how do i discpline my b/f son without being mean?

Question

my b/f son is very sneaky and tries to get away with alot of things my b/f wants me to take control of the siutation but i dont want to spank his son who is 8 yrs old he just came to live with us now and he is trying everything to push my buttons i'm being stern with him he knows i dont play but his father is like sitting back watching without helping what shall i do? real answers please from stepmothers on the rise

Answer 1

you need to lay the law down and quick.. take things away from him like video games, tv,outside, and candy.. some people make there children stand in the corner that works also.. but you must stand you ground . i wouldnt spank the child either regardless what your bf says you should do thats his department tell him to be a man and take care of his child..

Answer 2

First of all, the boy's father NEEDS to take most of the responsibility of discipline. Legally, you have no rights regarding spanking this child. Spanking is frowned upon, and I feel there are numerous ways to provide discipline.

There is a difference between Discipline and Punishment, below are definitions of both.

Discipline: training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character

Punishment: suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution

To discipline, you should start right away, to avoid punishment.
Set some ground rules, write them down and stick to them. Make a chart listing the rules, and the consequences for disobeying the rules.
Consequences should be age appropriate:
1. Time Out - 1 minute for each year (8 yr olds = 8 Minutes) Do not use the child's favorite chair or stool for this, he will learn to hate that furniture later. Get a new chair, stool, mat or area rug. (The rug or mat is great, you can roll it up and take with you on outs or to friend's & family's homes.)

2. Grounding from favorite items, like video games, telephone, television, etc. The grounding should only last 24-48 hours for an 8 year old. This seems like a long time form them.

3. Use the "You choose" technique. Tell your child that if he "chooses to do (or don't do) [insert phrase here], then he chooses to do (or not do) (or get, not get) [insert activity or item here].
{example: If you choose to diobey the rules, then you choose to not have dessert. But, If you choose to obey the rules, then you choose to have dessert.}
You must state the word "choose" 4 times. Always tell them what happens when they choose the good behavior and what happens when they choose the wrong behavior.

Punishment should consist of things that will not physically or mentally harm the child. No Spanking. There are many other alternatives.

Check you local Department of Health and Human Services, for a Parenting Class. These offer great ways to raise a happy healthy child. I went to one and had a blast. The classes are usually once a week for about 8-10 weeks and are worth it.

Also, look for a Parenting Group for Step-Parents.

Answer 3

1st you tell daddy that he is the father and it is his responsibility! You and dad need to discuss what house rules and child rules to establish. Then decide what the consequences are for not obeying the rules: like not cleaning room-no video games that day and everyday that the room is a mess(he should have a routine to do daily to keep the room neat- pick up toys when finished and before getting out another,putting dirty clothes in hamper as he tkes them off,etc), no talking back-time out or take away fav toy,etc. This way the boy will understand that it is dad's rules also and that dad has agreed to consequences even if he isn't at home at the moment. It also realeases you from being the bad guy. Any out of control behavior should be handled by his father in a gentle and loving way. This boy didn't ask to go through a bad marriage, divorce and then have to obey a gf that is living with his dad. It will take a few days or maybe a week, if you stick to it, to make a happy home for him and you and dad.You really need to talk things through with dad because this child needs his dad to be strong and loving to him. This may be a pattern of things to come so make sure of what role you really want to play in a relationship with dad! He can't afford to sit back and not be involved with his son. Best wishes and I hope you will use this advice. If something happens between you and dad, the boy will still have a good relationship with his dad and won't suffer as much. You should never put a hand on the boy, that is his parents job. You are very quick to see that the boy is trying to see what he can get away with. He may be trying to push you away like his mom that is not around.He may want to know if he will be sent somewhere else and is trying to find his limits if you two haven't set them for him yet.Patients is called for by all 3 of you while you settle in.

Answer 4

The thing about children is, they will push buttons and see how far they can get with you. Maybe the father is trying to see how much you will let him get away with (at least I hope so)
You just have to keep working at it. Let the kid know that you mean business and if you tell the kid that you are going to do something, you do it. You stick to your guns.
Spanking is not always the answer. Spanking is something that should be saved for something that is really severe.
If he talks back to you, he either sits in a corner or he goes to his room. If he sits there talking back to you or if he throws a fit in his room, add five minutes for everytime you hear him. Either he is going to catch on and be quiet OR he is going to find himself sitting in the corner or in his room all day.

Maybe another thing you might want to try is to ground him from something that he enjoys. Video games, a favorite television program or whatever it may be.

I would also suggesting have a calm heart to heart talk with his father, because it may also take some interaction from the father as well.

Answer 5

As a step-father, let me offer some advice. If you don't have a united front, you and your b/f, working as a team that CANNOT be played against each other, that kid will read right through it and play the 2 of you against each other. You punish him, he'll whine to his father and get a reprieve. You've got to get that boyfriend of yours to step up and back what you say.

As for discipline, I prefer the mental to the physical. Anyone can beat a kid. What do you teach them? The strongest and the meanest are the ones who make the rules.

Get creative.

My son threatened to call the cops on me if I laid a hand on him.

Okay. Fine. I can work around that. The next time he misbehaved, I turned off the power to his room. He went balistic. No TV, no Computer, no Nintendo. I informed him that while yes, he could turn me into the authorities if I beat him, the law did not require me to supply him with electricity. I only had to supply him with food, clothes, and shelter.
Take control. Let sonny know that you'd much rather get along with him, but that is purely up to him. His actions will determine how he is treated. Good behavior will be rewarded, bad behavior will be punished. Keep it simple, and be honest.

Good Luck

Answer 6

You as an adult have the right to control what happens in your home. If you want this boy to live with you, then you need to have a serious talk with his father. You and the father must agree on how to establish dominance over the boy and the correct role of the boy in your family. You and the father must make a strong united front. The boy is not an adult and therefore may not be a dominant person in the family.

If you can't establish a proper and satisfying relationship with the boy, then the boy should not be allowed to live with you. If the father doesn't cooperate and provide a united front, he isn't worth your time. You need to practice tough love to both fellows. You have that right. There are plenty of boy friends just waiting for you to be free.

Good Luck,

Answer 7

Hi, been there done that...

You and your b/f need to stand united. It is clear that your "step son" has issues with this new arrangement. That is only natural. You three should sit down and allow this boy to voice his feelings and oppinions and when he has his say, you can then tell him of the "rules' and what is tolerated and what isn't.
He has feelings going on inside that he isn't sure of either and is acting on them impulsively.
If he's being snotty and unrully, rather than spanking... send him to his room, or the corner... make him sit at the kitchen chair for five to ten minutes ( set the stove timer my kids hated that) and he each time he's unrully in that chair the timer re starts. He'll soon get the hint you mean business and he can't push you around. BUt stick with it, it may take months to get on track and he's looking to push your buttons until you bend to his will... don't give in to his needs or demands ( Step son) or else you'll be wrapped around his finger.

Answer 8

No spanking. Spanking won't work with a kid that old; it will just make him hate you. Eight years is old enough to be reasoned with. He needs to see that any punishment he incurs is a result of his own actions. Let him earn special privileges and let him lose privileges for bad behavior. Make sure he is clear on the rules in advance. "I was going to let you go to the movies but you were bad so you can't go." is a very bad approach. It frusrates the kid and gives him no information about how to improve. The boy's father should be doing the discipline but if he won't at least make sure he backs you up. Otherwise you'll get suckered into playing good cop/bad cop and you will lose.

Answer 9

You should NEVER hit a child. I've raised two honor role students. Positive feedback works the best. When the kid does well lavish praise on him. When he acts poorly let him know you are very disapointed but don't show anger and NEVER embarase them in public. You get back what what you give. It will be hard at first but with a lot of compasion and understanding the kid will come around. Also you should have a talk with you b/f. Unless he puts a ring on your finger you are nothing more to the child than a babysitter. He need to step up or pay up. Either one but he doesn't get free babysitting service just because you are his girlfriend.

Answer 10

You don't. The father should discipline his son. All you have to do is respond to anything the child does to you, the way you would respond to a friend if they did the same thing.

A boyfriend who does not defend you, or teach his child appropriate behavior, is teaching his child how to treat women. If that is how he teaches his child to treat women, how do you think your boyfriend will treat you?

This boy is responding to a very difficult situation. It is a normal response for kids to be angry with step-parents, but you should not be the one to correct this. If the child cheats, you refuse to play with him. If he says bad things to you, leave the room. If he lies, tell him you can no longer believe him.

All children really want is someone to spend time with them. Try to make some time to do 8 yr. old boy things with him. Play ball, go fishing, play cards, go see a kids movie, have a picnic in the park.

You are not the parent even if your boyfriend is trying to hand you the job.

Answer 11

I was raised by my mother on basic principles of morals and respect which are found in a simple booklet which I still use today in my relationships not only with children but also with fellow work relations, my wife etc. You should use this booklet to educate the son and get him to write about how he can use this in life. Also when he is caught doing something discipline never hurts. Depends also on the laws of your country. But you do not need to beat the hell out of the kid. A quick spank would be enough to know that he did wrong and he might get angry immediately but he will be more willing afterwards when he thinks about it to talk to you and through communication you can get him to trust you and respect you.