If your mom said this to you, how would you take it?

Question

My mom told my brothers and me that she wouldn't have had us if she could do it all over again. She didn't say it out of anger, just in conversation. We are all in our 20s now and my brothers were a little wild in their teens but nothing out of the ordinary. I'm trying to not let this hurt my feelings, but I just think it was a really hateful thing to say, especially since my real dad abandoned us when I was 5 and that already hurts. This isn't the first hurtful thing she has said by a long shot but maybe I'm being too sensitive.

Answer 1

Jen,
You have every reason to be hurt. This is a prime example of parents not being right all the time. You question this because in our eyes...we are led to believe from childhood to adulthood that our parents are right in everything they say and do - well they're not.

My mother said something very similar to that too although she said - "I wish I would've had all boys". Well thanks a lot mom. Mom had 2 boys and 3 girls. All of us girls turned out great...for the most part we're successful, intelligent, and caring people. So I'm not sure what prompted her to say such a hurtful thing. It's not the first "open-mouth-insert-foot-type-of comment" she's made.

You have every right to be hurt...and you should tell her this. If you don't you are going to feel resentment toward her.

If she doesn't believe that you're hurt - print this out and show her the comments on it. You are not overly sensetive. This was out of line for your own mother to say such a horrible thing - especially since you did not ask to be brought into this world.

Best of luck.

Answer 2

I'm almost positive you are taking this the wrong way. Ask your mom to clarify it for you, you may learn something new about her. I would take it to mean that even though she would never trade you all in for the world, if she had known things were going to be the way they were (you said your dad left, it had to be VERY hard on your mother having to raise children on her own, with a woman's pay, trying to keep you all in line so you didn't act like heathens once you were grown) she would have done her life differently. She might have meant that she should have stayed single and childless, or maybe hooked up with some other guy she was digging instead of your dad. My point is you don't know anyone's story until you've walked a mile in their shoes. I'm sure you feel like you know EVERYTHING about your mom, but I bet there are some things that she has never mentioned to her kids about her life. Sit down, tell her how you felt when you heard her say that. I'm sure she will tell you what she meant. You may get a good cry or a big laugh out of it, you never know!

Answer 3

Maybe she didnt mean it in a hurtful way. If your father abandoned you guys when you were little and she had to raise you on her own, it would have made it harder on her. I doubt it is actually her children she wouldnt do over, but the chain of events like your dad, that she wouldnt do. I had a daughter at a very young age, 17, and I struggled to raise her on my own. If I could do it over again I wouldnt do it the same. It doesnt mean that I dont love my daughter, or that I am not glad I have her. It just means that as we get older and look back at some of the decisions we made, we now know some of the consequences that we didnt see at the time. Good luck and I hope you two can sit down and talk about this so you are more understanding of each other.

Answer 4

Don't feel that you are over sensitive. It does hurt. My mother once told me that when she found out that she was pregnant with me and told my father...he insisted she abort me. See between them they already had 8 kids. Who needed a 9th? It does hurt. Now think about this, if she ended up raising you kids on her own then don't you think it was hard for her?
Her life would have been different, easier maybe. But it wouldn't have been better. I've been raising my kids on my own for 6 yrs. I have a 6 yr old and a 5 yr old. When my hubby left I had a 3 month old baby and was expecting another. SOMETIMES I wish I hadn't had them, less responsibility would be great. But I can't imagine life without them. Your mom probably told you what she really felt but I know that if the offer was really offered to her she'd do it all over again. Pay no mind to the hateful and hurtful thing she said. Your mom loves you.....if not she would have given you up for adoption, don't you think? Have you any kids of your own? If not you'll see someday how difficult it is to raise kids. Hopefully you'll have someone to share that responsibility with.
Although she said something hurtful try to bypass it and think of all the loving things she has said to you and done for you.

Answer 5

You are being too sensitive and selfish. You don't know what your mother went through with your father or those brothers. A woman loses a large part of herself when she has children and it's draining, especially if she has to raise them on her own. I would have to say a lot of mothers feel that way. I know I do. My kids are grown and if I had it to do over, I would have done it alot differently. That doesn't mean I don't love my kids, or I didn't want them, it just means that I would have set my priorities in a different direction and avoided a great deal of hurt. I'm sure that's what your mother is feeling. Give her some slack and just tell her you love her. She wasn't trying to hurt you; she was trying to tell you the truth about her life. One day when you have children or you have to go through something similar you will understand. Now, go give your mom a hug and tell her you love her for all the pain she's gone through on your behalf.

Answer 6

No, you are not overreacting. I would be shocked also.

Maybe she got married very young and /or is just at a stage where she is questioning what she has done with her life. Maybe she means it was hard on her without your Dad there. Maybe she forgot about it a moment later and didn't really mean it.

But I would ask, when you can, something like "hey Mom, what did you mean by that? Don't you love us? It really bothered me to hear that." Don't be accusatory, but if you really want to know you might have to bring it up. Then again, who knows what she will say. Maybe she didn't realize how it sounded. What was the rest of the conversation about? That would give us more info. Good luck.

Answer 7

Your mom may have felt like you all were adults. You say you are all in your 20's. I would take it in the same way that I would take any regret that anyone voiced. I think you are taking the comment too much to heart. It was only a statement. She may very well feel that her life might have been better if she had never had children. What does that have to do with you. You are already here and she can not wish you out of existence. She may also be trying to encourage you all to think carefully before you have children. I think you need to ratchet your feelings down a notch. Not every comment carries a deep meaning.

Answer 8

Your not being too sensitive, that is an awful thing for a mother to say to her children. Maybe you need to distance yourself from your mom. Can you be open and talk about how this hurts your feelings or would she hurt you more? If you could talk to her about how the hurtful things make you feel then maybe you could work things out. If not, you need to distance yourself so you are not always in these hurtful situations.

Answer 9

Nah, you have the right to feel hurt by this, but if there's one mistake I've made in the past with my parents in the past was forgetting how parents are humans, too.

I have a friend who has a mother who admits to hating having kids. She swore up and down that she'd never have kids, but she had two. It makes a very interesting breakfast/dinner situation when a group of us went to visit her house during the holidays. However, no matter what she said, there's this underlying sense that she cares. It's not in her words, but in what she asks.

Then again, your mother might've been having a rough patch and you might want to draw her out and get her to talk about it.

What I am saying is, don't wallow in your hurt. You have every right to be hurt, but what's more important is finding out why she feels that way and if there's anything you can do about it. And you know, there might not be anything you can do about it, but you would know.

Answer 10

This is a hard one, isn't it, Jen?

I would feel very hurt, myself ... and life is already tough enough with our relationships with others and wondering where things are all leading to than to have one's mother say such things.

I can only think that this is a sign of the times.
Even parents, today, have lost the way now!
People seem to have forgotten what life is really all about - about doing the right, about God and our love for Him and for our parents and family.
People just seem to have lost the picture everywhere.

All we can do is make sure we are doing the right thing - that we are loving and cherishing our families and children and spouses.
All we can do is exercise faith and prayer, and know that God will bless us beyond our dreams in the Hereafter, if we are able to remain faithful regardless.