Someone please give me advice on what to do! My father-in-law is an alcoholic.......?

Question

He has nowhere to go after August 3, 2006. He has been drinking for over 30+ years. We recently sent him to rehab but because of insurance he could only stay two weeks.Two weeks cant help anyone. He started drinking within days of getting out. He can not come live with us b/c of kids. I have tried to find him a place and we know he wont pay his bills. We want to have him committed to a mental hospital but you have to get a lawyer and we dont have the money. He will not take a bath and he is very weak. He is 65 years old also. If we dont find him a place he will live in the woods and I know he wont survive in this heat. He has been homeless before. But he is getting older. I just need to know what else to do. He wont go to a nursing home or the VA. Any suggestion? Please e-mail me or let me know! Thanks very much

I don't think two-weeks can help someone who has been addicted to alcohol for 30+ years. It takes months, years and sometimes decades before someone can finally become clean. He even has had a Dr. to tell him that he would not be able to function without alcohol in his system b/c his body would not know how to respond.

He will not go to a nursing home. We have called the hospital and been there more than once. They send him to rehab and he is out in no time. Adult Protective Services says there is nothing they can do excapt give me numbers to call for him to go and get better. He is not willing to do any of this!

Answer 1

some would suggest AA But I don't know if that is any help.
Most citys have lots of meeting he could go to.
If that is not for him then rational recovery, smart recovery and SOS can be found online. You might want to check that out too.

You could try calling around locally to the legal aid and other community services to get some counseling as to any services for the homeless and near homeless in your area.
We have a variety of shelters and other assistance. From what you say he does need help to respect himself again.
And you are right to not let him move in and disrupt your household and drag you down into the gutter with him.

I would suggest you keep searching for any services locally and talk with ministers and churches who have ministry's devoted to just this thing. Good Luck to you. You are not alone.
Sadly there are others in shoes similar to you.

Legal aid may be able to walk you through the process and help you find a way to have him committed. Here it is fairly simple to get a 72hr commitment but laws vary from place to place.
maybe you could get his doctor to say he has Alsheimers (sic)
the spell check couldn't help me it thought I meant alchemy or Florsheim's(teehee)
Don't give up keep looking and hopefully you will find the help you need. Good Luck .

Answer 2

You mention the VA, so I am assuming that he has benefits through them. I believe you may be able to get help from them. Call your local VA office and explain your problem to them very clearly, and ask them if there is someone who can help you. I know that my friend's mom, before she retired, worked for the VA and she was a social worker who specialized in coordinating health and mental care services for people with VA benefits. One of the things she did was help families understand how the VA can help them in caring for their loved ones.

You would, indeed, have a hard time getting him committed, but there may be a psychiatrist or psychologist working with the VA who will be willing to sign papers and have him committed. Also, most communities offer legal services for those who don't have a lot of money. Since you have access to a computer, you should just be able to look up your own state's Bar Association website, and it should have a list of resources for free or nearly free legal services. I have a link somewhere around here, and I will post it at the bottom.

Also, you should contact your state's health department. I know in my state, there are programs for people who fall through the cracks like this. I don't know exactly what they offer, or what your state offers, but they may be able to help you find out about your options.

As a last resort, you could call the police. Don't call 911, as this isn't an immediate emergency, but instead call the office. Ask what your legal options are. Can you have him picked up and held for a 72 hour observation period? Often, if you can get that done, the doctors who do the observation will certify that a person needs to be committed.

I think you just need to explore all the options you can think of. I know sometimes when we are dealing with problems, we cannot even see the options. I don't know if anything I have written will pan out, but I hope it gives you some ideas of where to find more information.

Here's that link I was talking about. Just click on your state, and there will be a list of options with icons. There should be one for low-income legal help.

http://www.abanet.org/legalservices/findlegalhelp/home.cfm

Good luck!

Answer 3

Call department of family services and ask them to give you some advice on this. This is so sad. I hope you can find him some help. I understand why you dont want him living with you. See if there is some kind of shelter that helps people help themselves so he dosent feel helpless and they wont let him drink there. He has a real problem and there are ways to force him to get help without getting a lawyer. If nothing else and you are worried about him wait till he is homeless and tell the police that he needs some help. legally they can put him in the mental ward. That will get you out of getting a lawyer. There are also Lawyers that work for the state that are free. Ask DFS about one of them too.

Answer 4

When he is most coherent tell him that his actions are interrupting your family life and you cannot allow it anymore. You must take care of yourself and kids and husband. You sound very stressed. I learned in counseling courses that if you are working harder than the client then you need to stop.You will have become another victim in their clinging to the problem, he will absorb you and all of your well intentions. He must want to get better on his own and it doesn't sound like he wants to. Your husband's siblings, if any,need to decide what to do and do it! I would personally choose commitment into a mental hosp.where he can be treated for the withdrawal and his mental state. Tell him when he gets out that he is welcome to your home as long as he stays sober, but the first time he arrives drinking or drunk that you will call the police to remove him and have him recommitted. If you tell him exactly what you expect and then follow through he may get it after a time or two. God be with you and I pray your whole family will have peace from this problem.

Answer 5

First you should read some books on codependency (Melody Beattie is a favorite of mine). This isn't even your own father and you're more concerned about him than you should be. Al-Anon is the group for friends and families of alcoholic (you), it's a great resource to learn what appropriate behavior is you can find a meeting on line.

Have you said to him what you wrote above? Let him know that you're not going to save him. He has to make that decision himself. I'm going through the same thing with a friend and I've had to just say, "I'm not going to play along with your drunken rules so I can watch you kill yourself." Watching and helping someone drink themselves to death is not fun. Go, live your life and let him choose how to live or lose his.

It doesn't take a prescribed time period to kick drinking. It takes a committment to self. It takes being more tired of the drinking. It takes a choice of the drinker.

Another idea is to call 211 (First Call For Help, or the United Way) ask for free legal aid to get him admitted because he's a danger to himself and you might find some help.

You take care, breathe, live your life and find something to take your mind off of this stuff.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Have you tried Adult Protective Services, your local hospital to ask about Detox/Behavioral Medicine Unit? You could also try calling a hospital social worker and question them where you could send him or even have him committed. If it's a money thing, stick with the Catholic Hospitals, they usually will not make a person leave a facility until they get state assistance for the patient.

Answer 7

um , try to be independant and dont depend on him!, Make some $$ and find a shelter or a nursering home, look online for those, live in the streets if its neccessary!, if its extreme, or just help him solve it, if you have a good relationship you might just talk him into getting into a program!, oh, if u wanna find a place for HIM, then thats a good question!, you gotta find some Programs or places where they do that!, check a local directory, yellow pages. It will end up costing more to pay for hospitality than to find something to solve it. If u say he's weak he will become physically unstable, you gotta get rid of the beers!,

Answer 8

oh Hon I feel your pain.
Have you ever been to Al anon? it is for the family and friends of people with addictive behavior. It saved my life.
If you have done all that you can do you will have to let go. This man long ago made a choice to live his life like this. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't fix it. There will be a time to give it to God.
You could go to court and ask for power of attorney over him. then you can probably get him into a residental center or a group home, or a convelesent center. You can also cut your ties wtih him. /That doesn't mean you don't care about him.......you just have done all that you can do.

REach out to any support groups locallly.

Answer 9

Two weeks can help people. There are millions of people who have attended A.A. and achieved sobriety without going to a rehab. "You" cannot do anything except be supportive. You cannot make him stop drinking. Only he can make himself stop drinking, but he has to want to. What you can do is attend Alanon, which is a 12 step recovery program for people whos lives are affected by alcoholics. This can help you deal with your own feelings and understand that you are neither responsible for his drinking, nor can you stop his drinking.

Again, millions of alcoholics have achieved sobriety without ANY rehabs. In the later stages of alcoholism, stopping cold turkey is dangerous without medical supervision because of the risk of seisures and numerous other medical issues. However, the body will detox within a week. You may not like the fact that he was unable to achieve sobriety in a two week program, but I know several people with over 20 years sobriety, and they drank from 20 to 30 years prior to becoming sober.

"He is not willing to do any of this!" is the key to why he is not sober. It doesn't matter what anyone wants; if he does not want to become sober, then he won't. That is not your fault, but it would be helpful for you to understand that you cannot force him to choose to be sober.

Answer 10

My heart goes out to you guys. The reality is this: Some people have to hit rock bottom. I don't know why he chose the path he is on, or what caused it, but it wasn't you. I would back off. He has to want better for himself. He will either become sick and tired of being sick and tired or he will become deranged. That is when he will seek help. Put aside some money to bury him.

Pray for him daily, and try to encourage him to get help. DO NOT BRING HIM IN YOUR HOME.

Yes it is tough love. If someone put a foot in his butt years ago, it would not have such a negative toll on the family now. People can be so selfish. I do know that your love doesn't want to just leave him out there, but honestly what good will come of your continually enabling him to misbehave?