my step-son tells me he hates me?

Question

My step-son is 4 and when I get onto him he runs to my husband and tells him that he hates me. His mother does not disipline at all in her house it is a "whatever goes" environment. His nanna also lets him do "whatever" he wants, so I am stuck being the bad person. I just want him to be able to follow the rules of the house and to get along with the other children, but if I get on to him he refuses to talk or listen to me. He will walk into the other room to tell his dad something while I was sitting right there in the room with him. I know that he is just 4 years old, but it can hurt my feelings sometimes! I just want him to grow up with good morals and an understanding of manners. I tried talk to him about listening but he won't respond or listen to what I have to say. My husband is very supportive in that he explains to him that I live in the house too and that he should listen to what I say as well as his Daddy. My step daughter 5y has no problem with the situation just my step-son

Answer 1

Welcome to the world of being the BAD PERSON!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

My 7 yr old son always tells me he hates me and that he LOVES his father! LOL I always repeat I LOVE YOU even though YOU hate me!!! Doesn't phase him one bit.

It is a good thing your husband stands up for you. What you and your husband have to work out is WHEN the 4 yr old runs to daddy, DADDY has to bring him back to face the music or consequence.

TALK IT OUT between the 3 of you! That way DADDY is the bad guy right along with you!!! LOL JOIN FORCES with daddy and soon the 4 yr old will actually LISTEN to you when you say it the first time!!!

Another thing is consistency!!! Have to have when you are step parent. BOTH YOU and YOUR HUSBAND have to be on the same page. KIDS TOO! Have to know the RULES from the get go.

Answer 2

My own children tell me they hate me when I discipline them. Be firm in telling him that you love him. Also tell him that even if he hates you he still has to listen and follow the rules. Too much emphasis played on the episode will only show him that you are reacting to his outburst. That's what most children look for. If you react, he's got what he wants, so he'll continue the behavior. Don't use your husband when the child won't listen to you. It reinforces his belief that you have no control, in effect he's listening to his father not you. It's the biggest mistake that we all make... the wait until your father gets home...
There is a book called 1-2-3 Magic.. it's amazing how easy it is.. and it works. Check it out at your local library. If they don't have it, you can usually buy it from amazon.com or your local bookstore.
Good Luck! Remember there is light at the end of the tunnel, we just have to be strong enough to get there!

Answer 3

Its going to be hard to be the primary disciplinarian because you are not his mom in his eyes. I would completely ignore the comments, he just wants a rise out of you.
I would start a reward system for him and his sister. You can get a sticker or token for doing nice things. Make pictures of the nice things- hands for nice hands, ears for good listening, a mouth for nice words (to everyone, not just you), etc. Place the token next the good deed. Ten tokens gets a prize drawn from a box. (extra time before bed, a call to grandparents, candy, craft time, popcorn, friend over to play) Since his sister is on the wagon, this will work great. Make sure that he is successful on the first day or this will bite you in the butt. Make sure his rewards are immediate and not delayed for convenience. Also make sure Daddy is on board, gives tokens, and asks the kids about how many they have.
By replacing "getting on him" with tokens for good behavior, you will reduce the chances for him to "hate you".
It's easy for him to make you the "bad guy". This will save you while keeping order in the house.

Answer 4

I have seen this many times with blended families. You are blessed that your husband is supportive of you-I have seen others who have not been. I disagree that you should try to be a friend instead of a parent. He will learn in time. It is confusing but he should respect you. I have seen ex-spouses teach their children to be disrespectful to the step parents. They do hurt them but it also hurts the child. I agree that you should be patient. BE CONSISTENT!!!! I'm sure that in the future it will be better but sometimes it takes yrs due to circumstances. Believe it or not I've seen children learning to love a step-parent more than their flesh & blood because actions speak louder than words. SHOW him you love him. You won't always be the "bad person"! If he won't listen to you dad will have to follow thru with decipline and be supportive of you. He will come around. Don't give up!!!!

Answer 5

I also have a 4 yr old. He tells me the same thing ( not being a step child) This is just a stage they go through. At 4 they are learning new Independence and trying to see how far they can push the rules. Stay strong and don't let it get to you. Eventually he will learn this game of guilting you into what he wants is not going to work leading eventually giving up. Next will be life is not fair stage. I just tell them your right its not

Answer 6

It's totally natural for your step son to rebel against you. He is craving attention and is lacking discipline from his real mother and grandmother. You should always make sure you have the upper hand and yet you want to be gentle with him. Try and spend some alone time with him. Just you and him, take him for ice cream or to a movie or to the park. Try and get to know him on his level. Once you have established a relationship with him, he will learn to respect you.

Answer 7

Instead a mum to son approach ..try to do it in a friend approach? Talk to him like talkin to a friend, tell him to treat u like a friend not a mummy .

Some kids have a harder time to open up to someone new. Kids are smart to know which one of the adults will pamper him n shelter him even if he knows he is in the wrong ...

U need a lot of patience.....get together with yr hubby for fun time .....dinner time ..etc ....or join him in his friends activites...let him feel the warmess n love from u ..

I know is never easy but never give up .......the light is at the end of the tunnel :)

I had a problem too but with my daughter...she ever told me that I dont love her n even tells me not to come close to her.she would tear papers,cry n cry,wont listen, run around the house ...I .brought her to docs ..but they concluded that nothing is wrong with her..i had to quit my job for 2 yrs to just stay home and be close to her again ...I am glad i did ....it worked out n now we are like chickens lol...

Have faith in yrself ..we are just humans trying to correct our kids and bring them bk to the right path :)

cheers :)

Answer 8

this is happening because he is thinking you want to take his dad away from him. It's good though his father is supportive an teaches him to listen to you. Try to be his friend, instead of commanding, ask the other children's help and he will follow them. Anyway, it will take a long time to make him cooperate.

Answer 9

"Tie some strings" Create a bond between you and him by taking him, and only him out on a "date". Do for ice cream and shopping, or to an amusment park to gether, color together- anything. The more time you give him, the better he will listen to your voice and respect you.

Answer 10

He is just 4 , this may be due to someone is telling him to act and say so. There might possibility of such thing from any of the family member.