Trouble with 5 year old lying?

Question

She is lying about hurting her sister, blaming things on her, lying about things that get her into trouble. Now, I know that lying is a common childhood thing, but it really seems to be getting out of control.
Is there anything I can do besides explaining to her why it's wrong and putting her in time out?

Answer 1

We've been going through the same thing for about a year with my then 5 year old.

We started the saying "lying liers get into a lot of trouble but honest Abe's (explain who Abe LIncoln is) only get into a little trouble."

Everytime he did something, we would remind him of the saying then ask him what happened. If he lied, the punishment was double what it would have been if he had told the truth and so when laying out the punishment we made clear the difference if he had told the truth. The same goes if he was honest. We would explain why his actions were unacceptable but we were proud of him for being honest so ...."your only grounded from TV for one day but if you had lied to us it would have been all electronics for 2 days."

It's taken time and I'm not saying he never lies to us anymore but it's in control now.

Good luck

Answer 2

How does she lie to you? Do you corner her with a semi angry question like " DID YOU DO THIS!!" my father was famous for this, the child could be scared into lying.
If this is not the case and time outs are not working then I suggest spanking. Lying is no minor offense, it breaches the trust between parent and child, and not to be taken lightly. If she starts lying @age 5 she may never stop if it's not addressed.
I don't mean a light tap on the bottom either, a real spanking should hurt, but not enter the realm of abuse.

Remember to keep the lines of communication open. Tell her she can talk to you about anything, even if she has been in trouble she has sort of a get out of jail free card if she comes directly to you about something she's done. Let her talk and don't punish as long as she came to you and is not just coming clean after you already found the misdeed.
Good luck

Answer 3

Oh, yes. My 3 year old has recently discovered that lying can get him out of certain situations. But if you think about it, it shows that the kid has some sort of fear and respect for you if she really doesn't want you to be upset with her, so she lies. Your daughter is a little older than my toddler so what I'm about to advise may not be sufficient. Let her know that she'll be in more trouble for lying than if she tells the truth, no matter what. When she does admit to the truth, congratulate her and thank her for being honest. I use the silent treatment method and ignor my son when I know he's lying.He hates it. I tell him that no one likes to conversate with liers because I don't know what he's saying is true or false.
I know how annoying the lying can be. Hang in there and I hope this helps.
:-)

Answer 4

First off, I'd make sure to praise her a lot when she does tell the truth in these kind of situations. "I know sometimes it's hard to tell the truth. I'm so proud of you!" or "I really appreciate it when you are honest with me." or "Using your honesty shows me what a grown up girl you are!"

Time out may not be working. Maybe you need a different approach? When she does get caught in a lie, what are some other consequences that you could use instead of time out? Removal or privledges? For example, if one of my kids lied about sneaking candy, they would probably end up losing dessert for that day. After all, they had their sweets already. (I like logical consequences...something that is actually logically connected to what they did and not arbitrary such as being in time out or standing in a corner, etc.) If the lying has to do with a certain toy, maybe loss of that toy for a while?

As for hurting her sister, at 5 she is certainly old enough to impose a consequence we use at our house. (How old is her sister?) If you hurt someone or you damage someone else' property, here you are put "in service" to the person you wronged. You must be their helper for the rest of the day. You must help fix their owie if you hurt them. You must get them their shoes and coat if we go out. You must clean up after them and do stuff for them. My kids *hate* this consequence and will do almost anything to avoid it.

Answer 5

Five year olds cannot lie. Sound weird? The thing is, there is no division between truth and fantasy for someone her age. Especially when they've done wrong: the story they make up in their own minds to preserve their self-image becomes solid reality for them in seconds, as you seem to know already.

Putting her in time out is a useless approach to this problem. Time out is for helping a child control themselves when their emotions are overflowing. Also, time out away from everyone is no longer considered a good idea because the child is 'abandoned' when not performing as mommy likes.

It sounds like the problem is the sibling relationship. Is the 5 year old the oldest? If so, she's enranged (as any older sib is) at the arrival of the younger one. If she's the younger one, it sounds like the older sib is tormenting her and she's doing what she can to maintain some power.

First, don't leave them unsupervised, so you can know what is happening. Second, make sure each child gets individualized attention every day. Third, Don't be so sure the other sib isn't intentionally provoking your 5 year old (unless the sib is under 2 or so, in which case, defintely don't ever leave them together unsupervised.) Fourth, work on promoting affection and solidarity between your kids. Fifth, without knowing the age of your other child, I don't know how much of the stuff between them you can just ignore, by saying things like, "I'm sorry you're having so much trouble getting along." or "I know you guys can work this out." "You know I don't allow anyone in this house to hit anyone in this house (you don't hit her and expect her not to hit, do you?) and that must stop." "I feel so sad when I see you two cannot get along."

Unless, in other words, there is an obvious and aggregious assaulter and victim, don't take sides, always put it back to them to work out. Totally forget about the lying thing - you can see that this approach is not solving the problem. In fact, as with all things involving kids' behavior - it's probably the fact that you are giving so much attention to this, that this 'lying' is increasing.

Not only does giving attention to any behavior make it more likely to occur, there is a real danger in destroying your 5 year old's opinion of herself. And the problem with that is we act in accordance with our self-image.

When our oldest was having a great deal of trouble with annoyance at our youngest, annoyance with his very existance, i left around the house old photos of them playing together, clearly showing the early bond of love and affection. I saw an immediate change in the attitude of the oldest.

There is a practical, awesome, easy to read book I strongly recommend: "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk." The authors also have written a book on sibling rivalry specifically, tho I think the first book is fundamental.

Obviously, washing a child's mouth with soap is abuse. The "Dr. Laura" idea about lying to your own child: emotional abuse for a child under 11 - 13. Until 11 - 13, the cognitive structure is not there to get what you are doing. Before then, all you are doing is messing with your child's trust in you and teaching them to lie in order to accomplish things.

Lastly, a child might 'lie' because they fear you. People who hit will get kids who lie. But also, a child might so fear you not approving of her anymore, that she'll lie.

Answer 6

Do not do anything drastic and do not worry too much. I know this sounds funny but ALL children tell lies at some point in their development. It is natural as they are only building up their instinct for self preservation and no matter what some over zealous and over religious people says about it, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the child.They will grow out of it. We all do to some extent. What is important is for you to keep stressing the importance of telling the truth and stories like the "Boy who cries Wolf" helps. But if at first the child does not appreciate the importance of telling the truth do not give up and do not despiar, try and try again and without resorting to punishment, please.

Answer 7

Do not wash her mouth out with soap. It will only make things worse and is borderline abuse. Don't listen to that woman.

Encourage her to tell the truth. Praise her when she does. When she lies make sure that she knows you know she is lying. It's a hard thing to get them out of the habit of lying once they get out of trouble by doing it. You can take away something that is important to her when she tells you a lie, and give it back when she tells you the truth.

Most important, explain why it is bad to hurt her sister, and encourage safe play between them. My oldest granddaughter was very jealous of my yougest granddaughter and we solved the problem by making her feel she played an important role in helping to take care of the younger one. She got to do little things, like take wet diaper to trash, play with her in her walker while Mommy was fixing lunch. Mommy was there to see what was going on but praised the older child for being such a big help to her.

Answer 8

I understand your fear of this getting out of control.

I know you might think this is stupid, but have you tried telling her the story of the Boy that Cried Wolf, or something similar? Then talk to her about how her lying could have the same sort of effects.

I really wish you the best of luck with this. It is definatly a difficult problem. I'm putting this question on my watch list because I'm really interested in what other people think, too.

Answer 9

It is not unusual for children to experiment with lying at some point in their development. Children test limits at various times throughout childhood, in order to clarify boundaries and consequences. Five years of age is a common period for this kind of reality testing.

iVillage has some great tips on dealing with a child who has started lying. Check out http://parenting.ivillage.com/tp/tpbehavior/0,,47x1,00.html

good luck!

Answer 10

Stop buying her new clothes and toys. Tell her she'll start getting new stuff again when she stops lying. There's also the "boy who cried wolf" story you could tell, about a boy who was watching over sheep and he kept crying "wolf!" to scare the people into rushing to him, but eventually they got annoyed and when a real wolf came to harm the sheep and possibly himself, he cried "wolf!" again, but no one came, thinking it was another lie. Then you could warn your daughter that if she keeps lying, she could get into serious trouble/harm.

Lastly, yes, you should tell her why it's wrong and put her in a time-out area. You should tell her something like, "what if mommy was lying to you all the time? would you like that?" I'm not a parent, but... those are my tips.