The neighbor drops her daughter off to play with my daughter and her friend. No invitation, please help?

Question

Our neighbor brought her 12 year old daughter to the small town where my mother-in-law lives and watches my children (12 & 11). The neighbor girl just showed up with no invitation or anything. The rule is that my kids can only have one friend over and those friends have already been designated by us. This little girl is not one of those designated. She shows up at my mother-in-laws. I was furious at the other mom for "dumping" her daughter off without speaking to me or my mother-in-law first. This little girl had no way home (5 miles away). My daughter did not invite her not did she want her there hanging out. I wanted to confront the mom but my husband says that we should just tell the girl she can't be there and not worry about what happens from there. I think the mother is just plain stupid and rude. How would you handle this situation? I have kept my mouth shut so that my husband doesn't get upset with me but I am still very mad by the whole thing. Am I wrong?

The little girl was dropped of at the playground and then went to my MIL house to look for my daughter. She was dropped of by big brother. I am sure she lied to her mom about being invited. I have had a run in with mom before because she accused me of saying her son lied. My has a habit of trying to shoo the little girl away even at home. I feel sorry for the little girl but I am at my wits end with her and her mother. The little girl will call out house and just sit there and breathe heavily into the phone or voice mail. Very difficult little girl to deal with. My daughter tells her politely when she doesn't want to hang out and that's when we start getting the heavy breathing calls.

Answer 1

First of all, the mother should not drop her child off at her neighbor's baby-sitter's home in another town. (Did that make sense?)

I would confront the child's mother. She should know better. For one, she should have called to ask if her daughter could come over, or at least asked your mother-in-law, if it was okay.

And, how did this mom think her child would get back home? No parent should just drop their child off un-announced at any place, at any time, without prior arrangements made.

Really, parents these days, seem to think they can use other kid's parents as babysitters, without so much as asking.

Answer 2

You need to confront the mother, not the child. The child did not put herself there, the mother did. Your mother in law should have tried to call the mother at the time and tell her to come back and get her child. And if she could not she should have called the police and explained the situation.

I also think your husband is wrong. You can not simply kick a child out of the door with no way to get home and then no longer supervised. Its endangering the life of that child while supposidely under your care (even if you did not want it). The child is 12, not 16. And 5 miles is a long way to walk.

If it were me, I'd first have the girl call home and explain that she can not stay. If noone is at home, wait an hour or so to see if the parent returns for the child and have a discussion about the rules and guildlines for playdates at my house. If noone returns for the child in a reasonable amount of time and you can't find a parent then the police would be called to come pick up an abandoned child (this part would probably be somewhat tramatic for the child, so some sympathy for that child should be shown, but also don't feel guilty for having to do so).

Edit: even with your additional details, I think its high time you should start getting some authorities involved here. And because the child is known to lie, all the more reason to involve some outside help. Sounds to me like there is something more going on at that's little girls home, but not something you need to get involved in personally

Answer 3

Well, I think you should calm down some (it's possible this girl told her mom she WAS invited over!). But definitely talk to the kid's mom. Just give her a phone call and calmly tell her that although your daughter enjoys hanging out with her daughter, your daughter is not allowed to have friends over when your mother-in-law is watching your kids. That's all you have to say. Or you can say the same thing to this kid (as your husband suggested). Don't make a big deal out of it. You really may not know the entire story. And if your husband gets mad at you for calling the kid's mom, make him sleep on the couch tonight.

Answer 4

Let her mother know the rule you have already made. And tell her you are sorry but that's the rules. My wife is the one who initially answered but i felt it was necessary to let you know my opinion as well. First thing that i would do is discuss this with the child who was dropped off and inform her, because she will most probably more easily influenced, that she is supposed to confirm things like that with you or your husband first and if by chance it happens again that she should show up unannounced that the authorities will have to be contacted so that the situation can come to be resolved. I dont want to sound mean but if you use firmness with a child they tend to respond a little better than a parent. It is a parents natural instinct to defend their child no matter the circumstances. And even if the word gets back to the parents and you are afraid that they may be mad or offended or think your an awful person. You can reassure yourself that you were polite in not contacting the authorities in the first place. If they are mad you can know that they probably wont be dropping her off unannounced anymore. :~> Good Luck.

Answer 5

I think I would call the mom back up and tell her to come and get her daughter. Tell the mom that your mother-in-law is watching the girls as a favor to you and that your daughter is allowed only one friend at a time and there is one there already.

Then I think I would have a talk with this mom and just tell her that you know some people don't mind when people just drop in unexpectedly; however, you are a family that does not appreciate it. Tell her you've been brought up and you carry on the tradition of calling before visiting and you would appreciate that she do this next time to see if it is ok for her daughter to come over. Then I would thank her for following your wishes and let her know that you're grateful she understands your feelings.

I say "kill them with kindness!"

Good luck.

Answer 6

I don't think it should be on the mother at all. You say your daughter doesn't want to hang out with her, so why is she even wanting to hang out with your daughter? It sounds like an issue that should be brought to the parent's attention that the girls aren't exactly "friends" and inform them of their daughter's actions. If anything, at LEAST it will give them the knowledge they need to get their daughter some help. Calling you up and breathing heavy into the phone after being told she couldn't come over or hang out? Come on now, if this were to happen to me, I'd be threatening to call the cops. She's only 12, true, but she's stalking and harrassing your daughter. Let the parents know, give them the chance to correct her. If they don't do anything and it keeps happening, inform the authorities and find out the next step to keep your daughter protected.

Answer 7

WOW! Very rude woman and inconsiderate of others. This may or may not work, but you need to let her know how you feel, otherwise, you're going to treat the child different even though you don't mean too. I know you don't want to make the child feel bad, so try this out.

First, talk to the child, just explain that before she comes over, she has to call to ask if it's ok. Reason being... Grandma is getting older and wants to spend time with your daughter, but in addition to that, can't have too many kids over at one time. Kids usually understand that one.

Secondly, call the mom, let her know what you told her child and ask her to please take into consideration the fact that you're daughter isn't always available to play with her daughter since you just may be there without her and you'd hate for the little girl to be left so far from home all alone. Mention safety issues, pedophiles, etc.

Sometimes, you have to handle the most inconsiderate people with kid gloves even though you just want to ring their necks!

Good luck, hope you can get the point across!

Answer 8

It's best to talk to the mom and let her know that your mother in law simply can't handle another kid to watch on a regular basis, and that you have rules in place about who can visit and when. You should specify that if she wants her daughter to come she MUST call you or your mother in law and if she doesn't and justs dumps her child with you, you're very sorry, but you will have to bring her back to her own home, whether her mom is there or not. I don't think it is a good idea to only tell the girl, it is her mom's responsibility and the girl probably already knows she isn't welcome, and undoubtedly feels awkward. It's not really her fault.

Answer 9

You need to say something to the mother. Very politely request she call before she brings the child over. The next time she shows up unexpectedly send the child home. If it is a case that you can not because of a distance issue or the fact no one is home to watch her. Inform the mother of your babysitting rates when she picks the child up. I am not sure the going rate now, but last I heard it was about $5 an hour.

Answer 10

You should probably have a talk with the mom about setting up "play dates" in advance and not just dropping her daughter out without a prior arrangement. Don't do it in an angry manner. Just let her know that you would love your daughter to play with hers but that your mother-in-law can only handle 2 kids at a time. Hopefully your neighbor will respond positively. I don't think it would be responsible to expect a child to communicate that she isn't welcome to her mother. It either will come out wrong and there will be all sorts of hurt feelings or it won't be communicated at all and it will happen again.