Does anyone have any good jokes? Im 31 so have open mind--can be dirty or whatever--does not really matter!?

Question

listen to this one i liked it---Ok this lady was sittin a bar drinkin and her boob fell out her shirt--the bar tender ran down there to her and licked it and put it back in her shirt--so she was sittin there drinkin somemore and it fell out again so the bar tender ran down there again licked it and put in back in her shirt--so there was this drunk guy sittin at the end of the bar he kept watchin what the bar tender was doin--so the womans boob fell out again so the drunk man ran down there and licked it and she slapped the hell outta him--he said why did you do that for you been lettin him lick it and she said cause he has a liqueur license and you dont

Answer 1

A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving."

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the b**** in the kitchen!"

Answer 2

A man walks into a bar with his dog. The bar tender asks the man what he'll have. He replies "Bourbon and Coke".
He then looks at the dog and jokingly says "What'll you have Rover".
The dog looks straight at him and says "Scotch and Soda, light on the soda."
The bartender looks at the man and says "Hey, that's a good trick. you are one heck of a ventriloquist."
The man explains that he is not a ventriloquist, the dog actually can talk and to prove it he'll go the the bathroom while he and the dog carry on a conversation. Of course he asks that the bartender keep an extra good eye on him because he is a very valuable dog.
The man goes to the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later to find the dog missing.
"Where's my dog!!" the man asks the bartender.
The bartender tells him that he really didn't believe he was a talking dog so he gave him a dollar and told him to go the corner store and bring him back a newspaper.
The man rushes out of the bar to the store. No Rover. He looks high and low and finally finds him in the ally humping a poodle.
"Rover!", he says, "how could you do this to me".
Rover replies. "Hey, this is the first time I've ever been out on the town alone with some cash!"

Answer 3

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

Answer 4

This guy is in Vegas having a good time. As he's leaving a casino, he's approached by a disheveled looking man who say, "Look buddy, you gotta help me out. My wife is in the hospital. They don't know exactly what it is, but she's in bad shape. They need to run some new test to figure out what's wrong with her, but I don't have the cash. Could you spare a couple bucks?" So the man says, "Look, buddy, I wasn't born yesterday. This is Vegas. If I give you a bunch of cash, how do I know you aren't just going to turn around and go into the casino and gamble it away?" To which the man says, "Oh, I've GOT gambling money..."

Answer 5

Superman was feeling bored after a long streak of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat Woman. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself, I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening. So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said, Did you hear something? No! Said the Invisible Man, but my *** hurts like hell!

Answer 6

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
“Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
>>>Traffic Ticket $95.00
>>>Court Costs. $45.00
>>>Look on Cop's Face............... PRICELESS

Answer 7

A young couple is planning to go to a family reunion at a camp site. On the trip there, they decide they want to have sexual intercourse, but there is one problem - a young cousin is sleeping in the bunk below them. They make a secret code, lettuce=harder, tomato=softer. Later that night they are really going at it. LETTUCE! TOMATO! LETTUCE!! TOMATO! LETTUCE! After hours of this racket in the bunk above, the cousin speaks up. "Will you two stop making sandwiches up there?? your getting mayonais all over the place

Answer 8

okay here's 1
there was this guy who lived with a girl roomate when his Mom came over for dinner he said,"Mom I assure you me and Rachel are just roomates." Two days later they find the gravy dolls missing the guy calls his Mom:
Mom do you know where the gravy doll is I'm not sayings you took it or anything but...

Well if Rachel was sleeping in her own bed she would have found it by now!

Answer 9

There's a joke by George Carlin I really like. He talks about how there are different colors of ribbons for different causes. For example, there's red for AIDS awareness, pink for breast cancer awareness, yellow for peace, green for the environment, etc. He says that he has an idea for a brown ribbon, which means, "Eat s**t, motherf**ker!"

Answer 10

Why Did Michael Jackson go to Target??

He heard they had lil boys pants half off....


What does Gumby get when you kick him in the nuts?

Clay Aiken (that joke was courtesy of my 3 year old nephew)