(More) Trouble with the in-laws?

Question

My father in law is having an angiogram done a week from today to find out if he needs to have open heart surgery. He lives in South Dakota my husband and I live in Tennessee. My husband is on what is called a partial layoff at work which means his hours have been cut back periodically due to slow production and we are stretching every penny we can to make ends meet as it is. My husbands employer has a program set up where if there is a family emergency he will get paid for his time to go to South Dakota to be with his dad, but he will have to have his dad's doctor fill out a form verifying that he does in fact need to be there. I told my husband if it was serious by all means get on a plane and go, but with our financial mess I want him to help me figure bills out and make sure we're going to be ok before he leaves. His plane ticket will be more than what his weeks pay has been being. His sister found out and called me and told me I was a selfish *****. Am I wrong??

They don't even know if his dad needs the surgery yet and his other sister says there's a good chance he won't. I don't think I'm being unreasonable by wanting to sit down and figure out our finances before he hops on a plane without knowing for sure if he needs to be there.

I'm not trying to block him from going I want him to go if there's any way possible but he cannot risk his job to go without good reason. We have children to think about.

My husband called her because he was upset with me because I told him he needed to know for a fact what was going on before he took off anywhere. I have health problems of my own and I can't deal with stress or I break out in hives and my stomach digests itself causing me to pass blood and be in a lot of pain. I'm not trying to make it a me-me-me situation but there are other people to consider here.

Answer 1

HIS SISTER FOUND OUT BECAUSE HE TOLD HER. HE SEEMS TO BE CLOSE WITH HIS FAMILY. HE HAS NO BOUNDARIES THOUGH, WHAT YOU GO THROUGH SHOULD BE DISCUSSED BETWEEN JUST YOU TWO. KNOWING FULL WELL, HIS FAMILY WILL SIDE WITH HIM, NO MATTER WHAT ISSUE IS IN FRONT OF THEM THAT CONCERNS THE BOTH OF YOU. I AM NOT TAKING SIDES, THIS STEM HAS ROOTS! YES, IT WAS VERY COLD AND UNCARING TO EVEN SUGGEST THAT AT SUCH A TIME. NOW WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER, SINCE IT IS COMING MORE CLEAR AS TO WHAT IS GOING ON MEDICALLY. YOU HAVE A LOT TO WORK OUT, THIS IS NOT THE ISSUE AND I AM SURE YOU ARE WELL AWARE. TAKE CARE, KEEP IN TOUCH.

Answer 2

It sounds like your husband's family is not on the same page as you. Hun I completely and TOTALLY sympathize, but my husband is OVERWORKED, he works close to 70 hours a week and gets a BASE pay (meaning no matter how many hours he works a week he's paid the same) and he has no way to spend any time with me. I know what its like to be frustrated with the amount of money that's coming in. His father has medical problems as well and OUR problem is that there's no way his boss will let him take the time off....

You're trying to make ends meet. I am doing the same. Obviously your sister-in-law is not in the financial predicament you are in. You're not thinking cruelly, you're thinking practically. You did NOT forbid your husband from going, you only said he should go if he's sure the surgery will take place, and to gauge it on importance.

My own father in law has had a pacemaker put in, had been hospitalized for diabetic comas, and now he's having his gallbladder removed. It seems like with age, one health problem leads to another, like dominoes. If my husband had taken the time to go down south to where they live every single time, we'd have lost our home.

It's important to show your concern. Send a get well card to the father figure - keep the sister in law out of it! She deserves no apology - and send flowers if the father is really doing poorly. Make sure your husband ambassadorizes to the family that he is ready to leave and go on the next plane possible if he gets word the surgery is serious and will take place. Otherwise, why would he go if there is no surgery happening?

It seems like the sister-in-law is so stressed that her father is ill that she's taking it out on you. Maybe she didn't like you to begin with and never had an opportunity to show it. Families are messed up like that. I'm sorry to say when you married your Prince Charming you married his entire family, and some are real frogs, know what I mean?

Answer 3

My best bet it to tell your husband to wait until the angiogram is done. Because this is an elective angiogram it means more then likely he will not be having emergency surgery (Bi-pass). An angiogram takes all of 30-40 minutes. Sometimes they can correct the problem right there with ballooning and stent placement. Called an angioplasty. I'd wait, if he needs surgery that's a lot more serious and he wont be able to go twice. Angiograms are low risk, open heart high risk... I worked in a cardiac cath lab for a couple years so if you have any questions please ask. Good luck.

Answer 4

No you are not wrong, and you are not selfish. When he married you all of his obligations to his family ended. His wife and children come before anybody. He does need to make sure you guys are taken care of. Don't feel bad, you've done nothing wrong, and the decisions that are made between you and your husband are none of anybodies business. Why is his sister calling you in the first place? Is your husband running his mouth? If he is he's not being a loyal husband, and I would definitely get marriage counseling if this is a problem he has.

Answer 5

People from South Dakota are either really cool or really mean. I would suggest that you ignore her and help your husband through this. I mean, not to sounds insensitive, but what can you do for a person when they are dead? Why put your family's well being behind mourning for someone? If your sister and law wants your husband up there ask her to go half on the ticket. Or you can drive and meet up in Chicago or something.

Answer 6

Forget what his sister says. Even though its his dad, his family (wife and kids) and home are his first obligation. He needs to take care of home first. You should be concerned about whats going to happen while your hubby is gone, after all finances are tight right now. How did his sister find out, I hope your husband stood up for you to her. Being "selfish" is concern for self, it sounds like to me, you are being anything but. Its great that you want to make sure everything is taken care of. No, you are not wrong, and your sister-in-law is the selfish b itch. Try to keep things civilized with his family, you don't have to explain anything to his sister or anyone else about what's going on in your household. She has no right to call your house with stupid drama. Don't talk to her until she can learn to respect you and your household. She's got nerves. Peace and good luck to you.

Answer 7

wait and see the result of the angiogram first. Then if he needs the surgery then you need to make the decision if your husband should go. It would also be a good idea to ask the dad if he would like the son there. It may cause more stress on him if he knows your money problems. Good luck.

Answer 8

I don't think you are wrong at all. Your priority is your immediate family. When finances are tight it stresses your entire life. It is not like your telling your husband he can't go, he just has to get things in order first. Your sister-in-law should mind her own business. But, if something happened to your father-in-law and your husband never got to see him, he might not forgive you. You don't want the price of an airline ticket to ruin your relationship. I hope everything turns out all right for your family.

Answer 9

From what is sounds like your husband and his sister are both very emotional and it is possible that they are in the worse case scenario state of mind, thinking that he could go at any time. They want to spend as much time as they can with him. But it is also understandable what you are saying because you are the clear headed person right now. I don't think you are in the wrong, but you may have to figure this one out on your own with out your husbands help.

Answer 10

How is your husband dealing with his sister calling you that? I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, but I can understand his sister's reaction. Sounds like she's panicing.

By all means, your husband should be with his father if the surgery is needed. Sounds like your husband should call his sister, explain that he WILL be there if the surgery is needed, but in the meantime she should calm down a bit and apologize to you!

Best of luck to you, your husband and his father!!!!