Is my way of discipline good?

Question

I have a daughter who's 6 and we have a special way of disciplining. The first time in a day she misbehaves she gets a warning. The second time she misbehaves she has to stay in the corner(timeout). The third time she misbehaves-I should mention she usually doesn't get to 3-she is spanked with the whip of her choice (choices are belt, hand, clothes hanger etc.) Today and yesterday she has gotten to number three and she keeps saying i am a bad mommy for being mean to her and i don't know how to be a mommy so i'm wondering is my way of discipline good or is it just making her hate me?

By the way i don't BEAT her it's usually only one or two whacks and it isn't often. She gets like spanked about once every 5 months or so. It's only when she does something really bad like swearing or lying or stealing. I also talk to her before i spank and do not BEAT her! Just thought i should make that clear.

Another thing, for all of u who say that using a clothes hanger is child abuse, my daughter has acctually said it hurts less then the belt. It just hurts me when she says she hates me.

Answer 1

I think your way of discipline is pretty good. People just gotta loosen up, it isn't abuse unless it leaves marks or the child is risking injury. A few whacks with the belt or a clothes hanger is no big deal. Some kids need a nice hard spanking once in a while. I have a very good example of what i mean. One of my best friends was skipping school in sixth and seventh grade and going to the mall and stuff during skool time. When his dad found out he took the belt and beat him so hard that he could barely not sit down after. Was his father trying to abuse him? NO! He was just showing him that what he did was wrong and though i thought that beating was a bit too severe, i think his dad did a good thing to get him back on track. We are now in eleventh grade and he is a straight B+ student and on the honor roll. Does he hate his dad? No, in fact, he said that was the best thing his dad ever did for him and it's because of that beating that he is doing so good in life today. So the point of my story is that a spanking is very good once in a while IF NEEDED. Now, back to your problem. I think your way of discipline is good and the only reason your daughter is saying she hates you is because she is trying to make you feel bad for disciplining her. She'll get over it in a day or two but if she has been misbehaving so much more lately then there might be something wrong so i would suggest talking to her. Good luck! Oh, and i'm sure you are probably not a bad mommy.

Answer 2

First Rule of thumb with spanking, it called spanking for a reason, it is done with your hand. I have never used anything but my hand when I have spanked my 6 yr old daughter. And those that say spanking with a hanger/belt or any other obnject is child abuse, in most states it is. No matter how you discipline your child, she is going to hate you. All parents have heard this and will contiune to hear it until they move out on their own. My daughter doesn't get 3 times before she gets a spanking. The punishment fits the incident. My daughter knows that if she does a certain thing, she will either stand in the corner or get a spanking. There is a cause and effect for each action.

Answer 3

If you are whipping your child with something then you are abusing her. STOP. There are much better and more respectful ways to teach a child. Wouldn't you hate someone who showed you so little respect that they beat you with a belt/hand/clothes hanger/etc. when you did something wrong?

STOP WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING. Not only is it not working, it's abusive!

Get some good books on parenting -
How to Talk So Your Child Will Listen & Listen So Your Child Will Talk by Faber & Mazlish
Kid Cooperation by Elizabeth Pantley
Kids, Parents & Power Struggles by Kurcinka
Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey

Find out if there are any parenting support groups or classes near you.

EDITED TO ADD:
Sorry...I don't care how often you do it, how many times or if the belt hurts worse than the hanger. It's NOT RIGHT. Stop hitting your kid. (Beating, hitting, spanking, swatting.....it's all the same thing!)

Your problems are swearing or lying or stealing.....

You can teach her NOT to do all that stuff without resorting to violence. You're teaching her that hitting is OK. Do you want her boyfriends or hubby to treat her that way? Because you are teaching her that it's OK!

Stealing.....make her return whatever she stold and appologize for it. Have her work to earn the money to pay for something she stold.

Lying...depends on what she lied about

Example: if my kids lie about sneaking candy then they aren't going to get any dessert later.

Swearing - Where did your *6* year old learn to swear? Maybe you need to watch your mouth too? Really...what kind fo swear words does a *6* year old know? Tell her why they are bad to use. Set a good example for her. Set up a "swear jar" and anyone who swears had to put some money in it.

Take away privledges if you want...no TV, computer, gameboy, etc.

Just please, stop hitting your child.

Answer 4

Everything sounds fine except the use of an object for spanking. I know my parents often threatened to spank me with a spoon and I know my husband got the belt so I know where your coming from, but the best bet is to use your hand for a spank that doesn't really hurt. Make sure if you spank then it is not out of anger. Everyone has different opinions about whether spanking is ok or not. I think it honestly is up to the parents. As for your daughter hating you, 6 year olds often have a difficult time understanding consequences. She does not connect her behavior always with the punishments. I like to use positive reinforcers and make sure there are many priviledges that she may gain or lose depending on behavior. Put up a daily behavior chart for her, she can put a sticker on each day (or hour if the day needs to be broken up.) After a week of all stickers, treat her to a special day at the ice cream shop, let her pick something out of the dollar bin at Target, etc. Positive reinforcement is a lot of work on the parent side, but it really does change the behavior a lot more then negative reinforcements.

Answer 5

One thing you were not clear on was, is she being punished for the same thing repeatedly, or is she getting progressively harsher punishments for different offenses?
If it's a different thing every time, then NO, I do NOT agree with you.
Each offense should carry it's own punishment, and those should be commiserate with how bad the offense itself is (dumping hot water all over the floor is REALLY bad, while sticking her finger in the fish tank is really a nothing offense).

I was ok with everything up till you got to the belt or coat hanger. Are you trying to become the next Mommy Dearest or something??? Oh, my goodness. If you MUST use something other than your hand to hit with, then may I recommend a plastic fly swatter??? Anything that has the potential to leave a bruise is BAD.

And why should you get to the point of hitting? All that teaches is that if you can't get what you want, enforce your way of thinking with violence. Sit her butt in time out all day long if need be! You're still bigger than her - there's no need to get to the point of physical punishment.

May I suggest that you both go get some family counseling? She IS 6, so she should be able understand not to do something bad over and over, and you can be given tools to help you learn to channel your punishment more effectively.

Answer 6

What you are doing is perfectly fine. Clothes hanger is a little awkward, I've never heard of that, but as long as your just using it as a flat end and not like jabbing (puncture) I don't see what's wrong; I would take a hanger over a belt.

I think that the "I hate mommy" is just a stage. My young sister has always been like that from the time she could talk, but once she's done being upset she would always realize she was wrong and come back and apologize to my parents.

I would highly suggest not to back off, she will get the wrong idea.

Most importantly, make sure she knows exactly why she's being punished! Make sure you let her know that you're doing it because you love her and (if your a Christain) you can use Bible verses to explain (He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him - Proverbs 13:24).

I am sure many people will disagree with me and say that only words should be used and you should stop spanking. Listen to me: if it were me and my only punishment was words and at the worst, time-outs (grounding doesn't work at that age), it would not stop me from wrongdoing.

So I'll say again, as long as you're spanking and not beating, you sound right on track; don't let down, don't let her melt you're heart: she'll get over it.

Answer 7

you have informed her of the consequences of her actions which is a good start. at 6 years old you may want to change the third time to taking away a privilege or a toy for the remainder of the day.
spanking is ok. don't give her a choice in what you will use - that puts her in control. the best thing is to use your hand on her bottom, that way you are in control of the intensity and the point of contact. also it is important that you don't spank out of anger. if she has pushed it to the point of spanking - tell her to go to her room - give yourself a few minutes to go over the situation - then go to her and tell her why she is going to get a spanking now - then once you have spanked her - let her know that you don't like to spank her and you don't like her behavior - but you love her and want her to learn right from wrong.

your daughter is testing your limits and needs to know that you will stand firm in your decisions - if you back down now - you will have a bigger battle. you are not a bad mommy - children need discipline - look at society today - everyone cried out don't spank your kids and now we have a world full of undisciplined adults.

hope this helps - eventually the spankings will get less frequent and the talking with her about her actions will be the norm.

Answer 8

i think that's a pretty good way. it gives your daughter the choice of how she's going to act through out the day and it's up to her how she acts. i don't know about the hanger....i would rather that than a piece of wood made into a paddle (that's what my stepkids get at their mom's house.)

she is telling you that because she thinks that if she does it will hurt your feeling so bad that you won't do it and she might be able to get away with more. be strong, and be consistant with the discipline. as long as you explain to her why it is that she's getting in trouble, then i don't see a problem with it.

as far as being a "bad mommy".....i'm a mother of 2 of my own and 5 stepkids. i don't think anyone KNOWS exactly how to be a mom or a dad, it's something that we have to learn everyday so there is no kid that can tell you whether or not you're a good mommy or a bad mommy. she is most likely hearing things from her friends, and telling them what you do to her as a punishment, and the friends are the ones says you're bad. don't forget that kids exaggerate things they say alot when they're talking to their friends....especially if the others around them "help" tell the stories.

Answer 9

Do you want an answer to this question or is this and effort at justifying your sadist parenting techniques. The fact you defend using a hanger on your child is a clear sign you've got a skewed idea of abuse. The difference between discipline and abuse is really quite simple, what's the point. I run to build my cardiovascular strength and because I like running but there are days when I don't feel like it. This is what discipline is about, I make myself get up because I have a goal. As a parent you are responsible to have a goal when applying discipline, a point in the best interest of the child. If you steal you go to prison stealing isn't good, don't steal. Lying is offensive and for that reason I don't want to be lied to. If the point is to shame, humiliate and or beat into submission your child you're doing a grand job of it. The fact you expect her to choose the "whip of her choice" indicates you've blurred the role of parent and child. As an adult you're the one responsible to control your temper and to determine what's approiate discipline for the offense. You by these methods have raised your daughter's threshold for pain and her perception of fear well beyond what a six year old should experience. Your daughter at six years old is taking door number three to let you know it doesn't hurt anymore. What are you gonna do when she's ten and can't reason logically reason apart from punishment ? What will you do when you can't control her without your actually physical presence ? You've painted yourself in a corner with this method and your daughter at six is taking door number three as a direct challenge to you. If you don't reverse this trend and seek alternative methods you'll lose your daughter, perhaps that's your goal. I'm afraid to even ask how long you've been practicing this method, how old was your daughter was when she first chose the hanger ? If it hurts less she must choose it alot ? If she chooses your hand do you hit with more force ? Any lesson you've set out to teach your daughter with that method of discipline is lost by it's application. I suggest if you really want and answer to this question ask her kindergarten teacher. Mention this "special way of disciplining" at your church and see what they say. You are teaching your daughter all the wrong things and six years old she's pushing back and no your method is not good. Your method is for parents to lazy to do the work of training through discipline and not force. Congratulations you are able to beat a six year into submission through a ritualistic and sadistic process that you call discipline. Your method teaches three things he who is strongest wins, fear mommy and hate mommy. Why would a time out work for a child who's threshold for pain has been upgraded to a hanger ? Why should it ? If you really wanna know if your "special way of discipline" is good instead of posting the question on Yahoo Answers anonymously call a day care center ? They way you have chosen to "discipline" your child says more about you then it does about her. It says every infraction is worthy of the same response door one, door two or door three. So she will learn that lying is the same as spilling milk or not eating her carrots. It says that your so committed to this that you force your daughter to chose the instrument of her punishment and by that you feel justified. She is six, your in theory an adult. The fact she says "it hurts less" doesn't make it any less unacceptable in practice, she's a child. Were you ever a child ? If this practice is good then your daughter could show her friends mothers the welt marks a hanger leaves right ? If it's a good method why post this question here where no one knows you ? It's not only a poor method of discipline it's abuse in all fifty states. There are plenty of books out there on discipline, pick one read it and do the work you are the parent. If you were audited for abuse of a child you'd be faulted. What baffles me is how a parent can spank a six year old with a hanger and I have two girls both six. What do you get out of this and I hope you don't say the satisfaction of a job will done. How in God's name do you look yourself in the eyes after you do that and call it discipline ? That thing that motivates you to justify this and forces you to have your daughter chose her "whip of choice" is called guilt. It's called shame and in this case it's healthy listen to it. Will you approve this method if other people discipline your child that way ? What is the "we" in your special way ? The adult is the teacher the child is student. The adult parents the child is a child there is no "we" in the act of spanking. That's why it's not the most effective method of discipline. If you can't accept the consequences of spanking then it's not for you find some other method.

Answer 10

I dont agree on the clothes hanger. The hand I do as long as you dont beat them or leave marks!!!!!!!!! The belt I dont use but it does scare my 3 year old. His daddy started saying do you want me to get the belt and he straightens up and never been whooped or hit by it. So I believe you can discipline a child without using objects actually better. My oldest son was and still is a wonderful child never got in trouble have had to call him down but he listens. My middle child is the hardest to deal with but hes getting better. Bottom line dont use objects to punish your child and change your rule a lil warning, timeout then bed or take a favorite toy away and remember to explain to your child you are not being mean to her you are being a parent you want whats best for her you want her to listen and be a good lil girl