if u wanna earn ten points give me the best clean joke that you have?

Question

i will give ten points to the best joke i hear

does anyone have blond jokes?
and does anyone have a funny tagalog joke in tagalog?

and whoever wins has to give me ten points bac!!!!!!!!

i am going to pick the winner now!

Answer 1

Two Trouble Makers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"



Satan vists the church
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."



Question and answer
Biblical Questions and Answers

Q. Who was the greatest financieer in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.


Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments; at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.




What's your religion?
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off




A very faithful woman
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"



What has caused it?
A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man' 'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'



Taxi driver in Heaven
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

Answer 2

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $18.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $18.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally... a smart blonde joke!

Answer 3

Dear Dog and/or Cat,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door..... Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and when they have young, you can sell the results.

Answer 4

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Answer 5

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are rowing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree pert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Answer 6

What did the slug say to the snails?

Big issue mate? Big Issue?



tip to yanks: The Big Issue is a newspaper sold by homeless people as means to EARN a living rather than beg for one. It is a worthwhile cause. Always give your big issue to another vendor when your finished and he can sell it again. They have to pay for those things.

tip to stupid people: A snails home is a shell, so a slug is a homelss snail. get it now?

Answer 7

Okay do you want to hear a really fast joke?



Now do you want to hear another one?

Answer 8

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

LMAO, that is classic!

Answer 9

You're cute and funny!!





THAT"S THE JOKE!!! ok, give me my ten!!!

Answer 10

i hope you like this one..

>Subject: Ganito magbigay ng masamang balita
>
>Ganito magbigay ng masamang balita
>SAPOL Ni Jarius Bondoc
>Ang Pilipino STAR Ngayon 11/25/2005
>
>KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw....
>
>"Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, 'yung katiwala niyo sa
>bahay-bakasyunan niyo."
>
>"O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano't napatawag ka? May problema ba?
>
>"Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay ang alaga
>niyong parrot."
>
>"'Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? 'Yung nanalo sa bird show?
>
>"Opo, Master Carlos, 'yun na nga po."
>
>"Putris ... sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko sa ibong 'yon.
Hay,
>buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?"
>
>"E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne...."
>
>"Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya
ng
>bulok na karne?"
>
>"W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo."
>
>"Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Mr Arnaldo?"
>
>"E, 'yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir. Namatay po kasi lahat
>sila sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig."
>
>"Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ng tubbbiiiiggggg?"
>
>"'Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog."
>
>"Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman 'yang pinagsasasabi mo?"
>
>"'Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo.... Tumumba po 'yung isang
>nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab 'yung kurtina at mabilis na
kumalat
>ang apoy...."
>
>"Ano? Puuut.... E, may kuryente naman diyan sa bahay-bakasyunan, a.
Para
>saan 'yung kandila?"
>
>"Para sa burol po."
>
>"Ano? Kaninong burol?
>
>"Sa nanay n'yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumating dito nu'ng isang
gabi,
>walang kaabi-abiso. Lampas hatinggabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw.
>Binaril ko."

--lonewolf