By the way, this aging parent is my mother in law, and while my husband and his mom agree it "will happen" some day, I really do feel she would be better served in a facility where she could get full time care. We both have two jobs and are forced to often leave her alone. She has been deemed unable to stay alone for long periods of time or able to self administer her drugs. I feel there are underlying reasons why the move has not taken place; ones that are apparent to me, but not to my husband or mother in law. By the way, I have the support of both our families that this move MUST be made for a myriad of reasons. Thank you for any and all input. I really appreciate it.
2006-07-31 09:08:56 · 16 answers · asked by Colleen H 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I think that in your situation, you have to let your opinion be known, and explain your position, but ultimately your husband is going to end up being the one to face that when the time comes. If they both feel that it's not yet, you are outnumbered even if you are the only one basing your feelings in logic (and it seems that way to me). Hubby will agree with you or not, but I don't guess you ought to fight with him over. He has a right to little bit of denial concerning his Mom's age and condition. If you don't support his decision, you're asking for some animosity there.
Can you not look into some sort of in home care? Like an at home companion who could spend a few hours with her. I'd do some calling around, and see if there aren't any other options other than the apparently callous shipping Mom off that nursing homes seem to be to Hubby, and Mom in law.
Chin up, you'll fight it too when you get there!
2006-07-31 09:21:59 · answer #1 · answered by niffer's mom 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You seem determined to put your mother-in-law in a nursing home. Did you ever think how devastating it would be for her to leave her home and most of her belongings to spend her remaining days in an institution. Is the real reason because it is too inconvenient for you to deal with it?
There are so many organizations that help the elderly live in their own homes. I used to work for a Human Services and there were people in worse condition than your mother-in-law. These people were living in their own home that I visited some daily and some just once a week. I administered medication, picked up groceries, took them to doctor appointments, and etc. Some were blind and paraplegic, senile, and one was 100 yrs old.
I also visited one of my clients who finally ended up in a nursing home which was a big mistake. A relative got tired of checking on him which was only a few times a year. The poor man refused to eat and died within 3 weeks. He was so happy in his own home and I'm sure would still be alive today. I was told by a nursing home employee that the average length of stay is 8 months for these old people. They just don't have any reason to live once they end up there.
Please let your husband help your mother-in-law make the decision of what she wants to do. That should be between a mother and son. There is also assisted living that is an option. I had several clients that I visited at places like that and they were very happy in that kind of setting.
I don't know if you have children. If you do they will be watching how you handle this problem. Someday they might have to be making that decision about you. This is a good time to set an example.
By the way, my mother-in-law lives alone in her own house 2 hrs from my husband and I and she is 92 yrs old. We take turns with another relative driving every other week to take her grocery shopping and doctor appointments. She should be in a walker or wheelchair but she forces herself to clean her house, feed her dog and water her flowers. Thats what keeps her happy and alive.
2006-08-02 04:29:29 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes-sometimes it's not a matter of preference on the family's part or the mother-in-law. When it becomes unsafe for you all and her, then it's time to get everyone together and have some long talks.
She can leave and get lost, administer too much or not enough of her drugs, someone else could hurt her, and tons of other really bad things. You don't want to have that on your mind as part of her last years.
Having family in a care facility is hard emotionally but you'll have to make the time-that's the most difficult thing, especially with everyone working. She'll be really upset at first but once she sees what kind of she's receiving, she'll ease up.
Good luck.
2006-07-31 16:14:21 · answer #3 · answered by southrngirl2724 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I work for psychiatrists who deal with the elderly. Sometimes, YES, families do have to make the tough decision that it's time for their aged relatives to get care.
If someone has full-blown dementia they are often very very distressed, unsafe to be left alone (like leaving a child alone) as they can wander or leave the cooker on. They are extremely vulnerable.
Some of our patients have been ripped off for £0000s with bogus workmen calling and getting them to write cheques for nothing. It's very serious.
Add to that dementia/Alzheimer's where they don't sleep. How long can you go without sleep? 5 years? 20 years? Often carers have breakdowns and go before the ill person. At least professional carers/nurses work in shifts!
The other thing to consider is that in the case of mental illness sometimes the decision HAS to be taken out of their hands (ie, they are sectioned) as they can't make an informed choice.
It's very very hard but don't let others judge you. Unless THEY are prepared to lend a hand. And by that I mean really lending a hand - not just making the odd phonecall or sending flowers.
I hope this helps.....
2006-07-31 16:15:15 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't know if you are referring to Alzheimer's or another kind of mental illness. I think if it gets to the point where the person is a danger to themselves, such as wandering off or something similar, it is time for closer supervision. Whether that is through a nursing home or hiring an attendant during the day is another matter. Boy, that is a hard decision. In the case of Alzheimer's it is likely that the person won't agree to go as well, as all kinds of fears and emotions are going to interfere. Same with other serious kinds of mental conditions.
2006-07-31 16:13:37 · answer #5 · answered by Cookie777 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would check with her doctor to see if he has any recommendations. He might be aware of some kind of nursing service that could check in on her or a day program she could go to. You might think about hiring someone to stay with her while you and your husband at work. My point is that there may be a solution that both you and your husband could agree on without using a nursing home.
2006-07-31 16:49:43 · answer #6 · answered by cldb730 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You want to do what I said that I would never ever do and I'm not going to either, put a parent in a nursing home!
Look at my profile on here! I had to make a choice of either putting my parents in a nursing home or keeping them at home.
The way I look at it, the parents did for their kids while raising them for 18+ years. Some times most parents do with out to raise their kids. As the years roll by and the parents are old and gray, their kids are now grown and have their own kids which more than likely, they are grown as well. Then us, as our parents kids, it is our job to care for our parents.
I have made that choice, since my parents didn't pawn me off to have someone else to take care of me all those years, I'm going to repay them by caring for them now.
I gave up a good paying job and my house and moved back to my parents house to live with and take care of them.
If that had not been an option for me, I would have had them live with me. I know for a fact that most people do not live very long in a nursing home and even though they say nursing homes are good, I have to disagree. I know of two people personally that passed away in a nursing home and the workers didn't even know that they had passed away until hours after they had passed away.
2006-07-31 16:45:42 · answer #7 · answered by SapphireB 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
if she goes, she dies! that's my belief. get Home Health care or a private nurse... I do not believe in those nursing homes, due to personal experience. They don't care about you, they care about a paycheck. If your mother-in-law is home then she's better off where she feel safe and secure. By the way, not ALL nursing homes are like this, but it is few and far between. I've seen and heard of alot of horror stories, I wouldn't want my Mom or Grandparents in one. I'd jump off a bridge first.
2006-07-31 16:23:56 · answer #8 · answered by amylr620 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Try calling her doctor and asking his opinion. He may be the one who has to convince her to live in a "facility". As for your husband, ask him what is going to happen when she hurts herself during the day because no one was there to care for her. Also, do you have any neighbors or relatives who might come sit with her, at least for a few hours, during the day?
2006-07-31 16:15:17 · answer #9 · answered by startwinkle05 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The time it is appropriate would be if She is unable to take care of herself, have family members unable to continue with constant care or if the family is unable to continue with Personal Care Services. You can contact various Independent Living Centers in your area and Council on Aging for many resources for aging citizens who want to live independent with supportive services.
2006-07-31 16:16:58 · answer #10 · answered by Erica, AKA Stretch 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋