Mother in law issues?

Question

How do you deal with a mother in law from hell? This woman is never satisfied and is constantly being critical of everything you do. Yet does it in an underhanded way. She maintains a relationship with my husbands ex which causes all kinds of headaches. She acts as though she is jealous of my husbands and my relationship. You would think that she would be happy for him but instead every time he says something good about me she acts distant or tells a story about how she did it better when she was younger with children living at home. My husband does see what is going on and has offered to put her in her place but I think she would see this as me drawing lines in the sand and the feud would continue. I have always been kind and thoughtful to her and have yet to call her on her nastiness. Do you think that kindness will eventually prevail or should I put this old bittie in her place?

Answer 1

"Putting her in her place" seems extreme, because she doesn't seem to understand her new place yet. Your kindness alone can't prevail, though; it doesn't address the issue.

If you choose to make your position visible, it might be a good idea to use humor. That goes down easier for all concerned. You can make yourself visible without being confrontational.

If direct confrontation becomes necessary, let your husband be the one to do it. He has already offered, so take him up on it if and when the time comes. He is the common denominator in the two relationships.

If the issue is that she is insecure with her changing role with her son, she needs help in understanding what her new role is. She needs to know where she fits in. This is for your husband to explain to her.

Continue being kind, but tweak your kindness so that it's effective.

Answer 2

Yikes! That sounds like my mother in law! Unfortunately no matter what you do you are going to be wrong. My husband is the youngest of ten children, had been married twice before me and already had three kids with his first wife, Plus I am 11 yrs younger than my husband. So of course I was and I quote " That young little hussey that only wanted to break her prescious baby boys heart and tear him away from his children." Whatever, at first I let it bother me, only because my husband respected his mother ot a point. But after all of the snide remarks about how I could never raise any children, or clean a house or keep a husband, I laid into her. Of course my husband tried to tell her to knock it off but it didn't work. All we did was fight because of her. Finally I told my husband I was handling it my own way, and when she went whining to him, ignore her. So I finally put my foot down told her how I felt and what a female dog she was being. She was horrible to my kids and step kids too boot. Finally when she tried to beat me up, I never spoke to her again, and my husband saw her for what she was. A broken down, lonely old women, who hated herself, had been married 5 times and had ten kids and the only one of them that would speak to her was my husband. She ruined her own life, and now she has to deal with it. No matter what you do it will cause heartache, just pick the best course for you. Because believe me if you don't do SOMETHING it will only get worse. Good Luck!!!!!

Answer 3

My mother-in-law is the devil. I made a cheap wreath that looked cool, but it was made from dollar store stuff and some vintage Christmas ornaments. My hubby told her about it, she told us to bring it to her house. She said it was "nice". The next day she had a bag of wreaths with expensive silk ribbon, feathered plastic birds and marzipan fruits. Like she totally took it to a dark place. I just said "feathered birds...creepy". Let a little air out of her sails whenever you can, but don't be obvious. Everything I make to take to their place for holidays is always good, but "would be better if..." I made pumpkin bread and she said it'd be better with a cream cheese frosting. I point blank told her (in a sweet, sing-song voice) then it'd be called pumpkin cake instead of pumpkin bread *big smile, wide eyes*. You just need to get your subtle digs in that will make her wonder if you're showing a backbone or innocently making a comment. Say whatever you say with a smile. Make the smile look a little unbalanced sometimes. My mother-in-law has been so perplexed by this that she's been rendered harmless.

Answer 4

Well I've been married for 12 years now and I just moved from Pennsylvania to Wyoming. One of the reasons I agreed to the move was because I knew I wouldn't have to see her again. Things are better now than they were in the beginning, but I still hate her. My husband didn't talk to her for a year after she called me a whore. I wouldn't have minded if she called me a *****, cause I am, but I'm not a whore. I am polite to her when I see her and that is it. I do not seek her out to speak to her, I communicate as little as possible with her and only in person. All you can do is be polite. If she is outright nasty to you in front of someone else, say something to her, but be polite. Don't say anything to her if there isn't a witness, because she will tell stories about you for the rest of her life. Don't give her ammunition. If she is nasty to you in front of your husband, he should immediately say something to her. good luck

Answer 5

First advice, be positive and educate yourself that you can make a difference. If you are not able to do that stop reading further.

Second step: Just try some things, which you feel may make your MIL happy. DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING....

Third step: Diplomacy ... Spread the word that YOU have the BEST MIL in this world. And make sure that you spread in a circle / network so that your MIL comes to know of that.

Fourth step: Slowly .. spread the word .. "I wish I had a mother like my MIL"

One may laugh at such suggestions but as it seems .. there is no harm or negative return from any of the them. I guess worth trying.

Answer 6

Like any other relationship, you have to stand up for yourself. It seems that the feud can't get much worse. That doesn't mean you have license to try to break her relationship with your hubby. I'd let the hubby make the point for you because it sounds like she trying to use her apron strings to steer his opinion of you. If she recognizes her tactics are getting the opposite results she might reconsider her ways.

More likely though, she is self destructive and won't get it until she nearly drives him out of her life. The best way to handle her is to try to set yourself in her place and see how you can meet her real needs. If that is out of your reach, you can only come back to feud status.

Answer 7

My husband has--for ten years now--begged me not to go off on his mother because "she wouldn't get it" and her complaints would just continue. It's his family so I *try* to let him figure out how to deal with 'em and he lets me lead the way on dealing with mine.

However, I say that sitting here and taking it for as long as I have is tantamount to abuse and I'm d***ed sick and tired of it. I get the feeling she's looking to see how far she can push me and, quite frankly, I figure if I finally go off on her full-steam then she'll back off. It's getting a little harder these days to bite my tongue.

Answer 8

Just remember the mother in law it is just words from her mouth. Your husband always comes home to you and that's all that should matter. She is just miserable and wants to make everyone else miserable. Company loves misery. Good Luck!!!!

Answer 9

her jealousy eats at her . . you should view this woman with tremendous sympathy, she is pathetic . . I know it's not easy, but don't go down to that level . . YOU and you alone determine the level of the interactions, don't play with her in the mud and the muck, she'll eventually get bored and see it's not working, and she'll be forced to deal with you on your own terms . . have patience

Answer 10

I see you have met my mother in law. I kill her with kindness. It really is the best way to get back at her. She nice to my face and talks behind my back like crazy. Oh well. She's the one that looks bad in the family. Everyone knows how she bad mouths me and everyone sees how nice I am to her. And it kills her.