I am having some father issues, can anyone help shed some light on the situation?

Question

I grew up not knowing my father. I got his number in Feb of 05 and since then I have seen him a few times over the past 2 years and know him a little better. We have somewhat of a relationhsip. Now I am engaged and I told him his girlfriend would not be invited to the wedding. He is more than welcome but she is not. She is 3 years older than me and I am 25. My father is 58. She has lost custody of her kids due to alcohol and drug use,(state has custody of her youngest) she has stolen from and cheated on my father, she just got out of jail for possession of crack and did some time in rehab. She is using my father and he knows this. I sent him an email informing him she would not be invited for these reasons and he called me self righteous and judgmental and said I was putting myself on a pedestal. He said that I should not look down on on others less fortunate. She made her choices and I dont feel bad for her. Am I self righteous like he said or right to feel this way?

He called my grandmother in Feb of 05 and asked about me. She gave me his number and I called him and we emailed, called, and I went to see him a few times. This girl has been in and out of his life and her baby isnt even his (the one in custody).

He sent his email to me after I sent him one informing saying she was not welcome at the wedding.

sorry you dissapprove of my choice of
insignificant other.I see a part of you that chills me to the bone.with that tone you approach me in the quick to establish self=rightious judgement,to put
ones self on a pedistal looking down on less fortunates giving thanks to GOD that they are not like other people.You have never been sharp,rude,or offensive in
any way to me and I'm not ready to take that from you right now.As for me going to see Tracey and not spending time with you,the road runs both ways,sugar.You haven't called me more than I have
called you.I do regret that we haven't spent more time together.

This is what I wrote him first.

I have your address now and while we
are on the subject Tracey Will not be invited to the wedding. I didnt realize the two of you were living together. I know I am just your daughter and it may not be my place to say anything but I dont trust her and I feel she is just using you. She is only a few years older than me and I know you love her but with her criminal history, alcohol and drug abuse record, losing her kids, and what she did to you last time I dont approve of it. Would you want me to date a man like that? I would hope not. I heard from you more often when she was not in the picture. I'm sorry if this upsets you and as much as I would like you to be there she will not be welcome. If you decide not to come as a result than I will understand. I wish you made better relationship choices. She isnt good for you. I am glad she went through rehab and hope she is doing better but that doesnt change my opinion.

He is invited but not his guest. She is not his wife, and my fiance is military. Our wedding is on base where drugs are strictly prohibited. She has a record and I dont want to sponsor her on base.

I told my dad that I am not giving him an ultimatum. Its not me or her. Its "I want you there but she is not welcome." I am scared that she may get drunk and bring drugs on base. HUGE HUGE HUGE problem.

He is not a huge part of my life. My Grandpa and Grandma raised me for the most part and Grandpa is walking me down the aisle and dancing with me. I am grown and have had a father figure in my life, Grandpa. He is invited as a courtesy and inclusion not a neccessity.

He is still a pretty big stoner and the times I have gone to see him he is too high to even do anything with me. I dont drink often and I dont do drugs. I am not threatening him in any way, There is a lot more the whole situation though.

Answer 1

Those are serious things she has done. If you were not inviting her because she bought gas on Sunday (i.e broke the sabbath) then I would tell you to get off your bible toting a$$ and extend the olive branch.

I would also say that if he was a dad that was in your life since birth that would buy him some leeway however he has only been a dad for a couple of years to you and he doesn't have the rights and priviledge that a full-time father would have in this situation.

A very powerful lesson was taught from my dad to me when I was young. He put my mom above his parents. He told me to do the same when I got married almost 10 years ago. I am telling you to put your fiance first and don't expose her to that type of lifestyle. If she chooses to expose herself to it then that is her choice but at least you didn't do it to her.

If you love your dad, continue to put pressure on him that he needs to find someone that is more stable. If he doesn't mean much to you then focus more on improving your life with your new wife and the family you two will create. Your dad should feel lucky to even have his son in his life after kicking you to the curb when you were growing up. Thus he needs to know his role in your life, and it shouldn't be #1.

Answer 2

You are right in not wanting to invite her to your wedding. Especially because you feel that your father is being made a fool of.

But spelling it all out in those terms makes you 'come across' as self righteous and judgemental. Maybe you should have told him gently on phone and not on e-mail.

Answer 3

If he was 25 years before he noticed you than heis not going to change and doesn't sound like the kind of father you would want around your children either. YOU are 100% right in keeping the drug addict away from you wedding and future family.
He should understand that.

Answer 4

It might have been more tactful of you to simply say she isn't invited to your wedding rather than explaining why. Yes, you're being judgemental, however, it is your wedding and you have the right to invite whomever you wish. Daddy needs to respect your wish that he attend alone.

You need to lighten up and show him some respect in return by keeping your negative opinions about his girlfriend to yourself. He's a big boy and has made his own decisions. Neither of you has the right to tell the other one how to live their life. Ask yourself how you'd feel if he put down your fiance`.

Answer 5

You are absolutely right. You don't like someone taking advantage of your dad, does that make you a bad person? no it doesn't ... When you are in bad relationships you can't put yourself on the outside and see whats really going on no matter how many people tell you he is going to have to find out for himself and he will eventually but until then dont fell bad about her or what you are doing she is not less fortunate she is a crack head and thats her fault, and cheating on your spouse is unforgivable and you dont cheat because your are less fortunate

Answer 6

Sometimes in life you must draw a line, but be careful not to draw so many lines that you end up boxed in alone.
Ask yourself these questions:
Would her presence at your wedding be disruptive?
Would it distract you or guests too much?
How important to you is it that your father be there?
Are you attempting to punish her or him by using your wedding as a weapon?
Only you can answer these questions. Seek the council of wise friends or family, pray, meditate, then do what brings YOU peace.

Answer 7

I think you have the right to feel this way. But you also have to except her because she is a part of his life. He knows what she does and excepts that. If anyone is going to be in danger with her there, I'd definitely not invite her.

Answer 8

You are not self righteous in anyway.
He is being selfish for not respecting your views on it.
If he still feels this way when the wedding rolls around, just forget about him, and in time he will regret it.
Have fun!
At least you have your grandfather!

Answer 9

Not at all. And for the record, I'd let him know that HIS invitation has been revoked! Screw him. Anyone can be a father. It takes a REAL man to be a Dad.

You don't need his crap at your wedding.

Answer 10

I have to agree with your father for the most part. It's really not right to invite him but not the person he is making a life with regardless of their faults.Even JESUS hung with the sinners because they were the ones who needed the most help.