How can I care for my elderly parent and not feel resentment for the way I was treated growing up.?

Question

Thank you everyone for your input. I know part of it was how my dad was raised. But I have a younger sister that rules the roost. Dad always give into her. She has had trouble with drugs and alcohol for years. It is not dads fault. She made her choices. He never stands up to her, even when she abused me. She still does things to hurt me. Example, stealing my identity. Dad never lifted a finger to help me fix things but he get her a car and a place to live. He also has never told me he loves me or mention how proud he is of me. It all goes to her. Our older sister was long gone and has no clue, but she also notices how things are.

Answer 1

I can totally relate to your dilemma. You need to let go of the hurt and pain you have carried around for such a long time. You are responsible for your own actions now. You know in your heart that your parents loved you, and did not purposely set about to hurt you.
They raised you to the best of their ability. Forgive them and treat them as you would want to be treated if the positions were reversed.
The hardest person to forgive is our self, so make sure you have no regrets about the resentment or anger you harbor against your parents. Honor your Mother and Father.
Concentrate on the person you are today, not the child you once were. Find peace within yourself.

Answer 2

I have the same problem ! I won't go into details, but my childhood was rough!
Now my Mom is 84 years old, and me and my sister really have no choice. We don't have the heart to put her in a nursing home. And I think I hold more resentment than my sister does. She was the baby of the family, and was pretty well protected form most of the abuse.
I have other siblings also, and the conversation still comes up occasionally, even though we are all over 40, so that just shows how much it affected all of us.
But, we have tried very hard to rationalize the situation by saying that they ( parents ) did the best that they could, I think that we all really do believe that by now, but I understand your predicament with the resent.
You just have to try to let it go. I don't know how old your parent is, but you did say " elderly ", so, spend as much time as you possibly can with her so that when her time comes, YOU won't have any regrets.
I know how hard it can be ! But, your parent is still your parent, and you need to reconcile as much as possible before it's too late.
Good luck with everything !

Answer 3

Believe me it's hard to overcome anger, bitterness/resentment. Sometimes, you have to stop and think about the fact you're getting older yourself and you may need someone assistance in caring for you. It could be someone you least expect...someone who may have the same feelings you have right now.

Maybe, this could be a way/opportunity for you to understand your parents.
When they are dead, there's no second chances. The resentments will seem unimportant by comparison too. You really do not want to be like some people who cry at their loved ones' funerals because of guilt not because of love and I'm sure deep down you really love your parents.

Remember, everything has a way of coming full circle.

Answer 4

you've been told by some to 'let your anger go', they did the best they knew how, you were bad to them growing up and a lot of other STUPID stuff that puts the burden on you.
in my healing from resentment process & therapy, i first had to face and let out an ocean of anger towards my parents for their bad behavior towards us kids. then i had to understand what made them so bad (their own upbringing) and why they passed it on to us (they couldn't or wouldn't change the values they were brought up with). finally, i had to forgive my self for feeling responsible about how i was raised and/or hating them. then i had to come to a place where i have forgiven them for how they were raised and then raised me. i'm still quite angry with them sometimes but for the most part have gotten over the bitter rage i used to have.
i don't take care of a parent but probably could without too much resentment - although i'd never tolerate their abuses again no matter how old and frail they are.

Answer 5

I hear you.

I absolutely hate my mother. I went through hell because of her neglect and abuse. She is old now and needs help. Oh well... I've tried rationalizing about the way she was raised, she was too busy, and so forth. I've tried the forgive and forget. I've thought about when I'm old do I want someone to ignore me? But you know what? No matter what I think, it was still her choice every single day of my childhood to neglect me and abuse me. Sorry, it's way too late now.

I've already determined I will not attend her funeral. For me, I would attend a funeral of someone I either loved or respected and those do not apply to her. It will be my statement not to attend and it will give me closure.

Say what you will, but sometimes you have to grow a spine and stop being a doormat.

Answer 6

Think about this; when you grew up things were dfifferent. Parents acted differently. Now parents talk and discuss things with their children, spending time with them and interacting with them all the time. Earlier parents left their children on their own alot more.

i dont know what it is that caused you to feel resentment towards your parents, but I am sure that when they raised you, they did the best they could from their point of view. All parents, no matter how wrong they are - or what wrong they do - sincerely wants whats best for their children. (This is when you do not include sexual abuse).

Give them som space. Let your anger go. Do care for your parents.

Answer 7

That is a VERY difficult situation. It's hard enough to take care of an elderly parent even in the best of situations; but when you add the fact that you were not well cared for as a child, well, it is just about impossible not to feel resentment.
First off, you need support. You need a group of people you can talk to, spend time with who are in the same position. There are support groups online and support groups where you can actually go and meet with other people. You may need to do some research, but they are out there. If you can't find one in your area, you might think about starting one. It helps immensely to have people who truly understand to give you support, ideas, and just to listen.
Secondly, you need to be sure that you have help. Someone to come in once or twice a week to help YOU. Maybe a maid to do the housework, someone to babysit your mom or dad for several hours, even a massage once a week. Something that would be nice for YOU, a way that you can feel cared for and relaxed. There are organizations that provide all sorts of assistance to people who are caring for elderly parents, rides to the doctor, help with personal care of parent, etc.
Lastly, if you feel that your resentment is rising to levels that are unhealthy, then you must consider putting your parent in a nursing home or find another family member to care for them. Even though it is very honorable to care for your parent in their old age, if you find that you are abusive or neglecting them due to your resentment, you have to, for your well-being and theirs, make other arrangements.
Unfortunately, elderly abuse is on the rise because of situations such as yours. People trying to do the right thing in caring for their parent, but the physical and emotional and financial drain, coupled with a history of dysfunctional relationships and abuse from the person they are caring for, can oftentimes have disastrous results. Putting your parent in a nursing home is not a crime, especially if you've done the best you can.
I think it's wonderful that you've taken this challenge on, in light of the fact that you weren't treated properly be the very same person you are caring for in their most vulnerable time in their life. That is true love and generosity. But please, take care of yourself. You need it and deserve it. Good luck to you and find yourself some support. Even counseling would help.

Answer 8

My cousin is in the same boat (you aren't my cuz are you?).
Her father beat and cursed at her when we were kids. He didn't care who saw. She ran away at 16 and hadn't seen her father for years. Her mom died of cancer when she was 6.
She married and came back into her dad's life. But he was still verbally abusive up until the time he developed Alzheimer's.
Her dad now lives with her and she treats him like a doll.
I asked her how she could she be so loving to a man that treated her like crap.
She told me that Jesus was beaten and crucified but still forgave.
She said she is not Jesus but she decided that she didn't want to carry hatred in her heart any longer. With the Alzheimer's, her dad now treats her so sweetly.
They have somewhat of the relationship she wished they could have had all along because now he looks at her with love.
God Bless and keep you in whatever you decide to do.

Answer 9

Forgiveness ,walk a mile in their shoes, study the way they were reared ,their education level,ability to break a chain of reaction to action. Listen to the stories they tell and ask questions, this promotes understanding. Hope all works out .

Answer 10

Let go of the past. It isn't doing you any good. Be the better person and treat them the way you would like to be treatedf in their situation. Anger and bitterness will eat you up if you let it. You will feel better in the end.