What do you do to "connect" with your teenager?

Question

It is now 3:30 am here and my daughter (15) just went to bed. Had a real heart to heart confession session. I hugged her, she hugged me. We told things we never normally would have. She understands I screwed up and I don't want the same for her. How do you talk to your kids?

Answer 1

All of these answers are really great. (minus 2 or 3 that say "Dont talk to us.. we hate to be talked to by parents".

Ok, So im the daughter. I enjoy my talkes with my mom. I like her to know what im up to, that way she knows that im not out doing drugs and stuff. I try to be as completly honest with her as I can. I think open talks are great, as long as the parenent (or teenager) doesn't get all agree and start screaming. Once the screaming starts the convo has ended and the teenager wont talk to the parent for awhile about anything else.

Not alot of my freinds have this open relationship with their parents. Mostly they see them as someone who they live with, gives them money, feeds them and drives them places. That's about it, and it saddens me. Talking to my mom about certain things usually brightens my dad.. and the confessions we release feel good cause we get the guilt monkey off our back.

In grade 8 I guess I forgot I could talk to my mom. Things went bad that year, and maybe it was because we didnt talk about many serious things. I got into drugs. (only marjuana - a few times) and did some things I deffently regret. Since then it has been much better. I dont do any sort of drugs or alchool, and still a virgin. Which at this coming age, is something to be proud of.

I know now that I can tell my mom anything, she'll just talk it over with me without getting mad and it comforts me. Usually i'm not the only one to tell things, so we get to comfort eachother. I deffently suggest a open relationship between all teens and parents. The key is to listen and not get mad, just give your opinions and support them. In the end the teen will do what he or she wants. But by knowing how their parent feels about such things, can actually make a big difference. I know that I want to make my mom proud and not have her asking the question "where did I go wrong?".

Answer 2

We Hate When Our Parents Talk To Us.We Feel Really Awkward.Especially When It Comes To Drugs And Alcohol,If You Say Not To Our Mission Is To Try To Do It Behind Your Back.It's More Fun That Way And Kids Like To Rebel.But If You Don't Have Those Talks When They're Teenagers Then Chances Are They Won't Do It.

Answer 3

Ask her to write a letter. People often express their feeling much better when writing about it. Plus you will have the letter for future reference and you can bring it out if your daughter have any problems or something.

For example if your daughter write "I was so in love with Mike, that it hurt so much when I break up. However it has been a week and now I feel lot better eventhough it still hurt" then few years later she break up with let say... Tim. She start to talk about how she couldn't live without Tim and want to sucidie, you can pull that letter out and show it to her, that will make her realize that it's a very normal process.

Also if you're good at read between line or have psychology knowledge, you can learn lot amazing thing about her. I once have a really horrible dream (not nightmare, but dream that really upset me) and I tried to tell my psychology professor about it. He didn't give me a great answer so he ask me to write about the dream and my feeling in every possible details. Once he read it, he was able to explain everything very well and much better.

As for talking, that is very tricky part. When I was a teenage I and my mom couldn't really talk because we end up yell at eachother. So here's my suggest but you WILL need a nerve of steel otherwise it will all go out of window. You will need to sit down and promise your daughter that in this consveration, you will not be mad at her or use her consveration against her in the future and let her talk about ANYTHING she want to. You'll probably be surprise at what she end up say. If she say she do something really wrong, ask her if she want your help with that part, she will most likely say yes. Then you two can make a agreement and write it down. Also be very understanding and ask her question about every small details (why are you attract to that guy? Why do you like way he dress? Why do you hang out with that girl? Why do you want to visit that country?) and she will talk more. It take practice and time to do this, however it can be done. Keep in mind you're the parent/leader/role model/adult in this consveration so DON'T lose your temper, act like you know more than her, or anything. Instead try to guide her gently. She will absolutely love you for that.

Answer 4

Sounds like you're doing a great job by communicating with her and being honest with her - My now college student gave me the blues during his teenage years and I spent a lot of time crying because I didn't know what to do but the one thing I stayed firm on was communicating with him even when he wouldn't communicate back and being honest with him by keeping it real and when I look back on the situation and compare it to how it has helped him now that he is older I'm confident I did the right things - You may spend a lot of time frustrated but never give up on her or yourself and I suggest to get an up close and personal prayer life with God - you're gonna need it - trust me it may not take away your tears because the teen years are EXTREMELY difficult but it will help relieve some of your frustration - Just remember you were once that age and had an attitude as well - Stay on course I think you are on the right track - Hope this helps

Answer 5

I have three teenagers, and these last few years have been completely strenuous on all of us. Teens are in the stage where they want to experiment with things we've always told them were "bad" or "dangerous". We, as parents, have for the most part told them what they could or couldn't do. Now they are ready to find themselves. I always stressed that my children could come to me no matter what, but they had no idea how to approach the hard subjects.
I came up with a solution that worked for my family. I told them I'd like to be their friends, but there was a time when I had to be the parent too. When they needed advise, they were to leave a note on my mirror saying they needed to talk to me as a friend or as a parent. In friend mode, I was only allowed to listen without censorship, no matter what the subject. Let me tell you, this was hard for me. My 15 year old daughter telling me she had lost her viginity to someone she loved, but treated her like she was a piece of meat. My 17 year old telling me he was hooked on drugs and was afraid of what was going to happen to him. I listened to it all, gave that child a hug and calmly stated that all would be okay.
The very next day, I left a note on their mirror stating that I needed to talk to them as a parent. I then informed, again, my daughter of the dangers of STD's and that I would provide her with protection if she would promise to use it. She did. I then asked my son if he felt a drug rehab program would be acceptable to him. It was.
The idea of all this was to let these teens make their own decisions, which they will anyway, even without our agreement or approval. To make this a two-way street, I also leave notes when I have problems. Teens will give you great insight and can be good listeners too. This shows them that we can be here for each other. The note was also a great ice breaker. Good Luck!

Answer 6

I dont have any kids, but I wasnt a teenager too long ago. The more my parents yelled at me, talked down to me, and basically lectured me, the more I wanted to ignore them. If they talk to me as an adult I tended to be more receptive to them. For me its all in the tone of voice. The more relaxed and calm they were, the more I was, too. That helps a lot as well. Just low key, no attacks. Dont like being attacked into a corner, b/c I tend to come back punching and kicking, figuratively speaking.

Answer 7

Just like you just did, heart to heart. I tell her that I'm not perfect, and realize she's not perfect (she's 16), and that I want only the best for her. I try to do things with her as well, Sunday night we're going to see the musical "Grease" together--she loves musical theater and knows some of the kids in the production. I think the idea of spending quality time with your kids is overrated, you just have to flat spend time with them. Sometimes it does come down to quantity rather than quality.

Hopefully you and I will get through these teen years relatively unscathed!!! Best of luck to you!

Answer 8

You keep up the closeness and the trust. Don't let this be a one-time talk. Do things with her- volunteer together, take her out for ice cream or to the library, just hang out and show her she matters by spending time with her.

If you keep the lines of communication open, she'll come to you when she feels lost or confused.

Answer 9

I talk to my children with a Beer in one hand and a baseball bat in the other

Answer 10

im not there yet, but sounds like you're doing a great job with your teen