Narcissistic personality?

Question

I finally managed to deal fairly well with my narcissistic ex husband.
But how do you remain calm when your divorced ex uses our child against me, which suddenly began talking in the same cold, intimidating, manipulative and belitteling tone as his dad (15). Like a true yerk . I start stuttering and get flustered because I feel cornered and then just give in. (Big mistake). My kid never acts like that when he's with me. I don't know how to deal with it.

Answer 1

I would guess that your son's behavior comes from 2 main sources:

1. The stress (hurt, anger, loss) of the divorce he feels now and the family problems that came before the divorce.

2. The influence of his dad, that you're describing.

Therefore help will come from 2 sources: emotional support AND strict discipline both.

Sounds like you and your kid should go into family therapy together. Often the parent who shows the most unconditional love (you) gets the brunt of the kid's anger. Conversely, the one who is least emotionally available (dad) gets put up on a pedestal for a while. One sign this is happening is your boy's mimicking of his dad's behavior. Some of it may be genetic, but in divorce situations it's often an attempt to get closer to the parent when their NEGATIVE traits are emulated.

Go in to a qualified counselor to allow you and your son work this out, and to allow him to vent his emotions appropriately, instead of acting self-destructively (narcissistically) or slamming you with it. The counselor may decide to steer your boy toward a good one-on-one therapist as well.

Now for the disciplinary piece: Good, you know you are giving in. At least you're aware of it! One reason you get flustered and stutter is because he reminds you of your husband and it triggers anxiety. Start catching yourself when you do this and mentally remind yourself he is NOT your husband. He's in pain and he's copying his father, partly because he hasn't learned better yet.

It's important to have a sit-down and let the little guy know things are going to change. You will always love him, but he's going to have to start making some serious choices from here on in. He can follow your rules, or choose to have consequences for disobedience:

Remind him that you pay for his clean and safe place to stay, complete with free food and amenities. That starting today there are going to be rules that will be followed, or he will lose priveleges like ____ (going places he likes, tv, whatever he likes but can't afford himself, or that belong to you, or that you bought). It's up to him. But that there won't be fighting about it.

Ok, so this will mean you must be willing to snatch up whatever toys, and not drive him places, etc. He will act out big time at first. You must remain stoic, unflappable. You may not be perfect at first, but that's ok. And one of the rules should have to do with calling you names and being rude ... so that when he does this there are serious consequences. You'll need patience.

I don't think therapy alone or strict discipline alone will work. I think they need to happen together. Otherwise there will be underlying hostility and much ongoing manipulative behavior that may become worse over time. Hope something here helps you.

Answer 2

I agree with Rewsna, you should try to get into family counseling. But if your ex-husband is narcissistic you may have trouble getting him there ,and if your son is 15 he may not be very co-operative either. You can work with your lawyer to make that part of the custody arrangement. I have a friend who did that for the same reason - her ex is a jerk and they need a 3rd party to intervene and make sure that what's best for the children is carried out.
For now what you can do is refuse to let your ex or your son or anyone else for that matter speak to you in a disrespectful, demeaning tone. You decide what you will and will not tolerate in relationships. Choose a time when you are not in the middle of one of their tirades to say that you value respect and you have decided that you will no longer allow them to treat you as they have been doing. If they slip up you will simply leave.
Wait for the next time it happens (it will) and say something like:
"I'm sorry but the way you are speaking to me (treating me) is unacceptable to me. I'm going to leave and when you are ready to speak to me with respect maybe we can continue this conversation." Turn, and go. Don't answer any objections. If you do that a few times they should begin to get the idea that you are not a doormat.
You cannot change other people and it is USELESS to reason with, talk to, debate, etc. narcissists. They only see things in only one way: their own. The good news is that you CAN change yourself. Get in a good 12 step group like AlAnon - people who have lived with alcoholics have learned how to set up good boundaries with abusive people and they will help you more than you can ever imagine.

Answer 3

This is your son, not your husband. Tell him who's boss. But if he doesn't respect you, yelling at him might make it worse. Maybe you should sit down with him and explain to him why your ex is your ex...meaning, let him know that it was this kind of behavior that broke up your family, and that he'd be better served to be more self aware and not act that way. After all, he's only 15 and still needs you. If you let him know how much this hurts you (and how much you DON'T deserve to be treated this way), maybe it will hit home with him.

Answer 4

lol..give em a good spanking take away privelages..you are the authority