My 10 yr old daughter is going to put me into an early grave!!!?

Question

Ok...I am divorced and my ex has nothing to do with our 10 yr old daughter....he has a new family, and I guess she doesn't fit into it. She is still very close to his parents and sees them all the time. I work full time, I am keeping her fed , and clothed and in a nice home...she wants for nothing....when I'm not at work, I'm with her, or driving her around taking her to her friends.. in short, she is spoiled...Now,,,I do have her in councelling....as am I ...in the mean time....she treats me like crap....she doesn't pick up after herself, I can't get her to brush her teeth, hair,,,I have to fight with her to get a shower...she talks back to me, and sometimes swears at me...in short,,,if she was not related to me, and just a kid on the street, I would wonder who was raising her, if anyone. I do work full time, family helps to look after her while i work...I also have some health issues that are getting worse because of this...I love my daughter, but don't like who she is...help

Answer 1

I think it's wonderful that you are both in counseling. You are doing your very best as a mother and that is all anyone can ask of you. You probably know this, but she is having anger issues because of her father, and she is lashing out, expressing her feelings. You may do this already, I don't know, but maybe when she is acting particularly exasperating (blaming you for everything that has gone wrong in her life, etc.) you should take a deep breath and just listen to what she has to say and then ask her what this is really about. Ask her is she is upset by something or is there something she wants to share with you. Don't pressure her, but just let her know that you are there for her to talk to; be open to her. Let her know how much you care about her feelings. I know she talks to her counselor but she needs to talk to you, too. She just may not know it or know how to open up to you. I believe that when this happens (and it will - just be patient) then you two will probably not even need counseling anymore.

Try not to be stressed out; that's not good for either one of you. Try to relax, and do things for yourself for a change.

Best wishes, and good luck.

Answer 2

If you think this problem is deeper then just a stage continue taking her to the counselor. on the other hand, I know it's hard but don't give up on her and let her know that too.she might be going through something that she doesn't know how to handle,try to figure it out what ever you do, try not to yell at her, no matter how mean she gets.try talking to her let her know that you are there for her and that you will always be there no matter what, tell her you love her and that you want to help her. start over with trust and tell her that as long as she follows the rules and doesn't give you a reason to not trust her that you will give her more freedom. once you tried your best, give her time, and talked with her, about why she is acting that way, if she doesn't change then you have to really take control, be firm , strict, and strong. take away the phone , money or friends.take away whatever she likes if she doesn't listen too you don't let her get away with anything you are the mom, you are in control.she has no right to disrespect you.. she may not like you very much now but if you keep strong she will know in the future that you did it because you loved her and you wanted her to be the best that she can be.whatever you do don't ever put her dad down in front of her that may be the reason that she is acting that way.she could be hurt inside.JUST BE STRONG GIRL. good luck

Answer 3

Well, definitely talk to her. What she could be doing is acting out to get your attention to make sure you still know she's there and that you still love her. I know exactly how it feels to have your father leave, find a new family, and want nothing to do with you. It's the worse feeling EVER! She's really hurting right now. Since her father isn't in the picture she needs YOU not help from some professional who don't know squat about your family. But you, the person who raised her, put bandades on her booboo's. It sounds like you haven't been spending much time with just her... not trying to be mean. But maybe you need to schedule a specific night a week just for her. That's what my mom did. It made me feel so special and loved. It might work. You should try it.

Answer 4

OK, you said it yourself, she is spoiled. that is the bottom line. People only need the following: water, food, shelter, clothing(maybe) and family/friends/community. that's not much right? Take away everything else from her, tell her that you are ashamed of her, that she is ten years old, you are her mother, and your not going to put up with this! put your foot down. kids NEED discipline, boundaries, rules, and guidance! So give it to her! She is coming up to the rebellious stage of life, you need to talk talk talk talk and talk some more. A counselor? YOU be her counselor! things aren't always easy, but you must tell her exactly what you want from her, and if she doesn't cooperate, discipline. you have to, it's your job! Just because you got a divorce, you might feel sorry for her because she has no dad right? STOP! You are her mother and she is a ten year old child and you are the authority figure! Not her! Don't let her walk all over you! Kids are constantly trying to figure out what they can get away with, and how far the can push the boundaries.. so lay down the line!! be serious! You wouldn't have this problem if you did this already. Punish her by taking away privileges and possessions one by one as she keeps doing what you don't want. she has to learn. if she says she hates you or cries alot, she'll get over it.

Answer 5

Think about what is really important to her and take that away for a while when she misbehaves. If that doesn't work, find a different important thing. You just have to keep trying until you find the thing that works. Make clear rules and stick to them, don't give in when you're tired or feeling bad. It's hard....I know, I had to do this myself. Get your family to back you up and not go behind you and let her get by with the same stuff with them. Also, when she's done something well or is just behaving in a way you want her to, let her know that she's being good and that you're proud of her. She needs to know the negative consequences of her negative actions, but she should also know the approval that comes from her good behavior.

Answer 6

It sounds to me like she's not realizing any of the negative consequences of her behavior. I know it's not PC anymore, but spankings always kept me in line. If that's not something you're up for, you'll have to find out what things she likes to do, and how to take them away from her, until she learns consequences. Does she have a TV or computer in her room? Lock them, or remove them, as a consequence of bad behavior. Be sure to return them, and notice GOOD behavior, should that arise. If she has a cell phone, and calls friends on it, that can also be locked, removed, or replaced with something child-safe like an amigo or a firefly. Also, public opinion helps QUITE a lot. "I'm sorry, kids, buy Jenny can't go play with you today, she broke a lamp/swore at mom/doesn't know how to brush her teeth, and she's being punished." Don't forget, this may also be cries for attention, and it'll be good to give her attention when she's NOT acting up, too.

Answer 7

Not a pysch, but it sounds like your daughter is blaming your for the divorce - was it recent? She likes her parental grandparents, but her father won't do anything with -- that is rejection by the most important man in her life (at this time.) He sounds like a self-centered jerk.

I think she need some serious counselling so she can articulate her feelings to a neutral 3rd party. This is not an uncommon response for children in divorces. They don't understand all the facts and issues behind a separation or divorce, but they are in the middle of it, and sometimes want to blame someone.

I am sorry that she treats you badly - that is inexcusable, but you need to help her get help, support her in the counselling (the therapist should help you develop a strategy to deal with this.)

Then pick and choose which battles are important to win, and which can be let go. (Picking up after herself is low on the priority list.)

She needs love, security and self-confidence, and someone she can develop trust with in order to open up with her feelings.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Wow it sounds like you got a hand full and raising a spoiled brat.What I would do one day is nothing.Let her dress herself let her do everything that you do for her .Don't comb her hair Then take her to school like that .I am sure her little friends would make fun of her. See you do everything for her so why should she change,let her do for her self.Give her responsibility...And tell her from now that she is on her own. Do not buy her any thing let her earn it.If you don't act now in a couple of yrs,she will be slapping you around.

Answer 9

My daughter would scream at me, curse at me, and just totally be horrible to be around. This behavior at first was only at home... but then she began to exhibit this behavior at school. The last straw being when she shoved the principal's computer off his desk. She was then put into a special school for ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder), that was about 2 years ago. Today, she is a different person... caring, loving, and never screams at me or curses at me. You might want to check this out to see if the characteristics fit your daughter's behavior. If they do, you might check with your local mental health care facilities to see if there are any programs available to help you both. Most of the sites about ODD say that if nothing is done, they do not grow out of it but develop Conduct Disorders and end up in trouble with the police.

http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis1/p21-ch05.html

If you have any questions or just need to vent... you can always email me or im me. It's a hard behavior disorder to deal with....

Answer 10

You need to stop giving her everything she wants and start making her work for what she wants. Spoiling her is only hurting her. You have to change if you want her to change.
Her hygiene is another issue I have an 11 year old daughter and have to remind her constantly about deodorant and Washing and brushing hair... We have opted for sending her to take some Etiquette classes to see is they can help her. Good Luck and be persistent in the discipline...