Can an Australian translate this for me please?

Question

Im an american and I need this translated by an Australian, can you help please?

Me mate sez we garna be rooly lucky if straya win disarvo. I sez, Bruce, we need maw then luck! He pissed imself. I sez, garn gedda cupla tinnies, so e goze inta tha garige and tripped ova me missus push bike. I shouded 'oy ya lanky drongo, dont shake up tha veebs!' So he goze an starts shakin em wiv a cheeky look on im, so i chuck me thong at im an he starts pissen imself again. Tomo cums in. I say 'how ya garn?' an he sez 'how ya garn!', an I started laafin.

Its from a recording I recently heard.
Thanks!

Answer 1

Is this for real? Anyway:

My friend says that we are going to be really lucky if Australia wins this afternoon. I said Bruce, we need more than luck! He pissed himself (this means he laughed really hard). I said, I am going to get a couple of tinnies (aka beer cans), so he went into the garage and tripped over my Mrs (wife) push bike. I shouted "oi, you lanky drongo (kind of like saying "you idiot" in a joking way) and started shaking them (I guess he means the beer cans) With a cheeky look on his face. So I threw my thong (as in the footwear type) and he starts laughing again. Tomo (aka Tom) comes in. I said "How are you going?" and he said "How are you going" and I started laughing.

Answer 2

Sounds more like Newfie than Aussie to me.

Answer 3

御免なさい。
僕は日本人です。