Tell me a funny joke, the one that makes me actually laugh out loud wins 10 points !!?

Question

Please no Yo' Momma jokes.
Please no You might be a redneck jokes.
Please no blonde jokes as well.
Only reason is these are all generally old and kind lame.

Answer 1

okay I will abide by your wishes

How does Helen Keller drive? One hand on the wheel and one hand one the road!
How do you Punish Hellen Keller? 1- Reareange the Furniture 2- Give her a basketball and tell her to read it. 3- tell her to find the corners in a round room
Why does Helen Keller have holes in her face? She tried eating with a fork.
Did you hear about the new Helen Keller Doll? You wind her up and she bumps into the furniture!
What is Helen Keller's favorite Convenience Store? WAAAWAAA
Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off a cliff and kill itself? You would too if your name was sajifjlsisdjifiuop
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They stuck a plunger in the toilet.
How many kids did Helen Keller have? NONE! The plunger went all the way through!
If Helen Keller fell down in the woods, would she make a sound?
Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman! no seriously why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's dead!
Have you seen a picture of Helen Kellers dad? Neither has she!
how did helen keller burn the side of her face? she answered the iron. how did she burn the other side? they called back.
what did hellen keller's room look like? she didn't know either
what do you call a tennis match between helen keller and stevie wonder? endless love
why does helen keller wear tight pants? so you can read her lips!!
What was Helen Kellers favorite childhood game? Musical Chairs
Whats Helen Kellers favourite movie? Around the Block in 80 days.
If helen keller were psychic, would she call it a fourth sense?
What did Helen Keller say to the shop assistant when she knocked over a product-display in the store? Just looking!
whats the name of helen kellers new movie? silent scream.
how did helen keller burn her face? she was bobbing for french fries
How did Helen Kellers parents punish her? Stuck doorknobs to the walls.
Why cant Hellen Keller drive a car? Because shes a woman. Why cant Hellen Keller drive a train? Because shes dead.
Why were Helen Kellers hands purple? She heard it thru the grapevine.
Have you heard about Helen Kellers new car? neither has she
Why did helen keller go crazy? she was trying to read a stucko wall.
what did hellen keller get for cristmas? polio! she had everything else.
Helen Keller went to town riding on a pony she stuck a feather in her hat and called it......... uuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
How do you get helen keller to keep a secret? Break her fingers
why did helen kellers dog commit suicide? you would to if your name was mmmmmmmmmnnnnnn
Why doesnt Hellen Kellar scream when she fell off the cliff? - She was wearing mittens
why can't Hellen Keller jump out of an airplane? It scares the **** out of her dog.
Whats helen keller's favorite color? Black
Why did Helen Keller cross the road? What, like she know's where she's going?
What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well? She screamed her hands off.
How did Helen Keller breake her arms? Trying to read road signs at 40mph.
Why couldn't Helen Keller play on her high school football team? Because she's a girl
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other.
Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow? Her dog was blind too.
What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing? Washed her hands with soap.
how did Helen Keller burn her hands? She was trying to read a waffle iron
what does Helen Keller call the closet? Disneyworld
Where do Helen Keller's parents have her go when there's company over? Disneyworld
Why was Helen Keller late for school? DUI

I will tell you a joke. This girl was walking on the sidewalk and she was homless. This cop came up and asked where she lived. The girl said nowhere. The cop said to get in the car and that she was going to live with him. They got home and te cop said make yourself at home, I am going to take a shower. The girl said can I take a shower with you. The cop said no, the girl said please, the cop said no, the girl said please, then cop the cop says alright, but dont look down. They are in the shower and she drops the soap. She goes and picks it up and looks up and says, What is that? The cp says that is my little man. Then they get done with their shower and the cop says he is going to bed. The girl asks him if she can go to bed with him. The cop says no, the girls says please, the cop say alright. They are in bed and the girl asks if she can play with his little man. The cop says no, she says please, and he says ok. The next day he wakes up in the hospital, and the girl is standing next to his bed. He asks her what happened. The girl say tat when she was playing with his little man that it pied on her so she bit it off. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Now that is a joke that is worth laughing at.

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.

"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

"No this is 832-4823?"

"oooppps! Sorry I dialed the wrong number!"

That is so funny!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!
Please Pick me!!!!!!!! I love all the jokes on here!!!!!!

Answer 2

OK there is a family of 4. There's the mom an dad, an the two kids, Tristian the oldest (11) and Elisa the youngest (2). They all decided to go to the grocerie store to get some groceries, the dad an Elisa went to the meat isle, an the dad was thinking of grilling out hot dogs so they go over to where the hot dogs were an dad picks out an 8pack of hot dogs that were small but he was thinking that only his two kids were eating them so it wouldn't matter. he picks it up an Elisa goes, I like big ones daddy can we get lots of those, dad would have been all over this one but not when it was his own daughter. So then she starts crying exactly the moment that mom an Tristan reappear from around another isle. The mom goes whats wrong whats wrong? The dad replied she likes big one's. The mom turned around with a kind of immature grin on her face an said, no really.Dads says really the hot dogs, Mom gives him a look like she's gonna hurt him an then she asks her herself whats wrong an she reply's I want the big hot dogs an then Tristan says me too, I like big hot dogs, real lound so that everyone in the store can hear some people started crackin up others went on with there bussiness an ignored it all except for one, this Old lady appears from the isle behind them an says You two should go somewhere private an do that but not in front of yur kids look your've turned your daughter into a slut an yur son gay you all should go to therapy.They were stunned an lleft without buying anything, an still little Elisa screams for a big hot dog. Hope you enjoy the joke.

Answer 3

14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out


14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.

13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.

12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."

11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she
learns you're worth 45,000 points.

10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."

9) Your cyber-lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.

8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.

7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.

6) You can barely make out your S. L.'s face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.

5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.

4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant.

3) She's suddenly changed her address to [e-mail]

2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious [e-mail]

1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.

Answer 4

There is an ad in a newspaper asking for an office clerk that can file papers, use the fax machine, use office 2003 and is completely bilingual. This little dog watches de ad and goes to the address shown in it for an interview. When he arrives with the ad in his mouth. The receptionist, a littlebit stranged, calls her boss. When the boss finally arrives he asks the dog "Are You here for the clerk possition?", the little mutt answers "woof"!!
So the boss thinks what the heck i´ll have a little fun, so asks the dog into his office. He starts by asking the little dog "Can you File?, the dog answers "woof". Ok, says the boss, handling him a huge messy pile of documents, file this documents alphabetically and in order of date. To his surprise the little dog does it in a perfect way and as fast as the best secretary. After that the boss says send this fax to the following list of recipients. and the dog does it just as good as the last task. The boss is impressed, but thinks he is gonna nail him with the following task, which was to do a database in excel, make a graphic and put it in a powerpoint presentation. The little dog does it and even goes further making a pivot table and a pivot chart and adding a link to the company´s web page. The boss, completely impressed, says "You´re hired, it´s not only amazing that you as a dog can do this things, but i´ve never seen someone do it as perfect as you. You can start tomorrow". When the dog heard this, he started wagging his little tail and gave the right paw to the boss. As the dog was walking out of the office, the boss said one last thing: "I forgot to ask you, are you bilingual?" To this question the dog answers "MEOW"

Answer 5

Little Johnny’s neighbors had a new baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother brought the new baby home from the hospital, Little Johnny’s family was invited over to see him.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word, “ears”, he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Little Johnny looked into the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.

“The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.” Little Johnny then said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?” asked Little Johnny.

“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful. The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”

“That’s great”, said Little Johnny, “cuz he’d be sh!t outta luck if he needed glasses.”

Answer 6

READ CAREFULLY!

I don't know how many of you shop at Sam's Club or Costco, but this may be useful to know. I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you!!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 23-year-old well-built guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both are shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their highly-defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs exposed.

It's impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Sam's Club or Costco.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start talking dirty about what they want to do to you. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you!!

While this is going on the other guy steals your purse!!

I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, yesterday, and most likely again tomorrow

Answer 7

The cleanest dirty joke....

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.

The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.

The birch says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:

"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Answer 8

Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Because Burger King forgot to wrap the Whopper!

Answer 9

What does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A Buck-an-ear.

A State Trooper pulled Stan over for speeding. He asked for Stan's license and see that Stan is required to wear glasses. Stan isn't wearing any at the time so he says
"Sir, where are your glasses, it says here, you need them"
Stan says "Officer, I've got contacts"
The Trooper says " I dont' care WHO you know, I'm still giving you a ticket"

How did the pirate stop smoking?
He used the patch.

Why do black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it begins.

Answer 10

So, this guy is sits down at the bar and talks to the bartender. He says "I'll pay you $200 if you let me piss wherever I want in this bar and all over myself without getting kicked out ". The bartender looks at this guy (he thinks: doen't seem too drunk) and says "So, let me get this straight, you're gonna pay me $200 to let you piss all over my bar and your self?!" And the guy says "Yeah, and here's the money, so you know I'm not lying!"(while setting down two 100 bills). So the bartender agrees and sits back and watches. The guy unzips his pants and starts pissing everywhere. all over the bartender, the bartop, his pants, I mean pee is just flying everywhere. When the guy finished peeing, the bartender smiled, took the $200 off the bartop and looked at the guy and said "I just gotta askl why you would do something like this and pay me $200 to do it!?" The guy smiles and says "Oh, see those guys in the corner, I bet them $500 that I could pee all over you, your bar, and myself, and NOT get kicked out!"