how do you cut a controlling and abusive person out of your life when the person is your mother?

Question

I am 26 and I haven't lived with her since I was 18.

I have tried confronting her and I have tried ignoring her but nothing works because it just angers the control freak in her & she turns up on my doorstep fighting me in my home and refusing to leave.

She beat me up last year when I turned up to see her with chocolates and flowers but eventually I forgave her and she's been in my life again for 6 months and nothing has changed.
I am beginning to think she is going crazy and might need some help but I am too frightnened of her to tell her that.

I don't have the strength to cope with her harsh words and outrageous behaviour anymore. She is not a mother to me in any sense of the word. I just can't take it anymore.

Answer 1

Since there is abuse involved, you can involve the police. If you didn't love her, you could move and not tell her where you moved to. However, the best thing you can do is to get the authorities involved who can order mental testing and the like. It sounds like she needs some help, and you need assistance in getting her that help.

Answer 2

I have a similar problem with my mum, she's not physically abusive but her words are harsh. I'm 19 and have lived away from home for the past year. My mum's very controlling and tells me what to do with my life. At first I went along with her but now I've decided to just get on with my life and she can find out afterwards. It's difficult as she's my mum and I love her but it was the only option that I could find. I don't want to hurt her but I've tried talking to her nd nothing changes, it just ends up in an argument where I apologise even though I've done nothing wrong.
I suggest that you move out, get yourself a job and get on with your own life, don't call her for a few days and if she calls don't answer, when you call her back let her know that you've been busy and that you're sorry for not ringing her back, the space will let you calkm down and don't let her know what you are doing, only tell her once it's done. That way she can't control you. If you really want to cut her off completely then do it ut you may regret it later, after all, she is your mum and even after everything you love her and she loves you. Hope this helps.

Answer 3

If your mother lives nearby, this is difficult, but you can make it work.

You have to decide where the line is and stick to it. If she cannot handle that, you may have to be harsh and do something drastic, such as call the police when she intrudes on your home.

Just because a person is related to you does not give them the right to abuse you - you have the right to peace in your own home, so make sure you get it.

The best you can do is to be true to yourself.

Write your mother a brief letter. Explain that you cannot allow her to hurt you like this anymore, and if she cannot stick to the ground rules you are laying out, then you will simply not be in contact with her any longer. But if you choose to do this, you really have to stick to it - otherwise, like all abusers, she will learn that she can get you to bend away from your ground rules and get her way again.

Decide where the line is, TELL HER, and stick to it. If she crosses the line, tell her she has crossed the line and walk away. If she is at your home and refuses to leave, call the police. Give her advance warning and give her a chance to leave, but do it.

Your mother should not be able to hold you hostage. Don't let her.

Truly - the only way she can is if you let her.

You have to be strong enough to stand by your decision, so think carefully before you tell her what the ground rules are. Don't be mean, don't be harsh, just tell her she is hurting you and you have to protect yourself.

Expect her to be mean in response - it WILL happen. The only way to respond to that is to say, I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is how I feel, and when you are ready to talk about it, I'm here. Then walk away. Do not let her draw you into an argument - that's just more abuse, and what she needs to control you.

Be calm and be sure of what you want. Don't let her draw you into her anger. You are in control of yourself - don't let her take that away from you.

You can do it - I promise.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Why not write to her. Tell her in a nice way that you really can't take any more and this is the last time your can try. Tell her your sanity needs looking after so you're prepared to have one last go and getting on and if it fails you'll have to move on. If its written down she can read it several times and she can never say you said things you didn't if you've written it in a very straight way. If she doesnt understand any of it she can even show someone else the letter instead of her trying to describe what you said. This must be tough for you and its such a shame your relationship is like this but to be honest most relationships have their problems. As long as you've made an effort to put things right you should never feel guilty! Good luck

Answer 5

You're an adult woman but might it be that you don't talk to her as an adult person to other. Maybe you're still trying to talk to her like if you're her little daughter..That's the reason why she still thinks that she is able to beat you up. You can beat a child, but you can't beat an adult. Did you try to defend yourself?

Might it be that you have missed your mother all your life and missed to be a little girl. Time has changed, you're an adult, some of us are unfortunate with parents but that's life. I suppose you don't wish to cut off your mother 100% from your life but you wish things to be changed. You have to make a settlement with her, trying to convince her that both of you have to invest something in order to the communication last. For example, you continue talking to her but she has to promise that she won't be aggressive toward you etc. If someone doesn't respect the contract, the communication stops. That's something you will know the best how to organize the system of abusing the "settlement". Would it be more efficient to tell her that you'll phone the police or that you will stop communicating for sure? She's your mother and you know her the best.

Maybe you need to talk to psychotherapist in order to strenghten yourself and your attitudes..Maybe you'll find out what to do and how to deal with your mother as well...

There is always another easiest choice: move out and don't tell her your new address and new phone number and cut the communication for sure..

The question is what solution is closest to you. Good luck!

Answer 6

It seems to me that you still care about her, or this would be easy for you.
I'm guessing that to just totally cut her out of your life would leave you feeling troubled and guilty. Why should you be the one to feel that way? There are 2 people in this situation.
As hard as it will be, I would suggest telling your mom everything you think and feel - its hard to say those first words, but trust me, once you start being honest and pouring out your hurt and resentment you won't be able to stop! Get angry right back at her and say all those things that need to be said. Only then can you take the next step forward to either building a fresh relationship or parting ways.....

Answer 7

Dear lazystar, I almost cried when I read what you wrote. The Bible says that we must honor our parents and it is good to see that you have been trying to forgive and forget and wait for her to change, but until you are sure that she gets some help, which you can bring up over the phone, I would suggest that you don't answer the door if she comes knocking (maybe she'll think you went somewhere) but that you call her like once a week, and when she gets out of control over the phone kindly let her know that you love her but it hurts when she behaves that way and you are getting off the phone. Eventually she'll get the point and maybe will get some help. I will pray for you.

Answer 8

This is a sad situation, however I know from bitter experience that she will never, ever change. I had the same problem with my mother, everything I did was wrong, everyone I associated with was wrong, there was no pleasing her unless I did exactly as she said. I had moved out from her home when I was 17, however when my father died ( he didn't like her either ) she said she couldn't live on her own so she moved in with me for 12 years, she controlled everything I did, if I put my coat on, so did she, she was always with me ! Eventually at the age of 43 I decided enough was enough and one evening I went to the local pub, it must have been fate because I met Simon, it was love at first sight. At first my mother was pleasant to him, that was until she realised how serious we were about each other, then she started trying anything and everything possible to cause trouble between us. She told the most terrible lies. Within 4 months of meeting we planned to get married, we couldn't tell anyone as if we had she would have caused trouble. There were 2 friends who we trusted totally we asked them to be our witnesses, they were sworn to secrecy. We finally married 6 months after our meeting on 24 July 1999, when my new husband told my mother in the evening after we had married her evil words to us were " I wish you all the bad luck in The World ".
We decided to move out, the house was put up for sale and she was given every penny of the profit, all the furniture etc, we literary had just a suitcase of clothes - BUT it was worth it, we haven't seen her since early in 2000 and I can tell you I never want to see her again. Remember one thing you can chose your friends but not your family. PLEASE, please do not let her ruin your life. I used to feel guilty about the way I felt, but I no longer do, she is out of my life forever. If you need to chat you can e-mail me.
I wish you so much happiness and joy.

Answer 9

This is terrible. I know she's your mum but you should cut her out of your life. Tell her if she hits you, you will call the police, just because she's your mum, she hasn't any right to assault you. Tell her you think she needs help and your only telling her because you care about her and her behavior upsets you. If she gets some help, let her into your life again. I have had similar family problems and i know it's hard to cut family off because we want acceptance from them all the time but life is too short to allow people to make us feel low. Do you not have any other family member who could confront her with you and give you some support? Also go to see a doctor yourself and explain the situation to him. He may give you some ideas about getting help for her. Good luck and chin up, we can't all have perfect family lives.

Answer 10

lazystar, I was once in the same boat as you - only my issue was with my father. I eventually moved as far away from him as possible and haven't had contact with him (apart from when I go to visit my mom once a year). He never phones me and I never phone him - not even on birthdays. People say I should feel bad for cutting him out of my life but then they're not the ones who had to live with the bruises. Believe me I have tried to make a relationship with him work. His an alcoholic and refuses to go for help. I wrote him a letter many years ago explaining that I felt he should go for help and that I would support him. He never did and carried on with the abuse. I do not feel bad for cutting him out of my life as a relationship cannot just be one-sided. If I have to be honest I have no love left for him anymore and when people ask who my dad is I just tell them I don't have one. Harsh I know but now that I have my own kids it's clear to me that he never loved me or my sisters. If I were you I would try and write your mom a letter and maybe it will work out better then mine did. Good luck, I will be thinking of you.

Answer 11

I do not know if this would help. I would first move far away and will NOT tell her where I live and I would not give her my phone number (reverse phone address). And I would stay away from her. Second, I would go to a couselor (in the area where your mother lives)and talk with her about your mother and your relationship with her. And let her contact your mother to help her. And if ever you feel you have to go to your mother's house never go alone. TAKE SOMEONE WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES. Because she will not be so fast to attack you in front of someone else. But if she does you will have enough evidence to have her commited. And then she can get help. But through all this, still do not tell her where you live.