I need to know If it is wrong to stay with someone if you can not stand their kid?

Question

I love children and I have two as well but this child is such a bad kid. He steals, lies, hits, is failing all of his classes, got caught taking pornos to school that he stole. {not from my house}, noone likes to have him come over. I have to sneak my son to do fun things with his friends and family because this boy ask why he cant go. I know I probably should tell him but I dont want to make it worse by saying no one likes you or can stand you. His dad doesnt appear to care either. He tells him he can do whatever and never actually punishes him for the stuff he does. I dont think this boy has ever been grounded. Hes 13 and I cant talk to his dad w/out him getting upset and I cant handle this anymore. Any realistic advise would be great. (also Me and dad are expecting a baby in 8 wks, my son is 8 and daughter is 3yrs)

I need to clarify something. I include this child in everything I do with my children but i cant make everyone else do the same and it is unfair to not let my children have fun with friends because he cant come with them but I dont tell him because I dont want to hurt his feelings. I have tried everything and It hasnt worked. This child also only started living w/us on a regular basis in the past two months.

one more thing, I have mentioned to his father that we all need family therapy. The boy has problems that I cant fix. Once again I personally do not exclude him from any "immediate family" events just the extended because he will not behave when he is with them. I have tried the love approach but you can only have it thrown back at u so many times

Answer 1

Yes was my first answer, but your baby due in 8 weeks changes everything. You should have left the situation before deciding to have a child with someone who can't seem to raise them correctly. I really feel for your son and daughter, they are now stuck in situation almost destine to fail. Also this 13 year old now gets a mom who doesn't like him. You can't ignore your significant others child, he is now a part of your life and must be included with your other children. If you leave now you will just have another child with a broken home.

When parents screw up the children pay the price.

Answer 2

If you love children..then there is no reason that you can not love this child too. No matter how much he misbehaves, he is still your step-son. Maybe he is acting out because he is trying to get attention, or maybe its because he has never been properly disiplined. Either way..he needs to know that he is loved by both his father as well as you. Try taking time out of your day to spend some alone time with him..it may help him to know that he has someone to talk to, plus it will give you some time to explain to him that his behavior needs to improve. You should also take time to talk with his Dad about this so that you can work together on a solution. Set down some house rules that everyone must follow. The worst thing you could do would be to make him feel like an outsider. He is just as much part of this family as every else. It may also help to do some reading on "raising a teenager", since your children have not yet reached this stage..you should find some helpful hints about what to expect and how you can help him. It won't be easy..it will take a lot of effort from both you and your husband..but you both need to be on the same page.."Good luck".

Answer 3

The child needs help, yes. But it wasn't your question. YOUR question was if it is bad to stay with someone you care for even though you don't like their child. Part of being in a "blended" family is accepting the other person's children, too. Apparently you cannot accept this child for certain reasons. But remember, he has accepted your 2. As well as the two of you having one on the way...if he never punishes his oldest, and doesn't care what he does, then what kind of father is he going to be with the other children? Unfortunately this may become a normal thing for him to do with all the children. That isn't a good thing. You need to figure out what you want more. To be in a family that is happy and well adjusted or a family that will have constant friction and stress. It really isn't fair to anyone. If you want this relationship to work, ALL of you need to go to family counseling. I am afraid, that that is the only way it may work if you don't want to remain miserable. Good Luck!!

Answer 4

Unfortunately, the child is part of the family..Whether you like it or not. You are involved with his father, not to mention living together. Regardless of how he behaves his father needs to let you know, you can't have him without his son. The tables could be easily turned and he could be posting a question about your son.
I'm sure you were well aware of the warning signs before you moved in together and became pregnant. Unfortunately again, you are living and pregnant by a man that isn't your husband.. FIRST MISTAKE..another consequence for having sex outside of marriage. AND who has a problem child from hell.

It sounds like you need to make some decisions..Either accept the child, or move on with your life. Whether you like it or not..He's your man's son and you can't change that. The only thing you can change is..your address, or yourself and try to be there for the child. It's obvious the child has some issues. AND encourage him to want to do better.

Answer 5

With a baby on the way, it looks like you would be doing a disservice to your new baby by breaking up with the father. However, something needs to be done about the 13 year old.

Stand up to your boyfriend and tell him that you are afraid for the new baby and your children. Tell him that you will have to make some drastic moves away from both of them unless he handles his son.

Military school may be an option.... where is this boy's mother?

Answer 6

Are you saying that your are having a baby with a man, that you live with this man, and that you don't like his son?

Are you saying that a boy messing up this bad is going to live with your little boy, 3 yr old daughter, and baby?

Are you saying that the dad who created this messed up child is supposed to now be a parent for your children?

I hope that this is not the case and I am misunderstanding this narrative. if the father of the 13 year old is the father of your baby and you guys live together, you are bringing a baby in to a situation that is not about developing people to their best and not about creating the optimal situation for kids.

Do you really want your sweet little 8 year old to come to puberty around a boy already sneaking porn? Do you really mean to leave your daughter around a sexually activated boy who is not a blood relative?

Do you really want to have as a father to your children a man who cannot talk about hard subjects without getting so mad that you are afraid to talk to him?

This is the real deal. The things you are doing now are determing the mental health and social functioning of your children. This is not a game. This is your children's launching pad.

Are you tending it well and fulfilling your obligation to the lives you chose to bring here or are you using it for your own pleasures and pushing your kids off to the side, hoping they will somehow survive this thorny swamp?

My realistic advice, based on my impression that you are making a family with this 13 year old's dad, is that you get clear with yourself about what you are doing there.

Do you love a man who ignores his son and lets him run wild? Do you love a man that allows his child to develop in a way that makes the child unlovable?

Ask (and answer) yourself about what there is to love about such a man. Ask yourself why him, why now? Ask yourself why being in this situation is more important than giving your kids a healthy home life? Ask yourself what actions show love? Good sex after bad behavior? Or how about steady reliable partnership?

Is it because you'd rather be supported financially and he's okay in bed and he doesn't beat you, so here you stay and here you subject your children to a hellish upbringing?

You have a very tough situation because of your financial obligations to your kids. Are you getting support from their father(s)?

Can you move in with a healthy or trying to get healthy single mom who can share with you running a decent home for your kids?

Can you consider giving up this baby for adoption? I don't know if it would be a good idea, because I don't know if your 8 and 3 year old would think you might give them away. Nothing would be worth risking them fearing that. Nothing. But, I really wonder about adding a baby to this mess you've brought your children to.

And, by the way, when you tell someone no one wants to be with them because they act like a jerk (don't say because they are a jerk, but focus on behaviors), you are doing them a favor. As long as you point out their nice traits at the beginning and end, so they don't lose hope. But 13 is pretty old to be messing up. This kids character is set without meaningful intervention from dad.

Good luck and remember, day care damages babies and so does formula. Babies evolved to need their mother's arms and their mother's milk, for years after birth.

Answer 7

UGH..I dont know what to say really...I want to tell you to try and make this kids life better and to find him a positive role model...It doesnt sound like you hate this kid just that you want things to change...you need to talk to the dad..especially for the sake of the new arrival. You and the dad are the adults. He is probably doing all of this bad stuff to get attention. Maybe you should go to some kind of counseling. My ex hated my daughter. It was, in our case, totally unwarranted. My daughter was only 7 at the time and she is a quite kid who keeps to herself. To him it just wasnt his blood. At a family dinner, she stole a french fry off of my plate, kidding around, and her screamed at her in front of everyone..called her "the devil, who didnt deserve to be out in public, and shouldnt be around other children"..I left him that very night..Do the right thing and try and help this kid. Speak to his councelor in school. Try and get him to see the school psychologist as well. Maybe the dad would welcome some help in that department. Just keep reminding yourself that this is for the good of the family and for the new baby. You didnt mention the boys mother so Im assuming that she is out of the picture. Think about what this kid is going through by putting yourself in his shoes..his father doesnt care, his stepmom hates him, his step brother and sister get all the attention, and now there is a new baby coming..Be the one who cares.

Answer 8

Hard question... sounds like his dad needs to work on the tough love. If he is doing these bad things maybe he should be left out sometimes and only be allowed to do them when he is being "good". All kids are good, just do bad things and make bad choices (according to my mom, I know annoying isn't it). If the dad isn't getting involved in taking care of the childs problems then how can you expect him to take care of you if something happens? Yes, I'd leave in that situation.

Answer 9

I'm sorry to say you need not be with this man. The fact that your parenting clashes is a major issue. Try to talk to dad about his nonchalant parenting. Help him to understand that what his son does or doesn't do reflects on him and right now is reflection is breaking the mirror. If he doesn't get it try parenting classes. Try explaining it to him as if it were your child, sometimes people can't see what's wrong in their house until they see soemone else's house messed up. If he still don't get it, leave. Would you want your baby being that bad kid?

Answer 10

You and your partner obviously do not see eye-to-eye on discipline and raising kids, and that could cause serious problems further down the road.
The main complication is that you are already expecting a child with this man. The situation is difficult, but it looks like you will have to learn how to deal with his son- at least for the next 5 or 6 years that he is home.