Step mom to be, and ALL of our feelings.?

Question

My fiance and I are exspecting a little boy oct 27th, her and I have been together for 1 year and things have been great.....I have a two year old girl from a previous relationship and I asked many, many times before we went into even dating if she was comfortable with me having a child, she said YES!!! numerous times, and is wonderful with my daughter.....My daughter stays with us mon. and tues. and everyother weekend, and latley my fiance is not handling it too well. Not wanting to understand that 2 year olds typiclly are a little stressful, or saying things that really REALLY set me off. Im begining to doubt her stength, and the commitment she said she wanted sooooo bad. Shes is starting to
make me feel like my dauhgter ( someone who is going to be in my life FOREVER and who I love and adore) ( wich makes us a FAMILY ) is something she feels she shouldnt be home alone with her, having some responsibilites, pertaining to her, me and us 3 as a family.
am i a jerk, or insensitive?

p.s. my daughter is from a previous marrige.

Answer 1

Cut your gf some slack, she's pregnant for crying out loud. She's definitely not feeling 'normal' right now.

Answer 2

Since she is toward the end of her pregnancy she is bound to become more sensitive and tired and perhaps unable to keep up with the needs of a hyperactive 2 year old. Part of the reason could be the reality of "her" first child of which you have already experienced. Everyone reacts to pregnancy differently and deals with it differently than others. By being engaged to you she is agreeing to spend her life with you and whoever else is included but you must also be sensitive to her feelings at this time also. When she says something insensitive then call her on it, ask her what she meant by it and if in the future she can refrain from making those comments in front of your daughter since you have limited time with her and want the visitation to be as pleasant as possible. Talk about this issue and clear the air before the baby is born and before the wedding. Pregnancy in the last trimester can make any strong woman weak. Please understand that it doesn't mean she loves your daughter any less, but being a new parent and going through the process can be very scary. Good luck.

Answer 3

First off Is the little girl an absolute angel for the most part or an irritating brat? And if she is the latter do you stay on top of things with the proper punishment? If you are letting her run your life instead of you running hers I wouldn't blame the fiance for running the other way. But if she is a good girl and not overly spoiled then maybe your companion might be a little jealous of the attention you show to your child . If that's the case I doubt she will overcome that problem any time soon, And I would taper off on thoughts of any wedded bliss. It won't happen I promise you. And we are talking another 18 or 20 years that child will most likely depend on you for something. And the other female will only grow more and more resentful. Try talking with her. I am sure it's something of this nature. It is a hard thing to be put in the middle but a loving grown up shouldn't put you in that position anyways.
I wish you well.
Marseille

Answer 4

You're being both, a jerk and insensitive. 2 year olds are not just a LITTLE stressful, they're very stressful, and you need to remember that the 2 year old in question is NOT your fiance's child!!! AND she's pregnant!!! Having been pregnant and dealing with a 2 year old before, I can tell you that dealing with your own 2 year old is a challenge, and my child was 3 when I was pregnant.

Cut her some slack, I'm sure she doesn't want to be alone with your daughter right now because she's worried about having the baby. What if something happened, and she's at the house alone with a 2 year old??? That's tough. Wait until after the baby comes, and I'll bet she'll be back to her normal self.

Answer 5

Maybe it's that your fiance is already stressed (due to pregnancy) and can't handle a 2-yr-old around the house. I think it might be that being this pregnant, your fiance is going to be a little stressed out about everything, and being left alone with your daughter may not be the best idea. If your fiance hasn't acted this way before now, you might consider her pregancy side-effects to be the cause of this attitude. What ever you do, talk to her first!!! Women need to talk things through, and I know that talking about it calmly (calmly, I know it's sometimes hard to do) will help a lot.

Answer 6

What she's going through is completely understandable. I went through the same thing with my stepsons. I was gung ho and then shortly after the boys moved in with us I was thinking to myself, "What the hell did I get myself into?" They were 5 and 6 yrs. old and completely out of control but time and determination paid off. Your fiance could be feeling the same way and add pregnancy to the mix and it's no wonder she's feeling overwhelmed. She's probably scared because motherhood is tough under the best circumstances. I won't say you're a jerk or even insensitive but you do need to be a little more supportive and understanding. Talk to her!

Answer 7

be a bit understanding her hormones will be going wild
however
your daughter is your number one priority... your wife to be does not understand that love and bonding yet ... if you are to be a family your wife needs to take responsibility as well for your daughter.. .that's what she agreed to and how step families have to work
don't ever let your daughter feel unwanted, the odd one out or as if she inconveniencing you
she will sense that and it could damage your relationship with her as she grows up
you need to discuss with your wife to be the importance of her in your daughters life and maybe even do a stepparent day course... they are excellent
because this is your fiances first child she may think that the world stops because she is to become a mum... she also needs to know that the non stop actions of a two year old is just the way it is and the quicker we come up with some routines for her the easier it will be on us... do it together... keep it constructive

Answer 8

You are not a jerk. I have found that even the best of women have trouble adjusting to being a step parent. They either want to ignore the child that is not theirs, or they want to take over parenting for that child completely. I do not know why.

There can be middle ground, but I have rarely seen it. The attitude that you fiance has seems to be the prevalent one, so I guess the question you have to ask youself is "Is it worth the extra work it is going to take to bring this family together?" I tried everything with my (now) ex-wife, but the best I ever got was osculating between the two extremes. I finally could not take the fact that she treated her own son so much better than my children, yet at times tried to get the kids to "like her" better than they liked their own parents. It was VERY frustrating.

Good luck.

Answer 9

First of all, she is PREGNANT. Mood swings. If she didn't act this way before maybe you need to be a little more sympathetic.
You are kinda in a bad spot. You got to be there for your daughter for many years to come. Yet, you have a baby on the way with this one now too. You can't walk away from your daughter. Is counseling a option? I wish you all the best.

Answer 10

ADVICE- before having any more kids get in a long standing relationship bound by law aka get married. Then think about kids... Think about how hard these kids' lives will be and times aren't making growing up any easier.