What's the funniest joke you've heard recently?

Answer 1

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"

Answer 2

1) Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else? Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

2) Waiter: Would you like your coffee black? Customer: What other colors do you have?

3) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

4) Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

5). Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday? Son: Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.

6). Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his? Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

7). Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything! Son: That’s why I say she's no good!


Here goes:
Professor (Inside the Class)

# Open the doors of the windows. Let the atmosphere come in.
# Open the doors of the windows. Let the air force come in.
# Cut the apple into two equal halves, take the bigger half.
# Shhh…quiet boys the principal just passed away in the corridor.
# You, meet me behind the class (meaning After the class)
#Both of you three, get out of the class.
# Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today.
# Take copper wire of any metal, especially silver.
# Take five cm wire of any length.
(About his family)
# I have two daughters. Both of them are girls!!!!!!!!!
(At the ground)
# All of you, stand in a straight circle.
(To a boy angrily)
# I talk, he talk why you middle middle talk.
(Giving a punishment)
# You, rotate the ground 4 times.
# You, go & under-stand the tree.
# You three of you, stand together separately.
# Why are you late- say yes or no.
(Sir at his best)
# Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did not see them.
So the next day at school… (to that boy) – “ yesterday, I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the cinema theatre.”


AND THE BEST ONE

Many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law, and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue,
Because although she is my wife, she is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild.
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa.

Answer 3

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

Answer 4

There were a 80 year old couple banging against a fence, with their arms and legs going all over the place, they stopped, the old lady says my goodness darling you never banged me that hard 50 years ago, the old man replies, yes but darling that wasnt an electric fence 50 years ago!!!

Answer 5

A man boards a Jet Airways airplane Delhi to Mumbai and takes his seat.
>
>
>As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding
>the plane.
>
>
>He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold,she
>
>
>takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he asks
>
>
>"Business trip or vacation?"
>
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>She turns, smiles, and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Sexologists
>Convention."
>
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>He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting
>
>
>next to him, and she's a sexologist!
>
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>Struggling to contain his excitement and maintain his composure, he calmly
>
>
>asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
>
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>"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular
>myths
>
>
>about sexuality."
>
>
>"Really?" he says, swallowing hard. "What m-m-m-myths are those?"
>
>
>Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that Blacks are the best
>endowed
>
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>when, in fact, it's the Tamilian who is most likely to possess that trait.
>
>
>Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually
>it
>
>
>is the Bengali.
>
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>However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is
>the Sardarji."
>
>
>Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm
>sorry,"
>
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>she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your
>
>
>name!"
>
>
>"Venkatraman!" the man blurts. "Venkatraman Mukherjee ! .. But my friends
>call
>
>
>me Santa Singh !"
>

Answer 6

A man walks down the sidewalk and sees a tennis ball lying there. So he picks it up and puts it in his pocket. Later, a blonde Paris Hilton look-alike walks up to him and asks "What's that funny bulge in your pants?" The man replies "tennis ball." The blonde exclaims "Oh, that must be sore! I had Tennis Elbow once!"

(for those who don't know, Tennis Elbow is a condition where your elbow swells up!!!)

Answer 7

my wife put highlights in her hair the other day.later that night she was pouting because she accidentally put some cream rinse in the dye mixture and it didn't take properly. so we went to walmart in the middle of the night and got the kit she needed. the next day we were riding and she said"i love the way my hair turned out,just look at it it has three kinds of blonde in it." i in turn said"oh my god woman,i can never tell you another blonde joke ever!!!'
"why?" she asks.because then id have to explain it three times!!!!

that really happened that's why i think its so funny...

Answer 8

two peanuts walked into a bar, one was a salted.

heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.

hope u like these.

Answer 9

married couple in their 60's r visited by a fairy who grants them one wish each.
wife said i wish to travel around the world with my darling husband,2 tickets for a luxury cruise appear in her hand.
husband says sorry love but i wish for a wife 30 yrs younger than me.
so the fairy waves her wand and the husband became 92 yrs old.
MORAL OF THE STORY- men who r ungreatful b******s should remember that faries r female.

Answer 10

John was sitting in the plane . He was travelling to Australia . He feels sick , so he was vomiting in a plastic bag . The plastic bag was full , so an air hostess told him to control and not to vomit , while she will go and take a new plastic bag for him to vomit . When she came back with a new plastic bag , she saw the whole plane was full of vomit , and she asked John why he vomitted . John answered :" Its not me , but its the other passengers in the plane " . The air hostess asked : Why they vomitted ? John answered : " My plastic bag was full of vomit . I can't control my vomit , so I drank the vomit in the plastic bag and continued to vomit . The passengers saw that , and the vomitted ."