Help me help my kids, my sister is having my ex husbands baby!?

Question

My ex and my little sister started dating in 1996 (three months after he & I split up), they broke up in 2000, then hooked back up 1 1/2 years ago, got married and now she's due to have his baby in Sept. My x and I have 2 kids together 11 & 13. We hate each other, but I have a good relationship with my sister. Sounds crazy, I know.... I need advice on what to do, not to do, what to say, what not to say as far as my kids & thier new baby sister are concerned. My two kids think it's weird, but want to except and love the baby with no reservations. I'm worried about people outside of the immediate family. Kids this age have enough problems and pressures to deal with, this isn't going to help. What do I do??? I try to pretend that my x is just my little sister husband, I try to forget I was ever with him. Is this the right thing to do? Or is avoiding this going to make a bigger problem in the end? Someone please help, real advice not sarcasm. Thanx

Answer 1

It sounds like you have a fairly healthy stance on the situation. Your kids too. You can't control how other people handle their lives so I would simply explain to your children that you and their dad no longer have those feelings for each other but that you do love your sister and her baby to come and that it is the right thing to do for them to love the new baby too. Help them understand that the situation is a bit unusual and that other people may have comments about it but encourage them to simply state that they love their new baby sister. End of story. Just be honest your kids are probably strong enough to handle it.

Answer 2

My brother did the same thing! He had 2 kids with P and then married S and had 4 more! Oh yea, there was trouble at first, but everyone just had to accept it. The kids felt kinda like they had two Mom's. P was on drugs, so S ended up being the main Mom, really. Now S died this spring. You would have thought God would take P since she isn't worth much to anyone and all the drugs, but guess he had a different plan. Anyway, I'm sure it will all work out, just wanted to let you know you arn't alone! Sorry, I know it must be very hard. Best wishes!

Answer 3

I would just say be honest with the kids and other family. I wouldn't make a "joke" out of it by using both terms of cousin and halfsister ...I would just tell others outside the family that the baby is their halfsister and leave it at that. Anyone who is close enough to know what's going on should already understand the situation. Honestly is always the best policy and it isn't that unusual for sisters to date the same guy -- I guess this is just an extension of that. And if someone has a BIG problem with it -- tell them to mind their own blasted business.

Answer 4

Well they are married, so at least it's a legitimate pregnancy. (It woudl have been harder, socially speaking, if they were not married) It is a little weird and will make for some confusing social situations. Your kids now have a step-sister/niece which can be difficult to understand. There is, of course, no reason not to let them understand this dynamic as weird as it might seem. Remember that while it might not seem "normal" to you, this is their lives and they will know no different. To them it will be normal to have their father married to their aunt and have their step-sister be their niece as long as you can make it normal. They might already have resentment that their father has moved on with their aunt and a new baby, and not stayed with you and them, so it's improtant to try and make it acceptable. This is such a hard situation, and undoubtedly an uncomfortable one. It's never easy to see an ex move on, but with your sister? I could not even imagine! Since you are on good terms with your sister, I suggest you express your feelings to her, and hopefully you can all reach a solution about family boundaries, conformity, etc. Good luck...

Answer 5

Don't start making up lies. Be honest with your kids without going into a bunch of detail. At ages 11 and 13...they are not babies...they know what's going on.

Answer 6

To learn the best way to explain all of this to your children, definitely seek the help of a professional. This is a very unusual, extremely unnatural and difficult situation, one that's almost impossible for anyone to deal with correctly, without a lot of help.

Find a psychologist or councelor who specializes in family issues and can help you work through the situation with your children. You don't have to go it alone.

If you're not sure who to see, ask your usual doctor or pediatrician, who can certainly refer you to someone reputable.

Answer 7

OMG!! this is a complicated situation---I say tell ur kids the truth about the whole thing--I dont think avoiding ur ex helps because it hurts ur sister too.

But in my opinion ur sister should of never hooked up with him--I mean a fling ok whatever but to have kids with him thats just "wrong"-----it should of never happened--and u shouldnt be upset or embaressed they should be!!!

Answer 8

Your sister (out of respect for you) should have never hooked up with your Ex.

I say all bets are off, as she obviously could care less about you. Do what you feel you need to do, however treat the baby as you would your own; it's not his/her fault they were born into a messed up situation.

Answer 9

The Montel Williams Show is ideal for this topic. He won't make silly comments like some of the other tv show guys. Also, he as a therapist on his show to consult with guests that need follow-up help.

Here is the link to his show: Click on Be a Guest and choose a topic.

http://www.montelshow.com/misc/show_ideas/

Answer 10

OMG! so the baby will be their sister and 1st cousin. poor kids. keep doing the my sister's husband thing and maybe that will help alot, as for the kids ask them if they want to talk to a counselor....if they don't then I wouldn't worry, just love them and your sister's baby and all hopefully will go well. good luck!!