When should i tell my daughter that her dad is not really her biological father?

Question

I have been with my current husband since my daughter was 6 months old. She only knows him and he is the greatest dad to her and to the son we have together. Her real dad didn't want anything to do with her or me. I was 16 and he was 17. My daughter is 9 years old and I know i have to tell her. I just don't know how and when..Please help me.

Answer 1

tell her when shes old enough to handle the situation maturely. do it in early teens, but not too late in her teen years.

Answer 2

The only thing that I would suggest is whenever you decide to tell her, please be honest and do tell her everything.

I found out at 16 the man I thought was my father in fact was not. And I was angry with my mother for a very long time. I also believe a lot of the mistakes that I have made in my relationships with men are a direct result of that situation. I felt like my father abandoned me and I looked for love in all the wrong places WELL into my thirties!!!

The sooner you tell her, the better things will be in the long run. Waiting to tell her when she is a teenager in my opinion is a mistake.

Both you and your husband should sit her down together, make sure she understands that you both love her and tell her the truth! If she asks about her father be honest, don't lie to her because lying will only lead to her distrusting you and possibly making some of the same mistakes I made, and you don't want to do that to your child.

Good luck!

Answer 3

The best thing you can do is be honest now don't wait any longer it will only hurt her worse in the long run! Just sit her down and tell her the story of how she came about, but don't tell her that her real father didn't want her it may make her feel like she had something to do with it when it was actually just him being a bad person! Never bad talk him because it will only drive her to want to find him or resent you in some way, she may begin to think you had something to do with him leaving! Just tell her when he found out you were pregnant he just disappeared and you never heard from him again! Simple as that! Just reassure her that her Dad she lives with and you love her very much and would never leave her!

Answer 4

First of all, I do not envy you the tough decision you're going to be making.

Your daughter is going to have all sorts of questions about her biological father, and you're either going to have to be able to answer them or else point her in the right direction (meaning to the guy who fathered her) for the answers. So I'd suggest contacting this man if you know how to do so. The fact is, her "Dad" is the man she's known all her life. This will not change, and it might be advisable to have him involved in the discussion, as it will present her with a family issue, instead of moving him from the picture.

Also, your daughter will most likely be quite distressed - after all, her world as she knows it will have to be reconceived a bit to accomodate the addition of this unknown (to her) man. To the person who advocated seeking a professional counselor, I can do nothing more than agree whole-heartedly. It's a tough thing to do, coming to grips with the feeling that things aren't exactly as you *know* them to be...especially when you're still growing up... and a counselor can make all the difference in a situation such as this.

Above all else, both you and her Dad need to make it abundantly clear that this is just a new piece of information for her, and that the love you both have for her is still as unchanged as ever. It will take a bit of time, but she will adapt to this new piece of knowledge - and perhaps find a whole new branch of the family which will embrace her!

Answer 5

Here is a suggestion coming from my personal experience. My younger sister is 7 years old. Our family adopted her at 18 months from an orphanage in Russia. We don't know anything about her bio mom, except that she was single and young. What we have been doing with her is just saying stuff that is simple to her. For example: "Mommy and daddy loved you so much that we traveled on an airplane to Russia to get you" or "You were born in Russia and that is where we came to to get you" Obviously it is not the whole story, but she wouldnt understand that at this age. We are trying to introduce at least the idea of Russia to her while she is young. We dont want her to think that we were trying to hide it from her when she is older. As your daughter grows just continually keep adding more to the story until she is old enough to understand. It may be very hard for her to cope with that idea, but if you are patient about it, she should be okay. Make sure and tell her that your husband loves her very much, just like he is her bio dad. Something along those lines. Hope it helps! Just don't save the whole story until she is too old. It could hurt her long term and could ruin your relationship with your daughter! Good luck!

Answer 6

As soon as you can. Don't let this daughter have to find out the hard way--it hurts and betrays a lot of trust. that covers when.
How? I don't know when a good time would be but definitely during a good mood, and adjust this to where it's not "out-of-the-blue" weird.
"______ is the greatest dad ever, right? Why do you think that? [allow her to answer] Do you know of other dads who don't do that? Dads who don't care for their children? [another answer] I'm glad I could give you such a wonderful father Figure. [summon husband] I think you're old enough to know difference between Dad and Father. _____is your Dad; he cares for you loves you, and wants what's best for you. I being your Mom think that this bit of information will be good for you. _____ isn't your Father though. ______ is. [show a picture, break to allow absorption or be prepared for bitterness, continue at appropriate time] ______This doesn't change anything about your memories or how we feel about you. He ran out on us because_____. It is his lost because you are a beautiful and intelligent young lady."
Offer comfort, and empathy for her but do not allow her to disrespect you or your spouse. Make sure that let her know if she wants to know more about her Father, she can come to you. Let there be no more secrets since she's become of age.
I've never been in this situation and hardly qualify as a parent, what I offer is tactic and psychological scenarios. I'll pray for you.

Answer 7

I think that the longer you let the cherade go on, the more angry your daughter will be at you for never telling her. Trust me on this one. It is one thing for you to let her believe this because you are afraid of what she will say, but a completely different one to keep her believing because you are afraid it will mess up the relationship she has with your husband. Don't be selfish... I would want to know immediatly if I were her, please be fair with her and give her the opportunity to know her true identity. Think of how scary it would be to you, to wake one day 18 years after thinking you came from somewhere and find it was all a lie. To keep your relationship with her, ALWAYS be honest.

Let her know that this does NOT change what she and your husband share, and that he loved her as much now as ever. Assure her that she will not lose him from her life, as he has been there most of her life. She will need to know these things or she will be afraid that since she knows that she will lose him. Also, explain to her that her real daddy doesn't deserve a child as great as she is and he knew this and that is why he left. (This way she doesn't think he didn't want her because of something she did.)

I hope this helps and good luck!

Answer 8

Im so glad you asked this question!
my husband plans on adopting my daughter. we met when my girl was only 3 months old. she's just three now. i do have lots of time to decide what and when to tell her, but it still bothers me alot.
when i was young, i was raised by my sisters father. my mom told me he wasn't my "real" daddy when i was 9. i don't remember alot of what was said. all i remember is the words "not your daddy". that messed me up alot. i spent the rest of my youth wondering where my real dad was, why he didnt want me, etc. my mom passed away when i was 13 so by the time i was old enough to want to ask questions, there was no one to ask. i'm 28 now. my "dad" passed away two years ago. before he went tho he made sure that i knew that he loved me the same as his "real" kids and that i was a blessing for him. i no he loved me lots and he was a wondeful dad, but i still can't help wonder where the other guy is.
telling your girl now i think would be a mistake, but do tell her eventually. be prepared for questions about her bio dad. she may want to try to find him. she does have that right. be gentle with her and make sure that she knows how very much your husband does love her and always has.
good luck. try not to stress yourself out about it too much as you do have some time. hope i helped a little :)

Answer 9

I am 16 years old and my parents recenetly told me that my dad was not my biological father, this was a BIG shock as I had never thought any different, the way my parens told me was really sweet they sat me down and explain that they knew I was old enough to make my own choice on this matter and after they explained it, I had already made my choice, my Dad was my Dad, he had brought me up and had loved me from the day I was born this other man that matches my DNA just left my Mum when she told him she was pregnant, I can't say that your daughter will make the same choice as me and the truth did hurt me but believe me honesty is always the best way to go !!!

Answer 10

The longer you wait the more it'll probably hurt her! Just get her happy by buying her an ice cream or something and then sit down with her and ask her how much she likes her dad. Wait for a reply and then say nicely that he isn't your real father. And go from there. That's what I would do, and that's what I would want my parent to do if I was your daughter!

Answer 11

I understand that but I have a3 boys and my oldest is 18 in the Army. I got pregnant with him at 17 and the father didnt want anything to do with him either..once he turned 15 I sat him down and tried in my best motherly way to explain it to him. At first he hated me and didnt want to talk to me, wanted to meet his Dad and get the "truth". Well needless to say he never got that opportunity to do that..he wrote letters and never got anything..So I guess he got his answer. Sometimes you have to be a little rough on the edges to get the answers. I think if you sit her down and let her know that no matter what shes loved by both of you..Real or Not ..a fathers love is everything to a little girl. My father is my step-dad and Id lay down my life for him. He molded me into what i am today. And for both my parent being honest Im forever thankful..Youll find a way and when the time tis right ..youll know.....