a close male friend and i hooked up, and were getting close, but now it's crumbling.?

Question

a male co-worker and i became good friends. we were both with other people @ the time, but were both unhappy. b4 we hooked up i knew he was cheating on his wife. we were only friends @ that time. eventually the attraction grew and we became intimate. he's a bachelor now (he's divorced) with his own place. i myself was back & forth with the relationship i was in. now he wants more of a one on one with me, but now he refuses to have a relationship with me because he thinks i'm cheating with the man i was dealing with when we first became friends. I'm not with the man i was with when we became friends, but we still are friends and i did sleep with him since my friend and i had become more than friends. my friend saw my ex and i on the porch and asked me the next day when the last time was that i saw him...and i said i hadn't seen him then he told me he saw us sitting on my front porch when he rode by oneday. he felt i would always lie and said he couldn't do it anymore. what to do?

Answer 1

I wouldn't be as harsh as the other answer. "Lie" may be the incorrect term. However, it sounds like both of you do have some relationship boundary definition issues because both of you have either "cheated" while with another primary partner, or been intimate with 2 people at the same time - which is perceived to be just as bad by most people. So it is understandable that both of you feel the other cannot be fully trusted.

And that is the key to you solving this issue - TRUST. You won't earn it through verbal declarations or sexual expression. You will have to figure out the complex ways to define your relationship status and build TRUST within that definition. Regardless, that will take time, because a) it always takes times, and b) both of you have trouble trusting others given your past experiences.

Instead of starting by declaring to be true and exclusive, possibly start with less constricting agreements. For example, say to him, "I will tell you if I spend time alone with any other man than you - whether that time is just chatting or working. I'll err on the side of making my activities transparent to you. I'm not saying I won't be social with other men, but I want to earn your trust, and I want to work to be close to you, so I will disclose any activities that might appear suspect."

Don't start by promising forever and "forsaking all others". Gradually improve the level of commitment as both of you warrant and earn each others' trust.

Answer 2

You lied to him. That was your big mistake. But he should have expected that since I assume you were lying to your ex while you were cheating on him.

If you want to be able to sleep around, be honest about it. If you want an exclusive relationship, then be exclusive. Either way, just be honest about what you want and who you want to be with. Do you know what you want?