Joke Contest! I need to know a funny joke!?

Question

Any person who enter will recive 2 points the funniest I read will be the best answer and will be used in an animation (joke credited by you so dont steal) on my website www.confusionrules.com

Answer 1

Ok there are these Catholics walking down the street on a Friday. (they don't eat meat on Friday - they eat fish on Fridays.)
so they smell steak cooking and they go over to meet the guy. They try and try and try to covert him to Catholthim. Fianlly he gives in and they prefeom the cermony. They wave their hands over him and say "you're a Catholic, you're a Catholic"
The next Friday the same man in cooking steak.
The same Catholics go over to see him and they find him waving his hands over the steak sayng "you're a fish, you're a fish"

Answer 2

BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I'm broke.

BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out
of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.

Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.

Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother

Answer 3

A Japanese man walks into a currency exchange in America with 2000 Yen, and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 Yen, but only gets $62. He asks the lady why he got less money this week than last week.
The lady said, "Fluctuations."
The man says, "Fluck you clazy Americans"

Answer 4

i do no longer probably get it... the terrific jokes have been made approximately black human beings... much extra clever than blonds. right here is my fav what number black (or something) human beings it takes to color a wall. It relies upon how briskly you're throwing them! with the aid of fact the swifter you throw, the harder they hit, and the bigger the splash... i like the violence~ can get replaced via cats, i do no longer care the two way. as long as something dies. i'm a misanthrope "i do no longer discriminate, I hate all and sundry" terrific t-shirt ever! savor~

Answer 5

On Jimmy's tenth birthday his father gives his mildly retarded son ten dollars and says "go into the world and make your fortune."
Considering it's a hot day in the middle of summer Jimmy figures the best way to make his fortune is to set up an Ice cream stand. He walks to the corner store and buy three gallons of ice cream.
Vanilla
Strawberry and
Mint Chocolate Chip.

He sets up a stand in front of his house with a sign that says Scoops of Ice Cream $1.

No sooner is the sign up than he gets his first customer, Mrs Robinson from across the street. This meek old lady asks for a scoop of vanilla. Jimmy responds "a sctoop ob banilla? dat wil be 1 dollar lady. "
Happily clutching his new dollar like a squirrel with a nut he barely notices his second customer Ms. Jacobs the single soccer mom from down the block.
Jimmy! I need two scoops of strawberry fast!
Jimmy's reply of "two sctoops, aahright lady!!"

Jimmy's next customer Mr. Jacobs is a real prick. The local english teacher Mr. Jacobs is widely considered the meanest man in town.

He walks up to Jimmy and says "Jimmy I'd like a scoop of chocolate"
Jimmy says "we don't have da choklat"
Mr Jacobs says "that's absurd. You have Vanilla and Strawberry, it's only american to have Chocolate"
Jimmy replies "no choklat"
"I'm not leaving until I get a scoop of chocolate!!"

Jimmy asks "can you spell the van in vanilla?"
"V-A-N"
"can you spell the straw in strawberry??"
"S-T-R-A-W"
"can you spell the f&^k in chocolate"
"there's no fu&k in chocolate"

"Dat's what I'm tryin ta tell you dere's no fu(&in Chocolate"

Answer 6

Three rather burly men walk into a bar and sit down across from an old drunkard. The old man takes a swig of whiskey and yells across the bar to one of the men, "Hey! I slept with your mother last night!"

The first man looks at the drunk and pays him no mind. The old man then takes another swig of whiskey and shouts across the bar to the second man, "Hey! I've been sleeping with your mother for years!"

Again, this man pays the drunk no mind. The old man takes another swig of whiskey and shouts to the third man, "Hey! Your mother likes it rough!"

The third man goes across the bar and takes puts his arm around the old drunkard's shoulder and says, "Okay, you've had too much to drink, dad."

Answer 7

My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to
see how he was and found him writing frantically.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to
worry about writing a will.

He said, "Will!? What will? I'm making a list of the
people I wanna bite!"

Answer 8

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named you daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Answer 9

How many jokes does it take to make me laugh?

DOesn't matter, they all lame!!!

Answer 10

Customer: "Waiter, what's your thumb doing on my steak?"
Waiter: "I didn't want it to fall on the floor again, sir."