Funny jokes that you know. Cannot be dirty.?

Question

What are some clean but funny jokes and pranks? Any think dirty minded WILL be reported!

Answer 1

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

Answer 2

Answering machine message
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...


Funny bumper stickers:
Procrastinators unite... tomorrow
Bad spellers of the world...untie
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.
This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet..
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Faster than a speeding ticket.
FOLLOW THAT CAR, GODZILLIA -- AND STEP ON IT !
Adults are just kids with money.
T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
You are right where you belong, behind me!
You are driving to close I can see your bald spot.
YES this is my truck, NO I won't help you move!.
Someday your prince will come. Mine got lost took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
If you can read this you are too close..
If your stupid and you know it honk your horn.
I hate bumper stickers!
There are two kinds of drivers; those who make dust & those who eat it..
On the other hand...you have different fingers!
Keep honking, I am reloading!.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
Look out! Behind you!
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day .
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.
I just love nonverbal communication!
You can't be late until you show up.
I'm serious; it was a joke.
Wouldn't it be nice if there were an Escape key for all of our problems?
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
Why be normal?
Mean people suck!!
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Was today really necessary?
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.
In theory, everything works.
Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
No matter where you go; you're there.
Your lucky color has faded.
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway

Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
If it weren't for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.
This is not an abandoned car.
Who died and made YOU Darth Vader?.
Too many freaks, not enough circus's!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
No Radio - Already Stolen!
All generalizations are false.
God Bless Our Troops.
I'm not littering.... I'm donating to the earth.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?
Don't laugh it's paid for.
I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!!
This was better than any diet I've ever been on.
0-60 in 15 minutes!
Hang up and drive!
DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.
I believe the Internet is an information source, not a lifestyle choice.
I'm not really a driver I just play one on TV!
Study long study wrong.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you!
Save the planet recycle an environmentalist.
If you can read this you're in range.
I don't drive fast I fly low.
You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.
Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.
I am not speeding I am qualifying.
It took 40 years to make me look this good.
(Front Bumper) If you can read this, I didn't hit you hard enough.
Hey idiot- You're driving a car, not a phone booth
I pretend to work they pretend to pay me!
When there's a will I want to be in it!
If something goes without saying - LET IT!
I've been dieting for the past month, but all I lost was 31 days!!
You just lived your best moment, now GO live another!
Stop Reading My Bumper Stickers and DRIVE!

Answer 3

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...


A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says as they drive away. "Stupid b*tch was hiding under the Bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat a$$ downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

Answer 4

A blonde chic got on a plane and picked a seat to sit in the first class, her ticket wasn't to sit there. A guy came to sit in his seat but the blonde was there. All she said was, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to the Bahamas, and I'm sitting right here. The guy got a flight attendant and HE asked her to move. She said the same thing again and sat down. The attandant whispered something in the blonde's ear and she got up and moved immediately. The guy asked, "What did you tell her?" And the attendant said, " I told her that first class doesn't go to the Bahamas!"

Answer 5

Prank: I was at an event and I was the only one felt rain drops. I kept saying it's gonna rain, because I felt water. As it end up my friend had a water gun and she will squirt in on me when I wasn't looking. Everybody got a good laugh out of it, even me.

Answer 6

Ok, I heard this one from a friend of mine a year ago, let's hope I can remember it correctly! Um.. ..Mickey and Donald went into a bar and there was a drunk guy with a gun! Donald duck and Mickey got shot!.................Who got shot??!!

Well the detials isn't all that correct, but the riddles is somewhere there! Trust me, the answer had already given!

Answer 7

LMAO!!LMAO!!! You were right, its gross, but the best always are, aren't they?! I told this joke to my friends a while ago, and I have put them off Salad for life!! Lol, even the veggie ones!! Everytime someone even mentions lettuce, tomato or mayonnaise we just crack up!! Keep them coming!! I will give you a star, hope you beat 102 stars!! =] xo

Answer 8

Customer: "Waiter, why do you have your thumb on my steak?"
Waiter: "I didn't want it to fall on the floor again, sir."

Sailor with a pelican on his head goes to a psychiatrist's office. Doctor says, "Come in, sit down. Now, how did all this begin?" Pelican says, "Well, Doc, it started out as a wart on my fanny!"

Willie found some dynamite;
Didn't understand it, quite.
Curiosity never pays:
It rained Willie seven days!

Answer 9

There was this man on a park bench, reading the paper. He noticed these two men doing something strange : one dug a hole in the ground and ,no sooner had he done that, the other man filled it in.
After this was repeated a few times, curiosity got the better of the man and he approached the two men and asked them what the heck they were doing.
" We're plantin' trees,sir ", explained Rory. " I dig the hole and Mick here fills it in", He went on: " Usually there's three of us ---- Paddy, he puts the tree in the hole ---- but it's his day off.

Answer 10

A woman walked up to an ancient-looking old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"Well..." Answered the man. "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day. I drink a case of whiskey a week, a crate of beer, and a couple of bottles of gin. I eat all my meals at McDonald's and I never, ever exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.