This whole thing started when I basically got tired of having the same fight over and over, of looking at our relationship and seeing the same cycle of being accosted for sex, or dealing with weird moods, or having you not talk to me about whatever is bothering you. You know how much I talked about finding balance.
My concern was never you touching me, or anything like that. My concern was always the way you seemed to constantly obsess about the relationship: you obsessed about the relationship ending, or what was or wasn't happening in the relationship, or me getting calls from girls, or whether or not we loved each other, or whether we had sex too early, or whether anyone was cheating, whatever. When I started the relationship I told you that you were the best girlfriend I have ever had, because we could keep things fun and calm and not obsessive. Now it's obsessive, frantic, and not that fun. And the fact is, I don't sense any commitment to the relationship. All I see is a desire t
2006-07-28
05:41:59
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26 answers
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asked by
Anonymous
in
Family & Relationships
➔ Singles & Dating
....All I see is a desire to rub me all the time, which isn't love, and the desire to keep me at all costs, which isn't love, but fear of loss. I don't feel like much of a player in this at all. What kind of relationship is this when we can't actively work to resolve our differences?
This isn't me asking you to stop, at all. This is me saying we have a fundamental problem that can only be fixed by considering a break. It would be nice, really, if we could go along with this everyday, but all we do is fight, and it is really stressful. Neither you nor I need this. And I think you agree.
This is also not me saying I don't like you. I really wouldn't do any of this if I didn't like you so much. But the fact is, I don't have time or desire at the age of 26 to be the object of someone's obsession. I need more stability. I know it probably sounds lame to you, whatever, but moodiness and volatility aren't really the things I am looking for day in and day out right now from someone who spend
2006-07-28
05:43:01 ·
update #1
who spends every second away from work with me.
To preempt, this isn't really a fault thing. I just think we need sometime to not be on each other's faces all the time, to maybe miss each other. We really shouldn't break up, because I don't think I can handle that right now. But I think that if we could do without all the baggage that comes with basically being married (like we are), things would probably be a lot healthier.
This is really the last time we have to talk about this, but it is how I feel, so you should refer to this email if you have any questions.
So tonight, we go on a date. What do you want to do for the beginning of Stephanie birthday celebrations?
2006-07-28
05:44:20 ·
update #2
i'm 19[well 20 now]...and he's 26....and we've been together for a little over a year now...and i've spent the last 3 months living with him....
but i don't think i was in the right frame of mind to understand this email....so i FLEW off the handle and MOVED all my **** out of his apartment! and really wanted to break up with him..because i interpreted his email as: i think we should take a break...but not right now because it's not convenient for me...[AKA the people i may be interested aren't available yet]
I just want to knOW OTHER people's interpretations of this email
thanks : )
update: we are talking things out now...but yeah.
2006-07-28
05:47:43 ·
update #3
Well, so far you seem to be a jealous, possesive, buzzkill...
Basically he seems (to me) to be saying to you: "We're staring over...use the email as a reference guide as to what NOT to do, and we won't mention it again."
2006-07-28 05:45:45
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answer #1
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answered by a kinder, gentler me 7
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You don't really have a question in there (except the one about your birthday celebrations... happy birthday, by the way). I'm going to take a guess that you're asking what the e-mail means and just go ahead and answer that. I've read a very similar one before (sent by a friend to her now ex-boyfriend). What SHE was trying to say was that HE was being clingy and possessive and showing that he didn't trust her. He needed to spend every single possible second with her because he was scared to death she was going to leave him (basically, he was afraid that she would realize he wasn't good enough and that she could do better).
You can't FORCE someone to love you by watching them every second and never giving them a change to breathe. You can't MAKE a relationship happen by talking all the time about it. you can't force someone to love you by not trusting them.
It sounds like he's saying you're obsessive and controlling and frightened, and he's not having any fun because everything - even sex - seems to be about your needing reassurance.
Relax - if it's meant to be it will, and if it's not it never will be.
2006-07-28 12:52:41
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answer #2
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answered by Anonymous
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Some girls become way to obsessive, and thus, ruining a good thing....... Maybe if after you both "chill" for a while, and maybe get back together, realizing you both missed each other, then you will have the chance to change a little bit. I realize it isnt only you.... cuz it always takes two! Good luck, if you were truly meant to be, then you will get back together, the thing is, sounds like you both didnt have very much of a good communication going on between the two of you other than just fighting all the time, especially if he had to resort to writing an email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2006-07-28 12:50:24
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answer #3
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answered by Katz 6
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I'm sure that really had to hurt, but he does bring some valid points. Are you sure you are in love with him or are you obsessed with him? Take the time apart like he suggests. Show him that you can be reasonable and do exactly as he requests. Don't bring it up or discuss it. Continue to see each other and enjoy each other but also learn to be with yourself. You don't need to focus on him all the time. You can focus on yourself and do things that you like to do alone. If you're having these obsessive feelings and cannot talk to him about it maybe you should try writing things down in a journal or a good thing to do might be to write down your feelings that are not good to have and burn them as a way of releasing yourself from them. Good luck and I hope things work out for you two.
2006-07-28 12:53:04
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answer #4
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answered by Phaylynn 5
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wow, he wrote it very well. You need to step back and take a look at yourself in the mirror and you need to see what changes you have made in yourself since this relationship began.
What happened to make you all the sudden turn into the obsessive, destructive personality you became. Write the things down. Even the little things. Once you see your list you'll probley be surprised. But it will help you realize what happened to you.
You can't just have physical attraction in a relationship, it will never work. Some where he lost the ability to have fun with you, be calm with you. You have lost the comfort you need to make a relationship work. Once you have become uncomfortable, it's very hard to get back to comfortable.
When you finish your list, think hard about everything you have just learned about yourself. Hopefully it can help you focus on turning things around. Hopefully it will help you get him back, but.....if it doesn't........you at least know what you need to be aware of in another relationship.
Good Luck!
2006-07-28 12:45:27
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answer #5
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answered by rdhedhottie 5
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i think he is right...you two seem to be going through a really tough time...i dont know if a break is right, but maybe time away from each other is. a break as i know it is where you each have sex with others, and that doesn't seem right. spending time with friends for a while and asking advice should do the trick. try to tie the loose ends, find what made it fun calm and not obsessive, and yeah...that's about all i got.
2006-07-28 12:49:31
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answer #6
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answered by Billy C 3
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Theres things you should obsess about and theres things you shouldnt obsess about and a guy is one thing you shouldnt obsess about because the more you obsess the more hes going to leave...If you are fighting sit down and talk about it.or write it to each other and tell him whats bothering you through a paper then with fighting..and then when ur down talking about it...throw the paper away...acting like ur throwing the fight away..One of my friends ex-boyfriends counted the days the minutes the hours the seconds of how lond they were going out...Now that is not normal..i know u dont do that..but still obsessing isnt good for anyone...I hope this helps you.
2006-07-28 13:18:50
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answer #7
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answered by Lennie 1
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I honestly don't see what your question is, and feel it was wrong of you to post such a personal email of his feelings. All he is trying to tell you is to back off a bit, and just have fun. Don't be obsessed means your smothering him with everything he says and does. So if you asking what to do..........cool it , relax , date and have Fun, your not married and if you were you would probably be heading for a divorce right now. You have got to trust him on where he goes and who he talks to.auntk
2006-07-28 12:52:33
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answer #8
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answered by auntkarendjjb 6
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I think that he is showing an extreme amount of maturity in a difficult situation. If you truly have feelings for him, you will sit down with him and calmly discuss your relationship and the course that you want it to take. Just be calm, and put your feelings out there. if the relationship is meant to last, then the two of you will be able to work thru it and the relationship will be stronger because of it
2006-07-28 12:47:53
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answer #9
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answered by Anonymous
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He sounds very mature and he is right. No one wants to feel like property. The things that initally attracted him to you has changed. In a relationship you need to keep your own life still and do things that make you happy. Missing eachother is not a bad thing. It will make a relationship stronger. He is willing to work on it and doesnt want to break up. Sounds like a keeper to me.
2006-07-28 12:47:44
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answer #10
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answered by taz4x4512 4
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It sounds like you smother him and are no longer the girl you used to be when he met. You are so worried about him leaving you that you are constantly making things worse and he had no intentions of leaving you, but now you obsess over stuff and don't have a life outside of him and he feels smothered.
2006-07-28 12:48:47
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answer #11
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answered by Truth Hurts 6
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