How can I get my 3 year old son to stop hitting and kicking me when he doesn't get his way?

Question

My son, who is three, constantly hits and kicks me when I tell him no. Also he does that when I want him to do something he doesn't want to do, like take a nap. He is normally a good kid, but he seems really angry at times and gets out of control. He rarely does that to his dad, just me. I am not sure what to do! Any suggestions would be great!

Answer 1

Are you being consistent with him? Are you setting limits and following through every time? Does "No" mean "No" the first time you say it or are you offering him chances? Often times, fathers are more consistent, set limits and follow through, and mean "no" when they say it. Your child could be aware of this and so he does not test his dad. Some parents want their child to "like" them and give in a lot (get them the newest toy or cartoon). Does this sound like you? You want your child to respect you. Children need limits for them to respect you. Try to start being more consistent with him (set limits, follow through, and not offer chances...) and see if this helps.

Try and use logical consequences whenever possible. Taking away a toy or privileges when your son misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if he throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If he makes a mess, he cleans it. If he breaks a toy, it goes in the trash. If he damages something in the home, he does things around the house to pay for the damages. Let the discipline fit the crime. A natural consequence for hitting or kicking you is that you do not want to be near him. You can say “If you are going to hurt me I don’t want to be near you. We can play when you’re ready to be gentle.

Another technique you can try when he is misbehaving is this. As soon as he misbehaves, get down to him level and say "I don't like when you (explain what and why)." Take him gently by the hand and put him in a spot in your home (bedroom, the couch.) Say "When you're ready to (stop hitting, listen, stop, behave) then you can come back with me." This is not a time out because you are not giving a time limit (you controlling him). He returns when he's ready to control himself. You may have to take him back to the spot a few times before he gets the message. Thank him when he behaves. Keep it up!

Notice him when he is not misbehaving. Say things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can climb! You used so many colors on that picture!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders.

Try and give him a warning before his next transition. Young children often have a hard time switching gears. Say things like "In 5 more minutes it will be naptime.' or "After you finish your lunch it's time for a nap." It will be easier for him to transition if he expects it.

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Good luck!

Answer 2

I told someone else the same thing I'll tell you; God gave them a tush and it ain't just for sittin'. When he does something that is disrespectful or rude, spank him.

It's not just about the spanking, though, but in how you do it. Spanking should never be done in anger- this teaches them that it's okay to hit when you're angry. When he hits you or doesn't obey (obedience is a HUGE deal- if he doesn't obey now, he will have problems the rest of his life) get down on his level and calmly (never yell) say "That is not okay. The next time you do that, I will spank you." And make sure you do if he does.

Be consistent! He has to know what to expect every time he does something wrong. He will get it, and he will be happier with firm boundaries. That's all he's trying to do, test you to see what you will let him get away with. Don't feel bad about showing him that he is not the boss.

And spanking with an open hand is not illegal. Good luck, sweetie, you can do it.

Answer 3

You know, when my son was 3 he started hitting when I told him no. At first, I smacked him... then I realized I was reinforcing exactly what I didn't want him to do.

So, I read up on several articles and hit on something that worked. Rather than sending him away, I picked him up, wrapped my arms around him, and through his screams and cries, told him how much I loved him.

I told him that I knew it was hard to hear no, but that we don't always get what we want. I also told him that since I loved him, he shouldn't hit. I'd tell him that he had to calm down before I would put him down - and eventually, when he stopped protesting, I would SHOWER him with love - kisses and hugs etc.

My son stopped hitting me and learned that I was there for him, even when I told him no. In addition, he learned that not hitting got him a LOT more attention.

My little guy is now 4, and believe me, he has anger issues when he gets angry - we now have given him an "angry pillow". We bought a pillow from Wal-Mart for 3 bucks, drew faces on it to decorate it, and now he can go hit his pillow if he is really frustrated. We talked about how it is ok to hit the pillow, but not people/doors/walls etc. It seems to be working very well.

I know that it sounds cliche, or hippy - but it did work for me after I had spanked and time-outted and cornered and sent to the room... just let the guy know you're on his side, even when you have to say no. In addition, not only are you reasoning with him, but you are letting out your own frustrations. Hearing yourself talk and reason can do WONDERS for your own frustration level.

Good luck!

Answer 4

you do no longer point out you punish him different than yell and that of course isn't working. His habit should be reprimanded. i could try the "outing" subject and notice how he does. this is cautioned for each year of existence, they get a minute so for him, he's in timeout for 3 minutes. positioned him in a niche the place you may locate him and verify he's not enjoying. call it some thing like the naughty spot or naughty chair so he's familiar with that once he is going there, this is because of the fact he did some thing incorrect. Be arranged, the toddler may well be in TO extra effective than no longer on the commencing up. After the TO is over, circulate over what he did incorrect and ask him if he's conscious of why he's there. clarify that this is no longer advantageous to hit and that he's a substantial brother and his sister desires him to help coach her what's sweet and what's incorrect. enable him be attentive to which you elect his help in that section, too. this way he has self quite worth and he won't experience so jealous. additionally, make sure that he says he's sorry and to settle for the apology and reassure him via accepting the apology with a hug. IF the TO would not artwork, correspond yet another form of punishment with it. TO alongside with removing of a toy, sought after television coach, sought after meals, and so on. good success!

Answer 5

Did you ever watch that show Super NAnny, or Nanny 911? Very good shows, they give you tips on how to control children when they misbehave. My suggestion is to make a naughty spot. Whne your child hits or kicks you put him a room, not his own, and put him there for 3 minutes. Why 3 minutes? Beacause it's a minute for his age. After three minutes are up, explain to him why he was in there and tell him that you want an apology. Each time he doesn't say sorry he stays in there for another 3 minutes. Hope this information helps you. All of the information came from either of those shows. Again, hope it helps you.

Answer 6

kind of the nature of the beast, so to speak. 3 year olds are still very self involved and want things their way (don't we all?) but they don't have the abstract thought processes to deal with the reality that you can't always get what you want. 1st of all, pick your battles. what is REALLY important, and what are just control issues. napping at age 3 is still pretty mandatory, they need that interlude to repair for the 2nd half of the day. tell him that he needs to be calm and close his eyes "just for 5 minutes" (a very short time, remind him!) maybe a treat or snack after a successful nap is in order as well. be consistent, and never angry when he hits or kicks. let him know that it hurts you, physically, when he does this to you, and that it makes you sad when he behaves in this manner. definitely make hitting a zero tolerance issue between you two, you don't hurt him, so he shouldn't hurt you, and explain that to him, over and over. best of luck to you with this episode of your life, and know that other mommies have gone through similar circumstances, this, too, shall pass. enjoy your son now, because all too soon he'll be grown up, find another woman in his life, and forget all about dear old mom. sad but so true.

Answer 7

The thing with kids is , they are smart enough to know what you will fall for and what you won't. So you need to setup a system:
Where you take a favorite hobby of his, and set up a limit. Say 5 minutes. Everytime he listens he gets to put a sticker on the chart and gets 5 extra minutes. This way he gets what he wants, and you get what you want. You might want to establish a time out corner. If it gets worse, he has to sit in time out for 2 minutes. Remember that kids don't have a huge attention span. So keep activities short and smooth. Do not bribe him with snacks. Oh! AND when you tell him to do something don't say "is that okay" because if he says no than thats your bad! LOL. I took child development classes so thank my teacher that I know all of this. Set up activities like finger painting (get the crayola color wonder) or allow for him to choose his own clothes, and food. Have you started counting and alphabet activities, if not you should. You can email me or send me a note for more answers.

Answer 8

You need to start time outs for this behavior. And tell him it's not ok - he's old enough to understand that. Once he calms down, try talking through his feelings. He's getting frustrated, but doesn't yet know how to express it. You need to teach him how to talk. He probably doesn't do this for your husband because you are the primary caregiver. As you get going on this, try getting him to say his feelings before he throws a fit. Also try giving him more choices during his day. I know that not everything can be a choice, but you could let him choose what to wear. Does he want cereal or toast for breakfast? Does he want to brush his teeth or put his jammies on first? You get the picture. And also start warning him when it's time to do something that isn't an option. "In 5 minutes it will be naptime." And keep reminding him.

Answer 9

Honey, you should have put a stop to it the very first time he did this! Now he believes it's acceptable behavior. What you can try is firmly telling him no and telling him the behavior is not acceptable once... then have a squirt bottle in the fridge. One he kicks you, squirt him in the face with the cold water. I know it sounds mean but it will bring him back to reality. Then follow through with whatever it was you asked him to do. You may need to do this more than once. Believe it or not, a pediatrician recommended this to us with our son and it really did work. He couldn't believe that we would do that and it was more effective than a spanking. Good luck!

Answer 10

I have two-year-old son who acts similarly. It is mostly when he is tired. When he's totally out of control, I pick him up and tell him that it's mean to hit people and that he needs to calm down. Then I put him in his crib until he's quiet or until his crying sounds more like "comfort me" than "I hate you." I've found that swatting him when he's out of control just makes him even more mad, but that is different from kid to kid. Sometimes it works to start pretend crying if he's hit me. He seems to understand that tears mean he's hurt me. Whatever you do, you have to set a firm boundary and stick to it, firmly. That doesn't have to mean yelling, though. Sometimes when my son is revving up for a tantrum, I lean over and whisper to him, "Let's read a story" or something like that. He has to stop screaming and listen to my whisper. I don't think this is "rewarding" him for tantruming--quite the opposite. I think it says, "If you're calm, we can do something fun, otherwise no."

On the prevention side, I've found that letting my son play outside a lot helps get his aggression out. It also helps to give him a five-minute warning when we're going to have to leave or stop doing something. I even set the kitchen timer so that it's the "boss"--it's sort of Pavlovian. When it goes off, I say, "Okay, time to get out of the tub" or whatever. It's sort of value-neutral. It's just time to do something else.

It also seems to help when I get my son involved in what I'm doing--like letting him measure ingredients when I'm cooking or helping me put laundry in the dryer. Choices also help. If you can let him decide between two options, both of which are acceptable to you, that gives him more of a feeling of control over his life. They can't decide everything, but having some choices seems to prevent some of the acting out behavior.

At nap time, we go through a little routine of reading stories and hugs and kisses. Then I put him in his bed and close the door. Even if he doesn't sleep, he's getting some quiet time, and so am I. There's a book called "Healthy sleep habits, happy child" by Marc Weissbluth, which goes through what normal sleep patterns are for children and how to get them into a good routine. You might check that out for more strategies. Good luck!