When does the hurting stop?

Question

My husband died from cancer about a year and a half ago. I thought I handled it OK at the time - I had to be strong for my 2 kids, but now I am waking up at night and can't go back to sleep. Thinking about the last few days and hours before he died. How do I get this out of my head? I go to work everyday - I have friends I go out with, everything is fine except I can't get this out of my head. And I am missing him more now than ever- I thought it was supposed to get better - not worse...What is going on?

Answer 1

I am so sorry for your loss I can relate, my fiance died of 3 years ago, Don't ignore your feeling, There are 4 stage that you will go through in the greiving process Anger,Sadness, Denial, an finally acceptance. Don't ignore your feelings, talk to someone. here are some tips that worked for me.

Learn to accept that your loss is real.
For many people who are grieving a loss, the first impulse is to deny the loss. Grieving denial can range from downplaying the loss, as if it's not important, to having the delusion that the person is still alive.

.Adjust to living without the deceased.
When a loved one dies, we also lose the part of our lifestyle that included the deceased. So while we are grieving for the loved one, we are also grieving parts of our life that will never be the same. Sometimes it can take a few months following the death for this realization to sink in.

For example, if a man's wife dies, he misses her physically and emotionally, but he may also have lost a dear friend, sexual partner, golfing buddy, and fellow grandparent. Part of his grieving will naturally include missing the parts of his life that have changed with her death.
The tendency for some people is to feel that their lives are more empty following a loss.

This is a normal feeling for a time, but part of the grieving and healing process includes acceptance, and shifting our focus to include other people and activities.
This opens the door to finding other opportunities for love and companionship.

Find a safe place in your heart for your loved one, and move on.
This task can be especially hard for a grieving person because it can feel at first that you're being disloyal when you start to think about enjoying a life that doesn't include the deceased.

It's likely that memories of the loved one will stay with you throughout the rest of your life, and sometimes, even years after the death, you may feel a stab of pain when you think about the beloved person or pet that was so important to you.

When this happens, it's important to remind yourself that it's a normal part of the grieving and healing process, so allow yourself to have these feelings.

Learning to cherish a memory without letting it control you is an important last step in the grieving process. By finding a special safe "place" for that person, you can move into your life and begin to find joy in new places, knowing you take your cherished memories with you.


It's often easier for people who are greiving to have an intellectual understanding of the death (the person is physically gone) than an emotional understanding (the loved one is not coming back). So the first task for the grieving person is accepting that the loved one is really gone.

Make it OK to feel the pain.
The pain of grieving can be both emotional and physical, and unfortunately there's no way to avoid it. Denying the pain of grieving can lead to physical symptoms and can also prolong the grieving process.

Some people try to avoid grieving pain by being busy or traveling; others minimize their loss by idealizing the loved one or refusing to allow negative thoughts about the loved one enter their minds. Some grieving people use drugs or alcohol to deaden the pain.

Feeling the pain of grieving is difficult, but it's an important step toward healing.

Your doing good so far, you will never full recover but your grieve will be more managable

Answer 2

I am sorry for your loss. You are completely normal. Grieving is a process that you never completely get over. Yes, you handled it OK at the time, but you had to provide an anchor for your children and they needed time to deal with it. You have not completed your process yet and now, as other things occur, you are facing the part that you were forced to internalize then.

Yes, you are supposed to get better, not worse, but in this case, you are now officially going down the path to better, it takes time. You mention that you have friends, work and 2 kids. Sounds like you have much to do in your life. Allow yourself the time to remember the one you pledged to have and hold for ever and ever........ Time has not stopped, you still hold him in your heart and though it might be easier if it went by faster, you are making progress. Hold your kids tight, say your prayers and give it a little more time, you will get through this too, day by day.

Good Luck!

Answer 3

There is no timetable for grief and mourning. When you say you thought you'd handled it ok, perhaps you were just cushioning yourself from the deep pain that was yet to come because you needed to accomplish things like the funeral, adjusting to widowhood and single parenthood.

Now a real, deep pain is surfacing. Definitely go to a grief counselor or psychologist with whom to discuss this. Friends can't really help if they haven't gone through the same circumstances.

I watched an HGTV program the other day in which a widow of a man killed in Iraq was moving into her first house w/her two little kids. Her husband had been gone for 2 yrs. and she seemed to be moving forward, but she still had photos of him around, and memorabilia (wedding photos, his service awards, etc.). She looked to be at a point of more acceptance, even 'tho the sadness was still present.

Don't rush your feelings..just accept them. Time will help, 'tho you will always "grieve"...just in a less obvious and painful way.

Answer 4

I am very sorry for your loss. Have you talked to a grief counselor? You may not have had time to properly grieve if you were taking care of your children and trying to keep life as normal as possible. This can be normal - some people just grieve in a different way. Try to find someone (a professional) that you can talk to. Insomnia can be a sign of depression, also. Another idea might be to keep a journal and write down all of the things that you are feeling and memories that you have - sometimes just writing out your thoughts and feelings can help - many, many hugs -

Answer 5

Firstly, everything is ok. This is normal. Hang in there...

I think you just answered your own question. You said that in the beginning, after his death, you had to stay strong for your kids. Unfortunately this only delays your own grieving process. And, it sounds like you're finally able to start grieving for yourself. The length of time of the grieving process is different for everyone. As far as I'm concerned, you can't count that first year and a half...you weren't grieving. You were holding it together and stuffing it for your kids. You didn't do anything wrong...you've just postponed your ability to heal.

From what you've just said, I think you're finally ready to start the healing process. I suggest you get some counseling...either individual or in the form of a support group. Grieving is a process. It takes time, and it takes work. A counselor can help you through this painful process.

Don't lose hope...you've already begun to heal.

I wish you peace.

Answer 6

Hey gal - believe unhealthy for you. I realize its no longer effortless getting out of a five-12 months relation and that too a are living in. Let me be sincere - the anguish is not going to cross in a single day - because the connection used to be so prolonged and so intimate. Prepare your self for a few severe heartache so that they can maintain for a few extra time. When I say get ready I imply do not be amazed at the way you believe and take a look at to be mentally all set for the long run, ie. a dinner with household/peers (chorus from being with couples presently - it's going to no longer aid) in which you're going to be requested or will generally tend to overlook him - be all set with what you're going to say and the way you're going to manage it - thereby getting rid of any shock circumstances which would possibly motive you additional anguish. Think approximately what went incorrect within the predicament and why it used to be major to get a divorce - this reality will aid you salvage your internal force (pray to God who will encompass you together with his peace and knowledge presently) and notice the sunshine of day. Organise your days to maintain busy and plan for lots of time with individuals who love and recognize you - this will probably be like a balm to your wounds. Get desirous about different pursuits with a purpose to make you a larger individual than you already are. Do no longer appear at the back of you however forward of you. Don't appear at what you may have misplaced however what you're approximately to acquire - a larger long term. Sure it's going to harm - however just for a at the same time - believe me you made the correct resolution and the hurting will leave. Just hold in there, love yourself extra and put on a grin extra mainly. Get good quickly gal!

Answer 7

The death of your husband had caused a permanent black spot in your memory. It was saved and stored in a dark corner of the memory. But some thing-is it that your child looks like him or your daughter behaving like him?-brought back those memories from the storage. Thus when you are alone, you feel you are helpless and with no support to bring up the children. That makes you think of him more!!!
Start living for the children without compromising your freedom.Socialize with friends. join some NGO to look after the sick( Palliative society???)and take a mental vow that I will not deter my duty and shall not trouble my husband who probably would have been watching it from above!!That should give you the courage!!!

Answer 8

I lost someone close about the same time as you. I also thought I was doing better but recently have become weepy at strange times. It bothers me too. We just have to keep the faith that we will make it through the pain... it hurts in ways I can't even describe. People have lived through this before, and eventually we will too. Hang in there and realize grief is a process, not just a word. I'm sorry for your loss.

Answer 9

The pain never fully goes away..You can contact support groups to help you through your loss. You had to handle everything and be strong for everyone shortly after his passing. It sounds like you never actually had the chance to grieve. Many feel guilty about moving on without their loved ones, especially falling in love again. Support groups and counseling can help you work through your feelings. Good Luck.

Answer 10

Well, you had a very good start. You were staying strong for the kids. Try to have fun. Do what you like e.g., your hobby. Like, swimming, designing clothes, typical stuff. I would suggest to do something with your kids because they probably feel very sad like you. Embrace the pain.