Can you tell me a long joke?????

Question

Please make it funny.

Answer 1

I can tell you a long joke but will I?

Long jokes are usually not funny except to the person telling the joke. What makes long jokes funny to the person telling the joke is that the other person or people sat there for all that time just to hear a "punny" punchline. A great example of a long joke funny only to the teller is the famous "Foo Bird" joke. (Some spell that Phoo.) In the hands of a master, the "Foo Bird" joke can take 25 minutes to tell. And nothing is better in this world than to see the look on people's faces after sitting for 25 minutes only to hear the punchline "....and it just goes to show - if the Foo shits, wear it!"

I'll take pity on you and tell you a shorter long joke. Please realize that this joke is meant to be told verbally and not written down. If you don't get the punchline, say it out loud.

In the future, a space ship of explorationists land on a planet inhabited by intelligent vegetable life. These vegetables have a feudal form of government and their king is named King Artichoke Heart. The xenobiologist (a biologist who studies alien life forms) from the space ship and the king become good friends. The king invites the xenobiologist to a party at the castle. During the party the king and the xenobiologist are talking and the king says "Hey, see that little petunia across the dance floor? Boy, I would love to cross-pollinate with her. Tell me, in your culture, how do you go about meeting someone of the opposite sex for the first time.?"

The xenobiologist replies "One way is to get a common friend to introduce you. That usually avoids ackwardness."

The king says "Great! Brilliant! I have a friend who knows someone who knows the petunia. I'll try it."

At this point the xenobiologist looks at his watch and says "It's time for me to go. We are going to fly to the other side of your planet tomorrow and do some more studies and surveys. I have to be up early. I'll see you when we get back."

The king says "Fine. Send me a message when you get back and I'll have you over for dinner."

Two weeks later, the xenobiologist sends the king a message saying that he has returned. The king invites the xenobiologist up to the castly for dinner that evening. They have a great dinner and afterward they go to the king's study for brandy and cigars. They spend a couple hours in conversation and then the xenobiologist says "Tell me what happened with the petunia. Did you meet her?"

The king looks at the xenobiologist with a sad look on his face. "It's a sad story I have to tell you. I followed your advice and got a friend to introduce me to the petunia. We really were attracted to each other in a big way and ended up in bed the very first night. Boy did that petunia know how to cross-pollinate. We didn't leave that bed for two days. I was so happy with her I immediately made her my wife. And that's when everything started to go wrong. It turns out that the only thing this petunia knew how to do was cross-pollinate. Everytime she opened her mouth to say something she just came across as being ignorant. People started to laugh at her. When you laugh at the king's wife, you laugh at the king. I started to lose respect and it became harder to rule my kingdom. Ridicule was rampant through out my kingdom. So I brought in teachers, scientists, philosophers, mathmaticians, seamstresses, artists. I tried everything. I figured if she could just learn one thing - just one subject - then when someone made fun of her, I could just call her over and have her do the one other thing she was good at and everyone would have to stop laughing at her. Alas, it didn't work out. She was unable to learn anything. I was on the verge of being losing my kingdom."

The xenobiologist asked "Why didn't you divorce her?"

The king replied "What's divorce? We don't have anything like that on this planet. Marriage is supposed to be "until death do you part". I did the only thing I could do to save my kingdom. I had her killed. She buried in the courtyard garden. The petunia is pushing up the daisies."

The xenobiologist nodded his head and said "Of course. You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think!"

Credit for this horrible joke goes to Spider Robinson, a famous science fiction writer who adapted it from a joke told by famous American humorist, Will Rodgers.

Answer 2

You asked for it...

A guy walks into a bar, and after he sits and orders a drink, he notices a flyer on the wall that says, "Win $10,000. Ask bartender for details." So he does. The bartender tells him how to win, he must complete three challenges. The first challenge is to drink a shot of fermented wine that's been sitting in the bar for years and years. Well this doesn't sound that bad to the man, so he asks about the next challenge. The bartender says it is to pull out a bad tooth from an alligator's mouth. The alligator is being kept in the back room of the bar. The man decides that's too crazy to attempt, but out of curiousity, he asks about the last challenge. The last thing he must do to win the money is to give the prostitute upstairs, who has never had an orgasm, an orgasm. Well the man figures he's not going to mess with the alligator so he gives up on the idea of winning the prize.
After a while of sitting there drinking, though, the man decides he can do anything, and he can make an easy $10,000 in the contest. "Bartender," he calls, "bring me that bad wine!" He slams back a shot no problem, and then the bartender leads the man into the back room where the alligator is. All the patrons of the bar hear banging and thrashing coming from the back room for a long time.
When the man finally emerges from the room, he asks the bartender,
"Okay, I did it, now where's that prostitute with the bad tooth?"

Answer 3

Please fill out the following Mormon Census Form:

1. _____________________ (Given name)
2. _____________________ (Surname)

3. Descendant of:
A. Adam and Eve _____
B. Cain and Abel _____
C. Laman and Lemuel _____
D. Laurel and Hardy _____

4. Tribe: _____________________

5. Number of occupants in home:
(Categories listed in chronological order)
A. Nursery _____
B. Junior Primary _____
C. Senior Primary _____
D. Young Women’s _____
E. Young Men’s _____
F. Relief Society _____
G. Elder _____
H. Dearly Departed _____
I. High Priest _____

6. Occupation:
A. Amway dealer _____
B. Shaklee dealer _____
C. Nonie juice dealer _____
D. NuSkin dealer _____
E. Melaleuca dealer _____

7. Automobile:
A. Station Wagon _____
B. Van _____
C. Suburban _____
D. School Bus _____
E. Double Decker _____

8. Favorite place to eat the night before Fast Sunday:
A. Chuck-A-Rama _____
B. Hometown Buffet _____
C. Sumo Sam’s All You Can Eat Feeding Trough _____

9. Favorite Hero:
A. Nephi _____
B. Abinadi _____
C. Samuel the Lamanite _____
D. Steve Young _____
E. Johnny Lingo _____

10. Which of the following do you bring to church:
A. Scriptures _____
B. Daytimer _____
C. Pen/Pencil _____
D. Lifesavers _____
E. Tic Tacs _____
F. Game Boy _____
G. Big Gulp _____
H. Cooler _____
I. Sony Walkman _____
J. TV Watch _____
K. All of the above _____

11. Do you prepare your lessons:
A. A month in advance _____
B. A week in advance _____
C. While in the bathtub _____
D. While on the toilet _____
E. During Sacrament Meeting _____
F. During the closing prayer of Sacrament Meeting _____
G. During the opening prayer of the class you’re teaching _____
H. Just wing it _____

12. Do you think pews should be permanently equipped with Big Gulp holders:
yes___ no ___

13. How many years has your family sat in the same place for Sacrament Meeting:
A. 10-20 years _____
B. 20-30 years _____
C. 30-40 years _____
D. Over 3 generations _____

14. How much time does it take for you to fall asleep during a high council talk:
A. 1/100,000,000th of a second _____
B. 1/99,999,999th of a second _____
C. 1/99,999,998th of a second _____

15. Which day of the month do you go home/visiting teaching:
A. 31st ______
B. 31st ______
C. 31st ______
D. 31st ______

16. How many church basketball fights were you in last year:
A. 1-10 _____
B. 10-20 _____
C. 20-30 _____
D. You’ll have to ask my lawyer _____

17. Which of the following has been your most effective Family Home Evening:
A. Arguing about getting along _____
B. Having an opening and closing prayer with dinner _____
C. Gathering around the television to watch, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" _____

18. How many times a year do you make:
A. Jello salad _____
B. Funeral potatoes _____
C. Cabbage and Top Ramen salad _____
D. Turkey, cashews and grape-stuffed croissants _____

19. How many water-filled two-liter bottles do you own:
A. 1-2 thousand _____
B. 2-3 thousand _____
C. 3-4 thousand _____
D. Enough to fill the Great Salt Lake _____

20. Which of the following do you feel is the most secure facility in the nation:
A. Alcatraz _____
B. Fort Knox _____
C. Ward Libraries _____

21. How many aerodynamic, mechanical and structural engineers do you hire annually to insure you’ll win the pinewood derby: _________

22. Keeping the Word of Wisdom in mind, how much of the following do you consume:
A. Chocolate:_____ pounds daily X 365 days annually = ____
B. Cola: _____ gallons daily X 365 days annually = ____

23. If you had to choose between witnessing the Second Coming or attending a BYU/UofU football game, which would you choose?
A. Second Coming _____
B. Football game _____

Answer 4

I don't know how funny this is, but my 9-year-old cousin tells it a lot. And it sure is long.
There were three men, all from a foreign country. They came to America not knowing how to speak English. The only English they knew was "Yes, we did". So they decided to pick up phrases as they went along. One day, the three friends decided to start work in a resturaunt. As they were working they heard a waiter say "Forks and knives." And then they watched a television commercial for a Glade Air Freshener singing the jingle "Plug it in." And it just so happened that a man was murdered in that very resturaunt, so the police were there. A detective came up to the foreign men and asked them, "Did you kill this man?" They replied, "Yes we did, yes we did!". Then the detective asked them, "What did you use to kill him?" The men said "Forks and knives, forks and knives." The detective said, you know we'll have to give you the electric chair, dont you?" And the friends replied evenly, "Plug it in, plug it in!"

Answer 5

Polish guy finds a magic genie in a bottle who offers him three wishes. He thinks about it and says, "I want the Mongol hordes to invade Poland."

"No, wait," the genie says, "you don't understand-- these aren't punishments you have to choose. These are wishes. Nice things! Choose whatever you want!"

"Yeah, I understand. I want the Mongol hordes to invade Poland."

The genie is shocked, but he figures, 'Well, he'll waste another wish reversing that when he sees how bad it really is, but at least he'll still have one more good wish.' So the genie gets to work.

The Mongol hordes came riding across the plains from the East, pillaging and destroying. They invade Poland, rape the cattle, slaughter the women (these were, after all, Polish girls and Polish cattle we're talking about here!), and generally make themselves unwelcome. Then they rode off to the East again, causing death and devastation everywhere they went.

'Boy, that's a dirty job!' the genie said to himself. 'I'm glad that's over with.' "What is your second wish...?"

"I want the Mongol hordes to invade Poland again."

"But--! It's your homeland! How can you do this? Have you no pity???"

"Who's the boss around here, me or you?"

"...you are, sir."

"So get to it!"

"yes, sir."

So the Mongol hordes came riding in from the East again, pillaging and destroying. They burned the crops and looted the cities, until people were really tired of them, and then they rode off to the East again, causing death and devastation everywhere they went.

"For my third wish--"

"Let me guess-- you want the Mongol hordes to invade Poland again, right?"

"Right! Hey, you're getting smarter!"

Biting back the obvious comments, the genie turned to his task; knowing that this was the third and final wish, and that the dumb Polock would not be able to get him to take it back or cancel the earlier wishes.

So the Mongol hordes came riding in from the East for the third and final time. When the people saw them coming, they said "Oh no, not again!" and Poland was turned into a parking lot. Then the Mongol hordes rode off into the East for the third and final time, causing death and devastation everywhere they went.

"Well thanks.'" said the Pole. "Be seeing you."

"Hey, wait a minute!" the genie protested. "Youre forgettng the punchline!"

"Punchline, what punchline...? asked the Pole, genuinely puzzled.

"WHY DID YOU HAVE THE MONGOL HORDES INVADE POLAND THREE TIMES?"

"Oh, THAT! Well, you see," he explained, "they had to cross Russia SIX times!"

Answer 6

A guy goes into a bar, and sees a sign behind the bar that says "One Hundred Thousand Dollar Challenge - See Bartender for details"
So he asks the bartender, "is this for real?"
Bartender says "Yep. A hundred grand. In cash. All you gotta do is successfully do three challenges. You up for it?"
Guy says "Heck yeah! What are the challenges?"
Bartender says "First, see that 350 pound biker at the end of the bar?"
Guy looks, and gulps. "He's huuuuge!"
Bartender says "First challenge is you gotta knock that big burly biker off his barstool!"
Guy sweats. "Are you nuts? He'd kill me! But... for $100,000... Okay. What is the second challenge?"
Bartender says "See that back door? It leads to the alligator pit. There is only one alligator in there, but it has a loose tooth and can't eat, and is severely angry."
Guy says "I'll bet it is... and hungry too!"
Bartender says "Yep. Plenty angry and hungry. You gotta go out there and pull that alligator's loose tooth."
Guy starts thinking "This is going to be trickier than I thought. What is the third challenge?"
Bartender says "See those stairs? Up those stairs is my 90 year old mother's bedroom. She has not been satisfied sexually in over 40 years. You have to go in there and satisfy my 90 year old mother."
Guy says "Ewwww... okay. I'm going to need... 5 shots of whiskey to make this work."
Bartender lines up five shots and fills them. The guy drinks all five in a row, without stopping for a breath between any of them. After the fifth one, he slams down his shotglass, and runs full speed at the biker. Blammo! He knocks him right off the barstool! Before the biker can get up and kill him, the guy is out the back door to the alligator pit. Everyone in the bar winced, as they could hear growling, screaming, jaws snapping shut, more screaming...
Finally after about fifteen minutes of this, the door popped open, the guy ran in and slammed the door shut behind him and leaned against it. His clothes were shredded, he was bloody and bruised, his glasses were crooked and his pants were down around his ankles. He shouted "Where's that old lady with the loose tooth?" That is probably the longest joke that I can think of off of the top of my head, that I have the strength to type without typing a novel! Enjoy!

Answer 7

A man walks into a pub with a dog trailing behind him. He sits on a stool at the bar and the dog jumps on a stool next to him. The man says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer, please." The bartender looks at the man, then to the dog, and back to the man and says, "Okay, look, buddy, I can serve you. But that dog of yours has got to go. No dogs allowed in this establishment!" The man says, "No, no! You don't understand. You see, my dog is very special. He can talk!" The bartender looks sceptical, "What do you mean, he can talk?" "I'm serious," says the man, "Go ahead, ask him a question and he'll answer you." The bartender, still not believing a word of this, decides to humor the guy, so he asks, "Okay, dog...what do you want to drink?" The dog's mouth opens and a voice comes out: "I'd like a beer, please." The guy says, "See? Didn't I tell you? Isn't he great?" The bartender says, "Look, pal, I admit that you're a great ventriloquist making your dog talk like that. But I'm not buying it...get that dog out of here before I call the police!" The guy is unfazed. "You know," he says, "I thought you'd say something like that. So I'll prove it to you. I'll go into the washroom. When I do, ask my dog one more time what he wants to drink. If he answers you, you'll know that it's really him talking and not me, okay?" The bartender says, "Yeah, yeah...okay, sure...whatever," and the guy goes into the washroom. The bartender looks around the room to see if anyone is watching him and, feeling like a complete idiot, asks the dog in a quiet voice what he wants to drink. The dog says loudly, "Look, buddy! I already told you, I want a beer!" The bartender is amazed. "Oh, my God! It's true! You really can talk!" Then the bartender says to the dog, "The beer is on the house if you do me a little favor." The dog says, "What's the favor?" The bartender reaches into his pocket and takes out his wallet. He reaches in, takes out a ten dollar bill and slaps it on the bar in front of the dog. "You take this ten bucks and go down to Pete's Pub down the street. Give Pete the money, order a beer, take a sip of it, spit it out in his face and tell him that his beer tastes like toilet water and that mine is a hundred times better than his. Can you do that?" So the dog drinks his free beer, takes the money in his mouth and runs out of the door. The guy comes back in from the washroom. The bartender sees him and says, "Wow, dude! That dog of yours is absolutely amazing! I've never seen anything like that before in my life!" The guy says, "I know, isn't he amazing?" Then, looking around, he asks, "Hey, where is my dog?" The bartender says, "Oh, I gave him ten bucks and sent him off down the street." The guy becomes livid. "You did what? How could you do that? You idiot! My dog has never been outside my himself before!" The guy runs outside and immediately sees his dog screwing a female dog. The guy pries them apart and screams at the dog. "What are you doing? Are you crazy? I've never seen you do this before!" The dog looks the guy square in the eyes and says, "Well, I've never had ten bucks before."

Answer 8

The Frog Won't Be Your Beast of Burden

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''

The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''

''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''

''Yeah, he's my dad.''

''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''

The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''

The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''

''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''

The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

After the Honeymoon...

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!''

Keeping In Under The Kilt

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.

A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.

Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

;Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

Answer 9

A man takes his son to the grocery store. The son sees a very large women and says "Daddy look at the fat women! Daddy look at the fat women!" and the man says "son it is not polite to call anyone fat. A few moments later the son sees the very large women again and says "Daddy! Daddy! Look at that fat women!" And the man says again "Now son I told you not to call people fat. It's very rude a mean." Several moments later the man and his son go to the check out and are standing behind the very large women and the womens pager went off and the son yells very loudly "Daddy look out she is backing up!!"

Answer 10

blind man walks into a restaurant and asks for a waiter
the waiter comes to him and hands him a menu
the blind man says "im blind i don't need a menu just bring me a plate or some silverware from the dirty dishes"


the waiter confused brings him a fork with some cheese on it

the blind man smells the fork and says "ah yes macaroni and cheese that sounds good"

amazed the waiter brings the order to his wife sue and tells her the story of the blind man
the blind man happily eats his food and leaves.

after a couple days the blind man comes back and again the same waiter waits for him and brings him a menu

again the blind man says don't you remember me im the blind man...

the waiter says oh right you I'll get your fork..

the waiter retrieves the fork and gives it to the blind man

"ah yes steak and broccoli that sounds Delicious"

the blind man eats and go's on his way

the next time the blind man comes in the waiter is ready and spies the blind man gos to his wife and says quick sue rub this on your panties. she does so


the waiter go's over to the blind man and says "this time i remember you here is your fork"

the blind man smells the fork and says "huh i didn't know sue worked here".

=D