...best joke....?

Question

any1 ????

Answer 1

1) Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else? Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

2) Waiter: Would you like your coffee black? Customer: What other colors do you have?

3) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

4) Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

5). Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday? Son: Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.

6). Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his? Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

7). Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything! Son: That’s why I say she's no good!


Here goes:
Professor (Inside the Class)

# Open the doors of the windows. Let the atmosphere come in.
# Open the doors of the windows. Let the air force come in.
# Cut the apple into two equal halves, take the bigger half.
# Shhh…quiet boys the principal just passed away in the corridor.
# You, meet me behind the class (meaning After the class)
#Both of you three, get out of the class.
# Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today.
# Take copper wire of any metal, especially silver.
# Take five cm wire of any length.
(About his family)
# I have two daughters. Both of them are girls!!!!!!!!!
(At the ground)
# All of you, stand in a straight circle.
(To a boy angrily)
# I talk, he talk why you middle middle talk.
(Giving a punishment)
# You, rotate the ground 4 times.
# You, go & under-stand the tree.
# You three of you, stand together separately.
# Why are you late- say yes or no.
(Sir at his best)
# Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did not see them.
So the next day at school… (to that boy) – “ yesterday, I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the cinema theatre.”


AND THE BEST ONE

Many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law, and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue,
Because although she is my wife, she is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild.
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa.

Answer 2

A little boy was in school and his assignment was to describe the legal system, so he went home and asked his father about it and he said, "You can think of me as Congress, the nannie as the working class, your mother as the government, you can be the people, and your baby brother can be the future, now why don't you think about that and you can figure out how the legal system works together for your assignment." The little boy thought about it and started writing his paper, but was told to go to bed before he could finish, so he went to sleep. A few hours later he woke up to his baby brother crying. He went to see what was wrong and found that he had a dirty diaper. He went to get his parents, but when he got to their room only his mother was there, so he immediately went to get the nannie. When he got to the nannie's room the door was locked, so he looked through the keyhole and saw his father sleeping with the nannie. He finally gave up and went back to bed. The next morning he went up to his father and said, "I think I understand how the legal system works now." The father replied, "Oh, really? How's that?" The little boy smiled and said, "While Congress is in bed with the working class, the government's sound asleep, the people are ignored, and the future is in deep s***."

Answer 3

This page cannot be displayed
The page you are looking for is currently unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your browser settings.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please try the following:
Click the Refresh button, or try again later.
If you typed the page address in the Address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly.
To check your connection settings, click the Tools menu, and then click Internet Options. On the Connections tab, click Settings . The settings should match those provided by your local area network (LAN) administrator or Internet service provider (ISP).
See if your Internet connection settings are being detected. You can set Microsoft Windows to examine your network and automatically discover network connection settings (if your network administrator has enabled this setting).
1. Click the Tools menu, and then click Internet Options.
2. On the Connections tab, click LAN Settings.
3. Select Automatically detect settings , and then click OK.
Some sites require 128-bit connection security. Click the Help menu and then click About Internet Explorer to determine what strength security you have installed.
If you are trying to reach a secure site, make sure your Security settings can support it. Click the Tools menu, and then click Internet Options. On the Advanced tab, scroll to the Security section and check settings for SSL 2.0 , SSL 3.0, TLS 1.0, PCT 1.0.
Click the Back button to try another link.

Cannot find server or DNS Error
Internet Explorer

Answer 4

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

Answer 5

In the good old days of the golden oldies, most records were sold on the Decca label.

Henry Buses had a hot hit titled, "Hot Lips." A lady heard the record on the radio and decided that she just had to have it.
She looked up the number for the record shop and called them.

Unfortunately, she misdialed and, instead of reaching the record store, she got "Hank's Auto Body."

She said, "Do you have 'Hot Lips' on a ten-inch Decca?"

Hank, who had answered the phone himself, said, "Well, uh, ma'am, no, but I do have hot nuts under a ten-inch pecker!"

A slight pause.

The lady said, "Is that a record?"

"I don't know, ma'am, but it's a damned good average."

Answer 6

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature
through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He
noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked

"They're mating," her father replied

What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
replied: "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs"

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment......... then
took her foot and s tomped them flat and said,

"Well, we're not having any of that gay **** in our garden."

Answer 7

Just some of my favourites...

1.
Small Sam was gazing into the crib at his new baby sister, who lay wailing at the top of the voice. "Has she just come from heaven?" inquired Small Sam tenderly. "Yes." replied his mother. "Well," said Small Sam, "it's no wonder they put her out."

2.
Ann: I'm saving up my money to buy one of those small Japanese radios.
Nan: How are you going to understand what they're saying?

3.Policeman: Didn't you hear me yell for you to stop?
Motorist: No, I didn't.
Policeman: Didn't you see me signal for you to stop?
Motorist: No, I didn't.
Policeman: Didn't you hear me blow my whistle for you to stop?
Motorist: No, I didn't.
Policeman: Well, I guess I might as well go home. I don't seem to be doing much good around here.

4.
Husband(to Policeman): Officer, my wife has been throwing things at me ever since we've been married.
Policeman: Then why didn't you complain before?
Husband: This is the first time she's hit me.

Answer 8

Two redneck wives were drinking tea and the one noticed that the other was pregnant.

"We don't have to worry about that!" said one, pointing to her friend's tummy. "For years now we are using the 'Bucket and saucer' method of contraception."

"And what may that be?" asked the pregnant one.

"You see, my husband is quite short. So we do it standing up and he stands on a bucket to reach. So I watch him, and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him!"

Answer 9

haha nicely solid i've got been given a intercourse humorous tale for you desire you like it :) on listening to that her grandad had merely died kate went and visited her nan to convenience her while she asked how he died her nan replyed by sayin that he had had a heart attack at an identical time as makin love 2 her kate suggested that it became stupid that 2 previous human beings the place havin intercourse because it became askin for complication her nan replyed by sayin that they used to do it to the slow %. of the church bells because it became merely the suitable suited velocity she then wiped a tear from her eye and carryed on by sayin''if that dahmed ice cream van hadnt come alongside he could nonetheless be alive at present'' :) xxx

Answer 10

2 squeleton was on a roof and one squeleton said to the other jump first and the other squeleton said no i want to save my skin.
(old joke)