Can somebody please tell me some seriously good jokes?

Question

i really need a laugh i won't get disgusted at nasty jokes either i just need something to make me laugh

Answer 1

I had gone to a public restroom and I had just sat down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying"hi, how are you?
I,m not the type to start up a conversation in the restroom but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "doin just fine!"
and then He says "so what are you up to?"
I'm thinking this is too weird so I say "uuuuh, I'm like you, just traveling."
I am trying to finish up so that I can just get out of there and then I hear him say"Can I come over?"
I am pulling up my pants and going as fast as I can to get out of there and I tell them "No, I'm a little busy right now."
then I hear him say nervously.....
Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

Answer 2

a blonde's cooking diary]
>
>
> >
> >
> >
> >>
> >>>Monday
> >>>
> >>>It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe
> >>>said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to
> >>>loan me some extra bowls.
> >>>
> >>>Tuesday
> >>>
> >>>Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without
> >>>dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a
> >>>friend home for supper.
> >>>
> >>>Wednesday
> >>>
> >>>A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before
> >>>steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath
> >>>anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
> >>>
> >>>Thursday
> >>>
> >>>Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said
> >>>prepare ingredients - lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before
> >>>serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
> >>>
> >>>Friday
> >>>
> >>>I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in
> >>>a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this
> >>>recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
> >>>
> >>>Saturday
> >>>
> >>>Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me
> >>>to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting
> >>>to ten.
> >>>
> >>>Sunday
> >>>Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had
> >>>was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the
> >>>hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came
> >>>out hamburger, much to my disappointment. This has been a very
> >>>exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a
> >>>new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I
> >>>would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

Answer 3

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.
One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded
biker with tattoo's all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?
The little old lady replies "Yep ... my bike's parked over there and
points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink
everyone in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At lease two
packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the
evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question:
Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, Nope, but I've been
swung around by my nipples a few times."

Answer 4

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who
was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter".
Brian was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me
back right away".

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from hi s
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was
covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought u ntil he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farm yard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen,
how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before."

"Never," replies Brian. "Well just relax and let it happen." And so he
did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under
his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got
the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he
laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew
that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him
ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shittin' in the bed!

Answer 5

Head & Shoulders

A blonde and brunette are in an elevator.

On the 3rd floor, a manager gets on who's perfect: 3 piece suit great build and nice butt. The bad part is they both notice he has dandruff.

The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed, the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him Head and Shoulders".

To which the blonde replied, "How do you give Shoulders?"

Answer 6

One day Temel came to Istanbul and got into a boat from Haydarpasa. While they were sailing, the boat started to shake and Temel's suitcase fell into the water.
An old fisherman said," If you were careful enough, this would not have happened. What will you do now?"

Temel answered in a quiet way, " Do not worry, the keys are still with me."

Answer 7

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

Answer 8

A woman was at the check out stand in the grocery store and a drunk was behind her. He watched as she rang up 1 head of lettuce, a bottle of ketchup, crackers, canned soup and whip cream. A light went off in the drunks head and he said to the lady, "you must be single". Confused as to how this drunk knew her personal life from what she bought she responded "yes, how did you know" The drunk said "cause your ugly".

Answer 9

IDIOTS & RETAIL

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

Answer 10

Mommy said to never take candy from Strangers.....so I took candy from the Johnsons...