Wat should a child do if their parents argues allot and they are getting a divorce?

Answer 1

Children's Needs While Going Through a Divorce



A child's psychological needs are greatly increased during and after a divorce. They live in the middle of an economic and emotional roller coaster, experiencing guilt, fear and confusion. If parents are consciously focused on and sensitive to their child's needs during and after a divorce, they will do a better job of meeting them.

In Dr. Phil's book, Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family, he lists the most profound needs of children while going through a divorce -- a time when they may be on an emotional rollercoaster of guilt, fear and confusion. Your overall goal should be to meet all of these needs, in order to minimize the price your child has to pay for you and your ex being unable to sustain your relationship.

Following is a brief look at a child's needs. For more, go to chapter two in
Family First.


Acceptance
This will be a child's greatest need because their self-concept is very likely in a fragile and formative stage, especially if they are at a young age. They will try to gain approval because their sense of belonging to the family has been shattered. Children also tend to personalize things and blame themselves. If mom and dad are fighting and divorcing, they personalize it. They think, "If we didn't make so much noise. If we didn't need shoes..." They need acceptance. They need to know that they are important, that they are a priority. They will try to gain approval because their sense of belonging to the family has been shattered.




Assurance of Safety
Parents need to go beyond normal efforts to assure their children that although the family has fragmented, their protection is solid. The key is to maintain a normal pace, boundaries and routines. They need to know that their world is predictable and that it's not going to change on them.




Freedom from guilt or blame for the divorce
Children often shoulder the blame for the dissolution of a marriage. They personalize their part in the divorce because they know they misbehaved , and they feel that they're somehow being punished for it by the breakup of their parents. Be conscious of this and assure your children they're blameless.




Need for structure
With the loss of a family leader from the home, children will check and test for structure, so be sure to give it to them. They need structure more than any other time in their lives, because this is when things seem to be falling apart for them. Enforce discipline consistently and with the right currency for good behavior. They need to see that the world keeps spinning around, and they're still an integral part of what's going on.


Need for a stable parent who has the strength to conduct business
Whether or not you feel brave and strong, you have to appear to be the best for your children. They're worried about you and about your partner, especially if there's an apparent crisis. Do everything possible to assure them of your strength, and in doing so, you make it possible for them to relax. Show yourself to be a person of strength and resilience.



Need to let kids be kids
Children should not be given the job of healing your pain. Too often, children serve either as armor or as saviors for their parents in ciris. They don't need to be dealing with adult issues, and should not know too much about what's going on between you and your ex-spouse.

There are two primary rules to follow, especially during times of crisis and instability in your family.

1. Do not burden your children with situations they cannot control. Children should not bear such a responsibility. It will promote feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing them to question their own strengths and abilities.

2. Do not ask your children to deal with adult issues. Children are not equipped to understand adult problems. Their focus should be on navigating the various child development stages they go through.


From The Show
Custody Battles
Related Links
How to Settle a Dispute With the Ex in Your Life
Anatomy of a Divorce
Calling It Quits
Advice for Parents Who are Divorcing
Stop Fighting in Front of the Kids
Advice For Single Moms
When Staying Together for the Kids Isn't Best

Answer 2

First of all, I know you are sad, and maybe even scared. Remember you are not the reason they argue and are getting a divorce. They both love you and will never ever stop. If the arguments get out of hand and it scares you, call a friend or a family member that you trust. Don't try to stop the agreement. When things are calm, talk to your parents and tell them how you feel. Ask them to please not argue in front of you. I wish you the very best. I hope everything gets better. I am a mother of five children and was married for twenty years and then divorced. We didn't argue, but our divorce was hard on my children. They were very sad and confused. I had small children and teenagers at the time. It doesn't matter how old you are, it still hurts. Good luck and God Bless you.

Answer 3

Y ou have to learn to seperate yourself from the situation. It is not your fault that they argue. Sometimes adults have differences in their marriages and it leads to a divorce. Your parents are not only thinking about the best thing for them but you as well. Your parents will still love you the same ! It may be hard to understand right now but as you get older you will. Take Care

Answer 4

Focus on your education. Do the best you can for yourself. When they argue, try to remove yourself from the situation by going to a friend's or doing something constructive. They have problems, but remember that you are a separate person with your own boundaries. You can even be helpful by getting your chores done so it is one less thing for anyone to feel negative about. Be your own person, do your part, and remember that there are other people going through rough times too. God loves you.

Answer 5

Well don't do what my parents did to me and finalize it on your birthday and then blame there divorce on me and my younger brother. If I were you explain to the child that Mum and Dad just aren't getting along right now the and tha you don't hate each other your just not seeing eye to eye because when a child thinks the parents hate each other some of them feel obligated to hate one of them also.Explain to them that mum and dad won't be living together until things work out but mum and dad will still be talking and will see each other once in awhile and that they can still visit.....just don't slam it to them that's all make it light

Answer 6

Love them both no matter what. This stuff happens to a lot of ppl. Some do better than others. There's nothing you can do to change either of their minds because they have made it up. Like life goes, we all make up parts in our lives and try to live in the dreams we all plan and make for ourselves. If it really hurts, tell them, its not gonna change anything, but talking to them both might make them understand you better and how things might go later on in life. Also, seeing a counselor might help out as well. Just remember your not alone, there are a lot of children who go through this, because of their families disagreements.

Answer 7

There's nothing much a child can do, but show each parent that you love them equally and spend the same amount of time with each of them (but you don't have to stress yourself out doing so). I know that it's hard (trust me, I know) but its something that you have to live with and not hold against your parents because remember, this divorce is hard for them, too, no matter how arrogant and self-centered it may seem for them to do it.

Answer 8

Accept that its for the best. My parents went through it when I was just 19 yrs old, now 35 and understand that it just wasn't meant to be. By the way my relationship with my parents is better than ever.

Answer 9

a child should have to do nothing about a divorce, let your parents deal with, just stay strong, no matter what it's not your fault or yours to solve, tell the when they argues it bothers and hurt you alot

Answer 10

threaten to leave the house, tell them you will always hate them both. Behave poorly in areas that you are noticeably good. Be the total opposite of "excellent"- like school grades and other cognitive abilities. Maybe nightmares you begin "having" but don't overdo it so it becomes part of your nature. It's all an act to let them realize they are tearing the product of their love apart remind them of the good old times they were together.