why wont my sister leave her alcoholic boyfriend?

Question

He half lives with her and half with his mum. They have a 7 yr old together. He is lazy and never helps her. He skanks off her and is very selfish. He doesnt work (she does). I am at my wits end as to how to help her. She will not listen to us, when we only want what is best for her and her son. He drinks everyday. I cannot see what they have together or what she gets outa the relationship?
HELP!

thank you for all the fantastic replies. Your advice has been really appreciated.

Answer 1

Sometimes when someone is in an abusive relationship, weather it be physical,verbal,or emotional. The one who is abusive makes the person feel like they are worthless, and can't make it without him/or her. They degrade them, Maybe your sister feels that if she leaves him,that she will be the cause of him drinking more,which is never the true case,,but a lot of women feel that if they stay they can change them,,,You must stand by her and tell her that you are there if she needs you day or night, And that sometimes if you truly want to help someone, you must let them go. So they will find it in them, and maybe hit bottom, in order to rise again.And please remind her that if she is staying for their child's sake,,,That the child sees all and hears all and feels all,,does she want her child to grow up thinking that it is ok to live in a relationship that is like that...That its a normal way of life for someone to drink constantly.never contribute equally to a household.Be firm but gentle,,Let her know most of all, that you are there for them,,Always,unconditionally..Hope this helps

Answer 2

She probably thinks that she can "change" him. You know she can't but this won't stop her from trying. She is just enabling him, and the fact that they have a child together probably makes it even tougher for her. If I were in your shoes, I'd at the very least say something like "I know you aren't willing to leave right now, but for your son's sake, why don't you go to an Al-anon meeting"? I'd also try to get the son in an Al-a tot group.

If your sister complains to you I would say "I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this" and "I'm here if you need me". I know it is painful to wach someone you care about in such a situation. I wish I had some magical advice but hopefully she will at least go to an Al anon meeting and see that she isn't alone and get some support. Pray for her. Good luck.

Answer 3

i can really identify with you here,my sister has been with her bloke for 10 years,2 years into the relationship he broke her jaw in 3 places,and he did it in front of two of their kids,she went back to him a week later,a year later he hit her again and said to her that he should have broke her neck instead of her jaw,she went back to him a week later,it's been going on for 8 years and nothing will change him,she's no longer the sister i once knew,she is constantly walking on egg shells when he is around,he has never had a job,has been in and out of prison all his life,he is the scum of the earth and she will never see it.
we have a big family,a close family but she won't accept any help,won't take the opportunity to leave and make a better life for her and her kids.
i find it so frustrating as we were once best friends but we no longer get on,i can't understand how a mother would put someone like that before her own children.
she's made her bed,she can lie in it,we (her family) can only do so much.

Answer 4

Obviously your sister has very little self esteem or confidence in herself, she probably feels that’s all she's worth is the attention of an alcoholic with as much self-worth as her!

Your sister thinks she can probably save him and change him like all naive women out there with the same kind of problem.

I'm so sorry for you as I know how hard it can be, having had the same problem years ago with a Drug addict!
Its not that much different just a different drug, its a question of trying to make her realize that she's not helping herself or her son.
As 7 is an impressionable age and seeing the disaster of the relationship unfold with fighting and arguing or else his drunkenness in front of him can be devastating to his mental well being and health.
Your sister needs to protect her son and walk away from him.
If she wants to lead some what of a normal life without her son growing up resenting her and eventually going down a destructive path himself.
You need to show her what’s out there, beyond her job and her everyday life with him, take her to social events with you and your friends, introduce her to new people!

She needs to know there is a world so much better and greater out there than the one she lives in and too see not every bloke is like him.
As for herself, shopping and pampering herself would boost her ego and self confidence, doing things with her son and your family together without him being around would help also.

You and your parents need to come together on this one and work on her together but don't intimidate her with continuous talk of his problem or bring him into the subject.
Show her life can be great without a waste of space that does not care for himself or his problem in her life.
Good luck and I hope I helped...

Answer 5

The only person who can change the situation is your sister. If she isn't prepared to leave her boyfriend then there's not alot you can do. Just hope and pray she will come to her senses. It must be very distressing for you to have to have to stand back and watch. All you can do is be there for her. If she has lots of support she'll feel more able to walk away from him if she believes its the right thing to do. She has a child with this man so she has ties to him in a sense even if she leaves him. What's the best thing for the child? Hmm.. hugely difficult situation for your sister and for you too. I hope it will be resolved in the best possible way

Answer 6

Honey i hate to come off so harsh however your sister is not going to leave this relationship until shes had enough!!!! Even though, hes not treating her right,the more and more you and the family put him down ,the more shes gonna stick by his side!!! I've had several friends in the same situation and seems like they're ok being needed by someone !!!They work and bring home the money just for these guys to spend it up and occasionally beat the hell out of them!! I tell them I don't know about you,but my mom kicked my *** enough when i was little and certainly no man is going to abuse me !!!! But it all falls on death ears !!! sometimes it takes years and years for a woman to bring herself out of this rut!! Just pray for your sister and I will certainly do the same!!! Best wishes

Answer 7

I know how you feel my baby sister is living with a A** hole who made her comew home from my house to change their sons nappy he is lazy selfish she pays for everything and he cheats but if i point this out to her i end up looking like the bad person she has to see for herself what an idiot he is and all you can do is be there for her when she needs you good luck :)

Answer 8

She is an enabler. If you can get her to do it, getting involved in a group such as Al Anon would be very helpful to her. It's a group for family/friends of alcoholics. In your sister's case, too, it's easier to stay with her boyfriend. The "known" is almost always easier than the "unknown." Good luck. It's a hard situation.

Answer 9

In this age someone or I should say a girl would never listen to your advise. We all say "Intelligent are those who take lesson from other's experience" but unfortunately none of us like to be "Intelligent" so let her go the way she wants to go and rest assured she will be back soon.There could be two reasons (1) Your sister believes she can change him (2) She is just the type of women who wants to stick to one guy only. Good or bad? its her luck after all he is the father of her son.

Answer 10

It appears that you have made your opinion known. It also appears that she doesn't value your opinion, or she would accept your warnings. Unless the child is getting neglected or abused, there is nothing you can do but hope that she sees the error of that lifestyle. Offer her your help, by all means, let her know that you will ALWAYS be ready when she needs help to get out of the relationship. The best thing you can do is let her know you are there for support.