2006-07-30 12:21:54 · 19 answers · asked by Naty:Co-Emperor Has Returned 6 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
How I Got Into Heaven...
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got l lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
2006-07-30 14:24:48 · answer #1 · answered by EC 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
TEXAS CIRCLE FLIES
A cowboy gets pulled over by a State Trooper for
speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy
about his speeding, and in general began to throw his
weight around to try to make the cowboy feel
uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some
flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy
sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well
yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never
heard of no circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang
around ranches. They're called circle flies because
they're almost always found circling around the back
end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are
you callin' me a horse's @ss?"
"No, sir," the cowboy replies. "I have too much
respect for law enforement to call y'all a horse's
@ss."
"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back
to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas
drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
2006-07-30 13:05:38 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
A woman is going to commit suicide.She ask her doctor exactly where her heart is located so she'll make no mistake as where to put the bullet in her chest.The doctor told her that the heart is under her left breast.She was later taken to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
2006-07-30 12:29:45 · answer #3 · answered by mustang 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
World's Thinnest Books...
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda
HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore
Our Plan To Find The Real Killers
By OJ Simpson and Robert Blake
2006-07-30 12:29:48 · answer #4 · answered by curiousandsmiley 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this probably isn't the funniest joke i've heard every but it is right now.
Yo momma so ugly, they use her face to make gorilla cookies.
2006-07-30 13:07:20 · answer #5 · answered by O! 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.
2006-07-30 12:24:15 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong
2006-07-30 12:34:11 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Guess who's got crabs?
-Red Lobster
2006-07-30 12:25:29 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Two guys walk into a bar.
2006-07-30 12:24:03 · answer #9 · answered by apt311 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Caveman and cavewoman walk to cave. Caveman say to cavewoman "Me want hunt". Huh huh huh huh. Ugh!
2006-07-30 12:24:33 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋