The Best Joke Gets a Whole Ten Dazzling Points!?

Question

Go on, humour me.

Argh I posted that twice, ignore the first one

Lol please

Yes you are right, manners are important

Answer 1

mary always fell asleep in sunday school. the teacher grew tired of this and began to ask her questions to see if she'd wake up.
" mary, who created the earth?" the class deliquint, who sat behind her, poked her with a pin." God almighty!" she shouted. " yes! good job mary! how 'bout this one? who died on the cross?" mary, back asleep was distrubed by the menance behind her." jesus christ!" "good! you're so smart! okay, what did eve tell adam after the birth ofd their twenty third child?" the kid jabbed her again. "if you stick that thing in me one more time i'll break it in half!" the teacher fainted.

Answer 2

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses,one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing
nervously around,searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.The plane moves faster and faster down the runway,and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers Relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die"

Answer 3

A man wanted to join the army so he went up and spoke to a Sergeant, the sergeant said before you can join u have to go and blow up a building, so the man goes away and comes back a couple of hours later and says i have done that, the sergeant says good now for the intelligence test recite the alphabet for me, so the man goes
A C D E F G H I J K L M O P R S T U V W X Y Z

The sergeant goes that's not right you missed out a couple of letters there.

The man says no i didn't, i have just blown B&Q up

Answer 4

Three men are driving along in their car, when they hear a voice on the radio talking about a 'Butcher Song'. Now, these men decide they will not rest until they find out what this Butcher Song is. So they spend the entire day searching the town, asking butchers, if they know the Butcher song. As they are about to give up, they find the very last, and the oldest, butcher in town.
"Do you know the Butcher Song?" they ask him
"Of Course i do! everyone knows the Butcher song!" He replies
so they beg him to tell them. after a while, he gives in and starts singing.
"You Butcher left foot in, you Butcher left foot out, You Butcher left foot in and you shake it all about! You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn around! thats what its all about!"
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Three couples (an old couple, a middle aged couple, and a newly married couple) decide they want to join their local church, so they go and see the minister, and ask how they are able to join.
"Well," the minister said, "You must go 2 weeks without sex".
So the three couples went off, deciding to meet back there in two weeks.
When the two weeks were up, the Minister asked how it went.
The old couple said it was easy, and the minister let them join the church.
The middle aged couple said it was hard for the first week, but easy after that, and the minister let them join the church.
The man from the newly married couple, however, said "well, my wife dropped a can on paint, and as she bent down to pick it up, lust took over, I lifted her skirt and we had sex right there and then"
"PAINT???" said the Minister "I'm sorry, but i do not think you are allowed in this church".
"That's ok, " Replied the couple, "We're not allowed in the Hardware store either."

Answer 5

Bill walks into a bar, near the top of the Empire State building. He goes to the bartender and buys a drink. As the bartender gives him his change, another man at the bar turns to Bill and says:

" Did you know that if you jump out of this window, because of the wind direction, the height of this building and the speed which you will fall, the winds will simply carry you back up to this window?"

" Rubbish" says our Bill

"It's true" says the man.

The bartender shakes his head to himself and carries on cleaning glasses.
And to prove his point the man walks to the window and throws himself out.
Bill watches as the man falls, past the seventh storey.....past the sixth storey ......then as he falls past the fourth storey, he swoops back up into the bar window.
Bill can't believe his eyes.
The man says "You try it".
Bill is still reluctant however, so the man once again throws himself out the window, and once again is thrown back in.

So Bill this time runs to the window and throws himself out.

He falls past the fifth floor, past the fourth, third, second, first and go's splat on the pavement.

The bartender turns to the man " you know what Superman? You can be a real moron when you're drunk."

Answer 6

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."

Answer 7

Two builders Paddy and Mick are driving along in their van when Paddy says to Mick,stop here I really need a pee,ah sure we are nearly in town says Mick and you can go to them new toilets down the steps off the main street,right says Paddy.
5 minutes later Mick pulls up across the road from the toilets and Paddy runs over and down the steps,ten minutes later he returns looking very pale,what the hell were ya at asks Mick. Well says Paddy I ran down the steps and there was this big black guy standing with his tool in one hand and a gun in the other,he says to me,such this or I will blow your brains out.Holly jasus shouts Mick,what did ye do;well did ya hear any shots replies Paddy !

Answer 8

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.



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A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .



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A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"



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"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'."



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The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded: "You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"



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A lawyer, who was talking to his son about entering college, said, "Now got into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?"

"Well, dad," answered the son, "did you ever hear anybody get up in a croud and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?' "

Answer 9

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are all enjoying a beer in a pub when three flies come in through an open window and land plop, plop, plop, one in each beer.

The Englishman says, "Bloody fly." then takes a fork, genlty removes the intruder, wraps is up in a napkin and throw it away.

The Irishman says, "DIE, FLITHY FLY!!!" then smashes his mug on the floor.

The Scotsman picks up the fly, bends one wing behind its back and says, "Spit it out you little thief!"

Answer 10

2 wpc's are answering a call, flying down the road, lights flashing, bee-bars going when one says ' ere, mabel. when that call came through i was, ahem, getting it on with the new desk sargeant- iv left my sodding knickers behind the counter! the other scratches her chin n says, not a problem! we've got the dog in the back, give him a quick sniff of the crime scene, and tell him to retrieve! the dog came back with three fingers and a Toblerone..