Tell me some good jokes best joke gets 10pts i could use the laugh?

Question

The ruder the better but they dont have to be rude.

Answer 1

An old man walks into a bar and orders himself a double whisky, he drinks it back and orders another, he throws it back again he orders himself a third and at that the barman asks him what he is celebrating. The old man says"I am 92 years old and I have just had by first BJ", at this the barman says "that is fantastic, let me buy you a pint", the old man replies "thankyou but no, if three double whiskies can't get rid of the taste nothing will!"

Answer 2

A man walks into a pub and says to the barman "I've got the best trick you've ever seen if i show you will you give me a pint" the barman says "why not" so the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a mouse and a small piano. he sets them both down on the bar and the mouse immediately walks to the piano sits down and starts playing. "that great" says the barman and give's him his pint.

The man says"ive got an even better trick then that and if i can impress you even more can i have free beer for the rest of my life" the barman thinks for a minute and thinks there is no way he can top that so agrees. so he reaches in his pocket pulls out the mouse, the piano and a frog. The mouse starts playing the piano again and the frog lies on the piano provocatively and begins to sing. the barman is amazed and says your beer are free forever.

Just then a man who has been watching comes over and says " oh my god i have to have that frog I'll give you 2000 pounds" the mans says he is not for sale "well 3000" "no sorry" "50000" the man thinks and says"OK for 50000 I'll sell him" the barman cant believe his eyes "what did you sell the singing frog for you could have made a fortune and become a millionaire" the mans turns to him and says" don't worry the mouse is a ventriloquist.

Answer 3

A father was sick and tired of his two sons swearing all the time.
One morning the eldest son came down for breakfast. His father asked him what he wanted to eat. 'Give me some f*****g corn flakes' replied the son.

On hearing this the father could contain his anger no longer. He took hold of the boy and flung him around the room, smacked him about the head and finally picking him up by the ears threw him with a loud crash into the street outside. Just then the younger son entered the kitchen. The father turned to him and asked 'and what would you like to eat?' 'Not f******g corn flakes!' said the son.

Answer 4

3 Women died and went up 2 heaven, wen they got up 2 the gates the apostle peter sed" you can go into heaven on 1 condition, you dont stand on the ducks" The women sed they won't and were aloud into heaven. 1 woman immediatly stood on a duck, got took over 2 the uglyest man ever and got chained up 2 him 4 the rest of her death 4 standing on the duck. The second woman did the same. 3 months went by and the third woman had not stood on a duck but she got took over to a very handsome good looking man and chained 2 him. She sed "oooo what have i done 2 deserve this?" The man replied "i dont know but i stood on a duck!"

Answer 5

A man walks into a bar on the thirty second floor of a building and orders a 32 oz beer, he drinks the whole thing very quickly then jumps out the window, a minute later the same guy comes back and does the same thing. he does it about 5 times, then another man who is sitting at the bar comes up to the man and asks" hey buddy, how are you doin' that?" the man then says, " well when you get drunk you get warm inside, and everyone knows that warm air rises so when you jump outside you float safely down." because the man had knocked a few back he thought it was logical, he proceeded to get a 32 oz drink, drink it very quickly and then jumped out the window and fell flat on his face dead, then the bar tender turned to the man who told him and said" you know superman, your a real asshole whenn your drunk!"

Answer 6

a physician tells an previous guy that he has undesirable information and worse information. the guy needs the undesirable information first. The physician says you've 24 hours left to stay. the guy needs to carry close what's the more serious information. The physician stated "i develop into meant to allow you to recognize the day previous."

Answer 7

A blone, brunnette, and a redhead went camping in the woods. The blonde had to go to the bathroom, so she grabbs a leaf and finds a far-off tree. While gone, the redhead goes and catches a deer and the brunette skins it. they take the guts and put them underneath the blonde. Later that day, she comes back. " Whew! I guess I really had to go to the bathroom. I think that I crapped so hard that my guts fell out, but thank goodness God gave me these 2 fingers to shove them back in! "

Answer 8

The following is a true story.

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

Answer 9

Me and my husband were lying in bed the other night and somehow started making up dinosaur jokes! They're probably rubbish but we had a laugh!

Mine - What do you call a dinosaur who likes playing with Lego?
A Duplo-docus! :->

Hubbies - What do you call a dinosaur who thinks he's a car?
A Diplo-Focus! :->

Answer 10

caution corny joke:

this saxon and a viking are sitting in a tavern drinking heavily but having a good old laugh. next minute this frenchman storms into the tavern and starts smashing up the joint. after a few minutes of destruction he leaves. everybody settles back to thier drink like nothing happened. the saxon says to the viking "who the hell was that?" the viking shrugs and says "oh him, thats just norman".

boom boom.