How long should a punishment go on?

Question

My 3 year old son can sometimes be aggressive with playmates, especially if they're younger and especially if he is tired. The other day he pushed a playmate off some playground equipment twice and then refused to apologize. My husband punished him by taking away a favorite toy. This was 2 days ago. He says our son can have the toy back when he apologizes.

How long would you let this go on with your preschooler?

He misses the toy a lot and asks about it every hour. Then he gets "punished" all over again by being reminded of what he did.

Answer 1

Do you want to punish or discipline him? In this situation, logical consequence will work best. Taking away a toy when your son is aggressive is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if your son throws it or is destructive with it is logical. Let the discipline fit the crime.

There are two things you can do when he is aggressive. When he hurts another child, rush to that child and empathize. "That must have hurt! You must be really angry about that." Shut your son out. He will not like the feeling of being ignored. You can then have the hurt child tell him "I don't like when you hurt me! I don't want to play with you if you are going to hurt me!" It is a very powerful message coming from another child. Another logical consequence is that he can't go to the playground if he is choosing to be aggressive. You can say "We can't go because I'm worried that you might hurt someone." After a couple days he will get the message that he needs to be gentle.

I would also empathize with your son after an aggressive incident. "You must have been really (angry, upset, hurt, frustrated) when you pushed "John." What can you do next time instead of pushing?" He will soon learn words to express himself rather than aggression.

I don't feel that you should force a child to say "sorry." Forcing him to say something he doesn't feel is also teaching him to lie. It should come from the heart. You can speak with your son so he can see the other child's point of view. "John must be really upset. What can you do to help him feel better?" If he cannot come up with an idea himself, give him some ideas. Let him choose one he thinks is best. Good luck!

Answer 2

Under the circumstances, a time out is not even close to warranted so I'd have to disagree with everyone saying to give him a time out, especially if he's tired. The fact is the child your son pushed off of the play equipment could have been seriously injured. Thankfully he wasn't. I would have given my child a stern talking to, attempting to explain why his actions are not acceptable. He would also have been grounded, even at age three. The sooner your child understands that there are consequence for his actions, the better off he'll be as he grows up.

Frankly, I think your husband's plan of action is well intended. However, the problem here is that at 3, your son will find something else that is his favorite toy when he forgets about the one he's lost as he'll discover one that he may not have played with as much as his current favorite. Even if your son doesn't apologize, he needs to be able to tell you that he understands he shouldn't have pushed the other child and demonstrate that. If he can, then I would consider it lesson learned and return the toy... until the next incident.

Answer 3

Give him his toy back and move on. A 3-year old doesn't necessarily understand the concept of apologizing. He may SAY he's sorry, but he doesn't understand why he's doing it or what it means. He's saying it because you're telling him to say it. Reminding him of what he did wrong for days and days is also not doing any good. It's just making him feel bad and he no longer understands why. You have to take action at the time of the incident. If you miss that window then don't bother.

3 years old is a good age for time outs--put him in a designated time out spot (like a bottom stair) where he can't see his friends or toys. Put him there when he's done something wrong and tell him not to get up for 3 minutes (one minute for each year of age). Don't belabor the point by talking and talking about what he did wrong. He's too young to understand everything you're saying and you just end up sounding like "blah blah blah" to him. Use simple words and short sentences.

Next time he does something wrong, put him in time out, explain what he did wrong in no more than 2 or 3 short sentences, and ask him to apologize if necessary. Then move on.

There is a very good book that can help you with discipline for kids at this age. It's called "1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12" and it's available at Amazon.

Answer 4

i'm sure he doesn't miss his toy, especially if he has lots of other toys. he'll probably have a new favourite in no time and forget all about the one your husband took away.

if you're anything like me and most other parents, you already know about time outs and no doubt have tried them at least a few times. they never really worked for my kids but work very well for some. you could try a time out in a corner or some other quiet place, for one minute for each year of his age. start timing when he's quiet and ends only if he behaves properly the entire time (no kicking, screaming, spitting or other kinds of tantrums). he probably can't behave perfectly for 3 whole minutes but fidgeting and crying are pretty normal when being disciplined. then tell him he needs to apologise but don't force him.

i don't always believe in forcing a child to apologise because then they learn that they can get away with whatever they want if they say sorry afterward even if they don't mean it. for example, one of my nieces was intensely cruel to her sister on a daily basis. she would pull her hair and say sorry just before she kicked her. she'd say sorry again and push her down or break her toys or whatever. you get the idea. ten years later she's still being mean and saying sorry while continuing to behave inappropriately. the forced apologies never changed her behaviour, just gave her the idea that saying sorry was the same as permission to be mean.

Answer 5

I would not repunish him for asking about his toy. You need to ask your child if he would like it if he was pushed. If he says no then explain it to him that we don't do to others what we wouldn't want done to us.

But you have to remember he is 3.

I would give him back his toy he doesn't understand the concept yet of having things taken away from him.

Try time outs and the rule there is one minute for every age of the child. That would make it three minutes away from anyone else. I created a thinking chair my daughter (4 years) goes to to think of what she is done and then we talk about it and she started coming around where she now feels bad for doing something to hurt someone else.

A time out too can be restarted I will restart it twice meaning if after a minute and a half he gets up or tries to talk to you say no and restart the time at three minutes. If he tries it more than twice send him to his room or further away from any distractions.

He will learn it takes time and like i said he is three you can't expect miracles. He needs to be taught the differences between right and wrong not just that he lost his toy and its not coming back

Good Luck

Answer 6

It's not a logical consequence (unless they were fighting over that toy on the playground?) so I wouldn't have chosen that punishment, most likely. He's only 3.....he may not even get the connection between that toy and what he did wrong. Instead, I would have probably ended the park playdate and told him that he had to appologize and that he couldn't go to the park again for a week or something similar.

Answer 7

Sometimes 3 year olds don't really understand about apologizing. He might do better if he was given specific words or actions to use. " give Brandon a hug so he knows you're sorry" can work better than asking him to apologize. It sounds like he has now entered into a battle of wills with your husband. Just by getting you to acknowledge that his opinion matters enough for you to argue about it, he wins. He has the power to cause you to fight with him for two days over it. Try giving him an out. Maybe he can talk for a few minutes about why people don't like to be hurt and then get his toy out.

Answer 8

By now the child has long forgotten the reason the toy was removed. Children do not understand adult situations and your husband has put your 3 year old into an adult situation. Give the child his toy back and tell your husband to stop acting like a toddler himself.

Answer 9

We don't punish children but we guide them. You can place him in "time out" from 1 min. of his age (3 min. total.) But, that is not guiding him into the right way. It's just punishing him for the wrong way. First, Ask him "why" he pushed his friend (most likely it was out of anger). Then tell him his anger is ok to express but pushing his friend is NOT. Tell him to instead use his "words" and express his anger that way. Next, (as an adult) find a solution for him ("wait your turn because Tony was first and he has a right to use it.......but what else can you do 'til Tony is thru.") Saying "sorry" does little because he is saying it because you want him to and not because he really means it. Last, Don't take anything away unless that was the factor of the problem. For example, if throwing sand was the problem then let him play but not around the sand box 'til he is ready to stop throwing sand.

Answer 10

you might want to use the toys and things you take away as a reward for doing something good. give them back when your son does something deserving of a reward.

does he even miss the toy?