Should I stay with someone if I don't think I can handle his child?

Question

am with someone whose child is 13 and out of hand. He Recently moved in with us and will not behave. He lies, steals, fails school, hits my children, and has no respect for anyone. I have tried to talk to his dad about therapy and discipline and he just take the defense. I have tried to make him feel like on of the family but it is getting hard when i have no say so about what he does. I tell him he cant do something and his father says ok. I treat him like my own including I love you's but Im getting to the point I cant do it anymore and I do not want my kids thinking that his behavior is ok and following his foot steps. I feel Im being more unfair to my kids who get punished for doing bad things when the step son gets off scott free. I have to hide the fact my kids are going out with friends and relatives because the people who invite them cant handle the other. I dont tell him because I dont want to hurt his feelings but why should I not let my kids go because of him

Answer 1

A relationship is a partnership. You are supposed to be united. This includes parenting. You can not parent this child alone.

I suggest family counseling if you want to save your relationship, your step child and your children. There are a lot of issues going on here and you need professional help.

Otherwise you must end this relationship. It is unfair to everyone involved.

Answer 2

It sounds like the child isn't accepting you and is making more trouble to get attention. He may feel like he doesn't belong and that you may have taken his mom's place. You didn't state whether there is a mom in the picture that maybe manipulating this situation.
But if the Dad can't or won't handle the situation, then something needs to change. Your Children do not need that kind of influence and if he loves you he should be able to see this.
If you can't get though to him. Then it's time to make a decision to move on. Your children only have one childhood, and you should be able to make the most of it without any guilt or hiding. And if he truly loves you, He would work hard enough to make this situation work.

Answer 3

OK, let me help you out. YOU HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO NO ONE BUT YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If this child is out of control, and abusive to your kids and you have no say and no control over disciplining him then there is a serious problem. You need to sit down with your man and explain to him that you ALL are supposed to be a family, and that his son's behavior is not acceptable. Don't be accusatory, or point the finger, just let him know how you feel, and that you feel that this is putting a burden on everyone in the home. If it is not dealt with, or your man can't deal for whatever reason, then I think you need to consider your well being and that of your children. #1, he is setting a horrible example for your kids, and #2, if today he is hitting and there are no consequences, then what's going to happen when he stabs, shoots, or beats one of your kids or you for that matter. Respect has to be given to be gotten, I would lock his a** in his room, no phone, no tv, no friends, no nothing. When you learn how to function in society, then you can be social, otherwise sucks to be you. Your man needs to get his son some serious help and fast, kids are not predisposed to be bad, there is obviously something he is troubled with, and is acting out as a result, but if he doesn't get help, it won't change, but remember a parents natural reaction is to defend their young, so be gentle with your man and try to be understanding when you discuss all this. Think about how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, but also remember what I said, your kids MUST come first. Hope this helps, and good luck!

Answer 4

Uff, TOUGH!!! I know it must be very hard for you because you certainly love that man. Probably I would say that you shouldn't stay with him, because it'll make your life miserable, and it's just starting. However, I think that if you love the man you should talk to him very openly, they way you are doing it with everyone here, and tell him what you are doing with your children in order for his son to feel ok, but that the kid is not a good example, and that Dad is not helping at all.

Tell him that you are doing everything to stay with him, but it's getting very tough on your kids and yourself and that you won't be able to handle it for too long, so he should help. He may react positively if you speak kindly, and hopefully will take care of the situation. Although I must be honest, it seems that he can't handle the boy. In that case, your kids go first. And that doesn't mean you have to split, but living together is probably going to make things worse.

Good luck, it's tough I know!

Answer 5

Whew! Blended familes! Obviously, you are living with someone who has a child who has no sense of respect or discipline. And if it's any indication, his father isn't going to enforce any changes soon.

You and your kids come first. If you are not married, this is an easy decision. Tell your bf that either he has to get a handle on his kid or the two of them will have to move out.

Please don't put this off for two reasons: Fist, the safely of your kids and second, the influence his son has on your kids. Both are important, but the influence he has will have long term effects. No matter how well a child has been raised, it only takes a short time for a negative influence to take hold.

Again, if your bf refuses to support you in this, they need to leave. If you want to keep seeing the guy, fine, but don't let them live in the same house.

Answer 6

I was just in a similar situation with a woman with a seventeen year old son. He'd moved back home at fourteen after trying unsuccessfully to reconcile with his father, her first husband. I'd been through this for three long years.

His own mother can't handle him but I was constantly condemned whenever I tried to even lightly correct or discipline him. I have no children, but his mother also has two very sweet little daughters, ten and six. The son is an abominable influence on the girls, who cannot understand why their half-brother is this way and why his behavior is tolerated. It goes against everything they've been taught, and they're very confused about it. And extremely fearful and upset.

It's not fair to you or your kids if you have to keep putting up with this. It was the same with me. I did everything I humanly could, including a lot of praying, and I was far more than patient. I hope you can find a more satisfying way out than I did.

Eventually, the mother let her son drive me out, and I had been the only positive influence in the little girls' lives. The mother chose to stay in a constant state of aggravation and rage because of her own son, and she still refuses to correct or discipline him. The girls are doing horribly in school now, and the only healthy father figure they've had in their lives is now gone, by their mother's choice. She chose to ask me to leave rather than have me stand up to her son whenever he goes on his frequent rampages.

No one won in this situation, not even the son. With me gone, he's now free to indulge in all the disrespect, anger, lying, theft, manipulation, and hard drugs that he wants.

He has left twice and both times his mother asked me to come back home. And then asked me to leave when he returned again. This is the third time. I chose to stay where I'm at. It's not worth it to stay with his hysterically dysfunctional mother, be she the woman I love or not.

My advice is to try every other alternative, but if you must, do what I did. Without reservation. Especially if you have kids that he's harming emotionally, let alone physically. If his dad was any kind of man, you wouldn't still be having this problem. And the same goes with you loving him. If he truly loves you, and he loves your kids, we would not have to be doing this right now. I still love my Lara, but the choices were all hers and never mine.

For what it's worth, I'm much happier. My only regret is leaving the little girls there in that viper's nest, but they're not mine and they'll be with their mother either way. All I can do is pray.

I regret that I gave it three years of my life, too. After just the first few months, I saw how it would turn out. I just kept thinking that if I tried harder and was a better father figure, eventually he'd come around. I had all the clues and yet I was clueless, right up to the final day.

God bless and may you and your kids find the peace and happiness you all deserve. Be it there or elsewhere.

Answer 7

Many MANY men feel like they have complete ownership of their first child (from a first marriage I mean) and they act defensive if someone tries to tell them that the father isn't disciplining his child correctly. If you love the father, then by all means stay. Do NOT let a disruptive child ruin your relationship. However, I would talk to the father and tell him that if he doesn't want your advice about raising the troubled youth, then you should FIRMLY state that you cannot deal with the child and WALK away when things get rough and toss them into the father's lap. You should DEFINITELY not make your children suffer because of the troubled youth and I would FREELY tell the father that you are letting them go with friends and NOT the troubled teen. If your boyfriend objects, tell him too bad and he should worry about his own kid while YOU handle yours accordingly.

Answer 8

No, don't stay. It sounds like a very destructive relationship. You should move out, because your children will resent you for putting them in a bad situation. It's a shame. The teen needs counseling and a lot of help.

Answer 9

Yes it is time to break it off. Its hard to be a blended family when you both don't agree on how to discipline the children all together. You can't do it individually because it isn't fair. If he doesn't want to seek counseling or come to a compromise it isn't going to work anyway.

Answer 10

Would you think the child is trying to break up the relationship on purpose?

No, you should not have to suffer with the behavior of the child. At 13 the child should be able to behave in a civil manner. If the father will not be the "father" then they are not accepting their responsibilities.

I suggest you sit them both down. Explain your feelings and tell them to get with the program or plan on departing. If it's your place you have every right to ask this.

Doing nothing only encourages the poor behavior they are both showing.

Answer 11

No you shouldn't. It's a package deal and his father will be forced to choose between the two of you. This is not fair to anyone involved, including the child...even if he is acting out.

Remember, this kid didn't get this way overnight, there were likely many contributing factors that were both genetic and environmental.