life crisis and I am going nuts.. any advice?

Question

So my mom and dad are divorced, only like 3 yrs now or something and my mom has remarried. My stepdad and I have had our differances but he had to go back to England to renew his passport and the away time seem to have made a big change.. He wants to adopt my 15 yr old brother, and even know I am about to me 19 he wants to pay to have me adopted as well as pay to change our last names.. He wants to give us a life my dad never dreamed of, which is where I am so deadly lost.. Ive never really had a dad, I mean I do and hes always been around but hes a abusive druggy alcoholic asshole, he also has started coming back around claiming he wants to fix his relationship with my brother and I. I want to go threw with the adoption and the name change, but there is no way I can tell my dad, plus the rest of the family will give me hell and treat me terribly.. If I do go threw this, I absolutly am not even sure if my stepdad is ready for this..

I am not use to having a father figure in my life and I have pushed him away since he came here to be with my mom.. I know he is trying but I am also afraid of what could happen, me and him used to never get along at all. My mom claims that he really has changed and once a chance to be family, a real family, and I am so scared and lost as to what to do.. and again my dad, I dont know what he will do, I mean I feel like I hate him so much and I am not sure what to do but he is still my dad and I still will feel hurt by how I know he will react. I know there really isnt a question in this, but maybe someone who knows or has gone threw this? Just some advice or something, or even just something to help me decide what to do, some opinions I guess?

Answer 1

Your question is interesting because I was married 4 months ago to a woman with two sons (21 and 19) from a previous marriage. Their "sperm donor" was never there for them and he used drugs and abused my wife. Your stepdad's intentions are good but I think he is moving a little too fast. How long has your mom been married??? I am asking because after four months, my stepsons are still getting used to me and I am still getting used to them. I do not push them to accept me but I let them know that if I can help them with anything or if they just want to talk I am there for them. We recently found out that the sperm donor is in jail and the 19 year old has indicated interest in visiting him. I offered to take him to the jail if he wanted. Why??? Because I accept that ,in spite of everything, there is a bond that will exist forever.
I am also a recovering alcoholic and I understand your real Dad's position. He is probably working a recovery program and one of the things he has to do is try to make amends for the problems that he has caused.
I would probably recommend that you talk to your stepdad and tell him what your real Dad has proposed (his desire to fix his relationship with you) and tell him that you would like some time to see if he is sincere or just blowing smoke. I know that if one of my stepsons told me this I would probably say "OK" and let what happens happen. I would also after awhile, depending on how things go with your Dad, tell him what your stepdad has proposed and let him know that even if the adoption goes through that he will still be a part of your life meaning that you can visit, exchange cards and gifts, etc.
Good luck and please let me know if I can be of any further help.

Answer 2

Changing your last name doesnt change who your birth parents are. You need to sit down with your step Dad and tell him all your fears. Have your Mom there when you talk. Your step Dad wanting to adopt you is his way of making the new family whole. He's trying to show you that you can have the family you always wanted. The key here is FAMILY. If the name change doesnt bother you than whats the harm? If the rest of the family, I'm assuming realitives dont like it well its just too bad. They didnt have to live your life now did they? If they had to live with an abusive Father I'm sure they would have jumped at the change to have a new life. Dont throw away your chances of having a solid family foundation because a few feathers will be ruffled. If you want to please all then why not suggest having both last names? Lots of people have two last names these days. I'm sure it will all fall into place. Stop worrying. It will work out just fine. Make sure to talk to your Mom and step Dad. Rememeber its only a name. Its the person that really counts.

Answer 3

Whew, that's a huge question, and one I don't think you're ready to truly answer yet. You need more time with your stepdad. If or when he adopts you, it's forever. Legally, you would be his child as if you were born to him, and it would mean that your birth father's parental rights would be terminated. Likely, that would mean a court battle since your birth father seems interested in restarting a relationship. I think the best course of action to take right now is to concentrate on bonding with both men. and see what is best for all of you.

I was adopted by my stepdad when I was seven, so my experience is nothing like yours. You're 19, practically an adult, and after much consideration, you might decide to keep the name you were born with if that's your identity, or you can legally change it without adoption to your stepdad's. You wouldn't have legal child status, but if it's important and he really accepts you as his child, he can add you to his will, life insurance or whatever. Back to my experience, though, it took years to really merge into a proper family. My hand was forced in the matter, so there was that to get over, but now my adoptive father is my Dad. My birth father reappeared in my life when I was 20, and after a few years we've developed a pretty good relationship and he's an awesome grandpa to my children.

In the end, follow your heart. Right now it's saying to wait; that's a good plan.

Answer 4

Consider yourself adopted!

This account is so sad for you, I can see the tear stains between the lines and this must feel so difficult.

However, there is hope, actually there is a great deal of hope for you. It is not what you tell us, but how you say it. This is what gives me the clue to your answer.

You hold the answer, in yourself. I have your read your account twice, you are lucid, bright, intelligent, young and have a gift most people would envy.

Look at the answers, read other questions, how many people do you see who can communicate as well as you? Very few is the answer! With this gift of communication, the world actually sits in the palm of your hand, hold if firmly because you are, or can be, in control.

Do not sit idly by letting events overtake you, see what you want and go for it. Be a little hard, communicate with people, if they do not respond, draw a line. Use that lucid mind of yours, chip away each problem.

If you need council, and there is nowhere else to turn, you may write. I will do my best then as I do now.

Answer 5

If i was in that situation I don't think I would do it because your dad is still your dad. Even though he hasn't been the ideal father he still has a chance to turn around and make things right with you and him. If you go through with the Adoption he may feel as though he has no reason to try anymore. Plus your stepfather can still love you and form a good relationship with you, without Adopting you.
This is just my opinion and ultimately it is your decision. You just need to think long and hard about it so you don't regret your decision either way.

Answer 6

I would talk with your mom and step-father and tell them how you truely feel. I would ask how much time that you and your brother has to make the decision about the adoption.

If you have some time, search your heart and soul for the answer. You will make the right decision if you go with your heart. You might also want to talk with your father and tell him how you feel and let him know you know he is your father but this is os confusing for you at this time. You may find out that you can have the best of two worlds.

Answer 7

have you spoken or seen your dad lately? spend some time with him. if he's not sober from drugs and alcohol, it may not be an easy interaction. (it may not even be a good idea!) you need to give your dad one last chance. if it looks bleak, you should consider your step father's offer of adoption. you said that you're the one who has pushed him away. maybe you need to surrender yourself to the process and give him an opportunity to be in your life. i don't think your family will hold a grudge against you. if they do, there is something wrong with the way they think. you didn't ask for your father to be an addict and absent. you didn't ask for your parents to divorce and for your mother to re-marry. all you need to do is find the solution that best fits you at this stage of your life (your 19. that's old enough to make a decision like this). it's complicated. good luck to you, honey with whatever choice you make.

Answer 8

Well, you're gonna be 19. You are eventually going to get married and have your name changed anyways, right? So why worry about the name? My step dad adopted me, and I still have my old name. My other dad (who happens to be exactly the same as your dad) got way over upset, but this wasn't for him to decide. Because he is no longer part of our family, he has no say in the matter and no right to be upset. Do what you feel is right. Do you want to let him adopt you? Do you want to change your last name to his? Do you want to have this dilema for the rest of your life?

Answer 9

Fatherhood isn't restricted to blood relation. It will be the man in your life who treats you like your his own despite the fact that you are or aren't. But I'll tell you this. Real love doesn't make you choose. If this man is sincere about being your new father and having your best interest at heart, than he'll understand any decision you make. Don't let people pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. Just love them equally. Be true to your self. Ask yourself this question, "If I knew that no one would be hurt by my decision, what would I do?". Then follow through. Pray for guidance. It always helps me.

Answer 10

I suggest talking about this with your family and telling them exactly how you feel. If you need more time for all of this, then gently ask for it. The age of consent for a step parent adoption is 10, so if you or your brother don't want it to happen right away then you won't be forced into it. When you are ready, your parents will need to get consent from your biological father to sign over his rights so your step dad can legally become your father. Same for your brother.