a YEAR! French people mostly are like that). So when she says things about cleanliness remind her how clean Europe is or just think about that to yourself. I wouldnt take any cleaning advice from a woman from Europe!! :)

Answer 4

My daughter-in-law and I are both so lucky! We love each other, and neither of us would dream of making mean remarks to each other. Of course, neither one of us is perfect or exactly right all the time.
You have a bad situation, since your husband is not on your side. If you think you have a problem with his mother, then both of you have a problem. He should be listening carefully, and calling his mother to task for her remarks. Europeans often have big problems standing up to their parents.
If there are no remarks, then you both need to go to counselling, because you have some sort of problem with his mother. It needs to be resoved together.
The main thing is: if you have a problem about anything, both of you have a problem. He shouldn't be allowed to blow you off, just
because HE doesn't have a problem.
How can you get close to his family when you are living with a man who doesn't face his problems, doesn't respect his wife and takes his mother's side against you. Of course, you would be resentful and hold yourself back from closeness with this bunch. Good luck.

Answer 5

Since you are married you are in this for the long haul. It would probably be good for you to come to some sort of middle ground with his family, because you are going to see them for the rest of your life. Since you have a cultural divide it might not be best to confront her because she might not understand what you are saying or she may take it the wrong way. Try talking to your spouse about it and see what he says. If that doesn't help, then just learn to shrug off what she says/ignore her - eventually she will get the hint.

Answer 6

Oh no, can I ever relate!! My ex husbands mother was wretched! NOTHING I ever did was right. My husband (and every other one of her children) were so afraid of this overbearing cow, that none of them would stand up to her. He let that bag ruin my life because he couldn't stand up to mommy. I looked after my kids so well, they were always well dressed, clean, warm, well fed, I took them for walks, bought them things. But she always tried to make me feel like I was worthless and only she knew how to be a mother. I hated that woman. Finally, after putting up with her nonsense for 9 long years, I told the old witch off! Shortly after, I left my husband, and still harbour bad feelings toward the both of them.

I realize now, she's a sad, lonely, pathetic old lady, who wanted attention so bad, she had to try to put down others to build herself up, at the expense of others. Whatever, I hate the old bag and will never think well of her no matter what. Some people are just cows and thats it. If your husband won't stand up to her, then you either need to, for your own sanity, or you need to tell your husband how serious it is. Don't let her actions cause you stress. IT will get much worse when you have children..just a warning to you..ifyou don't get it under control now, it will just get worse.

Answer 7

You can respond (sweetly) that this is the way YOUR MOTHER showed you how to do it. Tell her that your mind is open for improvement and ask her to show or tell you how she would do it. If she actually responds, thank her and tell her that some of her suggestions are quite good and that you will take them under consideration. Who knows? Maybe she does have a good suggestion or two. Do not be afraid of her or hurting her feelings. It is obvious she wants the upper hand and that no one is good enough for little sonie boy.

Answer 8

Beat her with Kindness, remember she would do this to anyone that was the wife, don't take it personal and be extra nice to her. It will drive her crazy and eventually she will quit.

We know how women can "sense" things, I can but I am a dude. She will sense that she is not bothering you and quit. When she starts in on you say, well tell me how would you do it? Then watch and see if her way is any better or if shes just busting your chops.

Answer 9

I see we got a mama Barone (Everybody Love's Raymond's mom). Do like Deborah did in one episode, play along with them and make them right about everything or stand up for yourself and tell your husband this is making you uncomfortable and he needs to talk with his family or there will never be peace. Let him know you are willing to try and just notice the little insults that she gives you and her behavior towards you. Let him know you love him but you want love and respect in return. Ask him how he wants you to handle this (put it on his shoulders) and tell him you will do what he says, or not.

Answer 10

I have had this problem with my mother in law. So what I did is, I would call her over everything, litterally everything. Then she started complaining to my hubby about this and I just simply said "Hey, arent' you the one who wants me to be closer, I am trying this- she obviously doesn't want me to be close." After a while my hubby started to see what I was talking about, maybe you should try it. It worked for me, lol. Good Luck!