Is this wrong?

Question

I am going to totally ignore my mother. I am 24 years old and dont live at home, so it isnt rude since I dont live with her. But, here latley she treats me awful and says the most horrible things to me. She tells me everyday that I see her that she cant stand me and wishes I would totally get out of her life. So that is exactly what I am doing. I am so tired, and it gets me so depressed all the things she says. It hurts, I would love to have a mom to shop with go to lunch with and all that girlie stuff. But all I can do is ignore her, and when I have a baby change the pattern. Any suggestion or books to read anything that might bring inspiration to this very horrible situtation?

This has been going on my whole life, hardly any of my friends would want to come over when i was younger. It has always felt like I was the slave have to clean, cook, take care of kids she adopted, yes she did have me young at 18. I never say anything mean to her I love her, very much and want a mom, but I cant handle her. I have tried to ending my life in November because of somethigs that went on, I just couldnt take things anymore. It is getting that away again....So I find to live I have to cut totally away from her. Yes my dad is in the picture and he thinks I should just leave her alone. I dont want him in the middle though cause it is his wife. I dont want to end thier marriage or anything. And he tries to make up for her behavior, but nothing can take the hurt away, when your mom says I hope you die! If you want to know more I will share messeger is mandy_42003

Answer 1

I think you are doing the right thing. I'm sorry your mom is not more caring...but you are recognizing that she is the one with the problem....and that is so good, because she definitely is...and most importantly, you know you want to break the pattern. I think you will find your own inspiration in your new life..your successes, your failures, your friends, new people you meet..they will all be yours, and you won't have someone around to make you feel bad about them. So, look yourself in the mirror, and tell yourself proudly that it's your life, and you are going to live it without guilt, or shame, and you are going to be happy....misery can find someone else to have company with..because its not you. Congratulations!

Answer 2

I know where your coming from. I had asked almost the same question myself here on yahoo. Only mine was "Does anybody else have a mean mother". It came to the point where it had to stop. My mother loved seeing me down and depressed. She would call me and I would be fine, by the end of the conversation I was crying. I'm 56 y/o and all my life I've tried to please my mother. Never a kind word or anything. Your only 24 y/o, don't
let your mother destroy your life. I always wanted to have a mother daughter relationship,
however I don't know what is like. I have a hard time relating to women. I can talk much better with a man. My dad died when I was 18, he was the only one in the family that would have anything to do with me. I've always felt like the blacksheep of the family.
If you don't set some boundarys it will never stop. Your children will pick this up also. I have 3 children with the same attitude as my mother.
I felt like I was wrong, because we are to love and honor our parents. How can you love and honor someone when they never have a kind word for you. The advice I received back from yahoo did not help.
I've not spoken to my mother in over a month. I miss my mom, but I won't take anymore of the hurts. My mother is getting very old and sickly, however she has other children besides me to take care of her.
Stop the abuse, or later in life you will hate yourself. Good Luck! The spelling checker is not working, so I hope I've not made to many spelling mistakes.

Answer 3

Dear girl, I feel for you. It's hard to understand how family can sometimes be so cruel to each other. I won't pass judgment on your mom because I don't know if you did something to piss her off that badly or if she's just going through some really bad times right now. Any time a parent tells their child they hate them or don't want them around it of course is going to be devastating. What it sounds like to me is that you need to both seek some family counseling, unless you think you could sit with her and get her to open up about why she is so full of disgust and hate. Are there any underlying problems you're not telling us? Are there drugs or alcohol in the equation? Is she Bi Polar? Are you? Can you have a civil conversation with her without the yelling and name calling? First you must learn to aim your anger at what she's doing and saying...not at her. There has to be SOME reason she's acting this way, and it may not be her fault. She may have no control over it. Did she find out she is terminally ill or very sick recently and she's venting her fears though anger toward you? There are so many possibilities and without knowing the underlying reasons it's hard to help. A good book? Try the bible if you're religious...there's a whole lot of inspiration and comfort there. Again...the best solution is some serious counseling.

Answer 4

You know, I have the same problem (but not quite to your extreme). I have a friend who has the same problem and it is that extreme.

This whole thing about respecting the mother (or parents) is nonsense. I mean, you cut them a little (or a lot) more slack than you ever would anyone else, but at some point enough is enough. Mine loves to try to pry into and run the details of my life. So, if I tell her about something that's going on and don't do what she's busy telling me to do (which I usually wouldn't anyways)... I'm the stupidest person that ever lived. If I don't tell her, I'm an ungrateful son. We've finally settled into an uneasy truce where there's a narrow range of things we can talk about. If we get out of that area... I just tell her we aren't gonna to talk about whatever... and she knows damned well why.

I think the bottom line is that if the definition of having a mother is being miserable all the time, you're just as well off without.

Answer 5

Why does she say these things to you? Do you know what the root cause of her anger is? She should NEVER say such things to you because she is YOUR MOTHER. But it doesnt change the fact that she is.

If it's not menopause that she is experiencing, (my mother was beyond hateful to me when I was 26 and she was going through the change) then think back to what made her angry. Misunderstanding? Some other event?

Regardless, this is a relationship you do not want destroyed. If you are unable to sit down and speak with her about why she feels the way she does...remember this:

How you feel about yourself comes first, and if this isn't resolved, don't label yourself the horrible daughter. You sometimes cannot change someone's mindset. However, you can rise above it and remember what you have accomplished in life. I really hope she comes around for you honey, but you have to TALK to her. You won't feel like you have done everything you can if not and regret it later.

Answer 6

None of us has the perfect parents, but yours sounds especially difficult. I too get jealous when I see my friends with their moms and they are so close. I would take a few weeks break from her. If she calls you, talk to her pleasantly but don't go out of your way to talk to her. She may realize she has been mentally abusing you and will be grateful when you reappear in her life. My mother was treating me badly for a while and I stopped calling and visiting and now she is much better. I don't really know any books on the subject, but I'm sure there are some. She may be going through something you are not aware of, menopause perhaps, and most likely does not mean the hateful things she says to you. I noticed that if I can keep my cool and just continue to be pleasant when she is not, it really works to diffuse her. Just kill her with kindness and she won't know which way to turn. She is older and set in her ways, so you must learn to either accept her as she is , or build a life without her. Hopefully if you keep your distance for a while, she will come around.

Answer 7

Is this a new behavior on her part? or has she always treated you this way? I would stay away from her also. It sounds like you love your mom but you don't need that mental abuse. Is your dad in the picture? If this is new behavior on her part I would suggest she go see a doctor. Do you have other siblings? If so are they being treated the same way? Lots of questions here.. more then a real answer for you. But you take care of yourself. Get on with your life and do things that make you happy. Don't worry about her right now. Good luck =)

Answer 8

congrats 4 realizing that u don't have 2 take negative people's crap anymore. That is no way 4 someone 2 be treated, especially by their mom. Be the better person and be nice 2 her, but ya don't have 2 be all buddies w/ her. Know what I mean? My mom's been staying away from her family cuz they've been really rude to her. They were not welcoming at all and acted like they didn't even want her around anymore. Your mom is not respecting you at all. Spend time w/ friends and do things you love. I hope everything goes well 4 ya and good luck:)

Answer 9

You're doing the right thing. Until your mother treats you with alittle respect- she can do without your company. If she doesn't like being ignored- then tell her WHY you're not visiting with her (or calling her- or returning her calls, etc.), and that you're NOT GOING to see her- until SHE acts appropriately. If THAT doesn't work- you're not missing anything by no longer communicating with her. As for help with other issues- the bookstores are FULL of self-help books, I'm sure something will catch your attention. You might also want to talk with a trusted friend, relative or minister about your situation. This is a hard thing to have to deal with- alone. Hang in there- & good luck! :)

Answer 10

I can't understand why a mom would do their own daughter like that. There really has to be more to this story than is being told. Like the saying goes "there are always two sides to every story".

Since I don't know the whole story here, I am not going to say who is at fault here in this case.

But for the time being, I think I would kind of like just disappear for a while, stay out of the picture so to speak and see what happens.

Answer 11

I don't know about any book that would help, but you need to get away. This is a toxic relationship for you, and since she told you to go, there's no reason for you to stay or feel guilty about going.

Living well is the best revenge, so go have yourself a great life without ToxicMom. You can't lose your mental health or happiness over someone elses issues, even a parents. If you join a church or other group, you'll have plenty of older ladies as surrogate moms.