How can I make my kids not fight every day?

Question

My kids are 2 boys 8 and 10 years old and 1 girl 9 years old.They fight and tattle on each other for almost everything.

Answer 1

I know what you mean. This behavior may seem and be "normal," but it creates an atmosphere of tension, negativity and frustration. I have kids around that age, and that behavior can wreck our good times. Here's what I do:

1. I reinforce when they are "being good" (all kids are good, but you know what I mean) by giving them praise for their specific good choices. For instance I'll say, "Johnny, I liked the way you compromised with Jane on who would take the first turn." They beam with pride. Jane gets a bit competitive and wants to do a good job, too. So they have a burst of really good behavior for about 10 minutes.

2. When they are mean to each other, I make them say an equal number of good things about the other kid's personality as the negative comments. For instance, "Johnny, you are very fun to be around." That allows the receiver to hear something good and the speaker to think of something positive to remind them of their siblings' good traits! Since they don't like to do it, they also end the fights quicker when they see me about to go down that path.

3. I stop the fun activity that their behavior is wrecking. Sometimes we continue it when they stop their fighting. Other times, it's over!! We go home! ! They are upset (so am I usually), but I remind them their behavior choices caused it!

4. Extreme fighting and mean-spirited tattling gets higher consequences -- go to your room sometimes, but often something like help me change the litter box (it's their pet, too, but they hate the litter box duty!), go around the house emptying the wastebaskets, etc. I find they will fight less (for about an hour!) and I get some work done around the house. Remember, it's their house too!

I tell them to tell me about their sibling (tattle) only if there is blood or an EXTREME safety issue. Otherwise, work it out the way they have been taught over the years -- compromise, agree to disagree, say how they feel, etc. That's a picture of how I deal with that annoying tattling/fighting problem!!

Answer 2

I think it is just a part of growing up. I have two sisters and one brother, and we fought a lot, some of it was kind of violent, breaking doors and running into each other with our bikes. As we hit the teen years, we did not fight as much and now that we are adults, we are the best of friends. I have three children and the two boys bicker all the time and tattle as well. I just keep reminding them that they will always be brothers and they will never have another brother, it is just the two of them so be friends. Also I think when they are always together, it sets off the fighting even more. Try to have your husband take one of the boys out once a week and you take the other, to do one of their favorite things. Then they can enjoy you, and you can enjoy them. Take heart, it is so normal.

Answer 3

Well, of course siblings are going to fight and tattle. It's all a part of the attention getting scheme as well as getting on each other's nerves. What I found to help was something that I started when they were around 2 years old. Giving them the verbal skills to talk it out. Giving them the ability to foster patience. ( I WANT THAT TOY ! Okay, I'll be happy to give it to you when I'm done with it in about 10 minutes. WAH-H-H-H-H-H ! Mommy steps in and gives the little one hugs and understanding and defends the older one's statement. Little seems to get it and will be read to while waiting. ). As for the tattling, I try to sound annoyed at the tattler and say, " Are you trying to get me angry with your sibling ? If you know what they are doing is wrong, YOU help them to do the right thing ! " When I have had absolutely enough of it all, I just go in and say, " Okay, kill each other. I'm not helping out if one of you gets hurt because you just refuse to listen to me. So, don't do anything that will require a trip to the hospital. " That usually helps to tone it down. My kids are about 2 years apart from each other starting at a nearly 5 year old, so I can really relate.

Answer 4

I punish my kids for tattling.... that stops alot of that. Someone has to be bleeding or on the verge of dying to tattle or they get sent to there room and something gets taken away (computer priveledges for a day is always a good one). I also find if I do things alone with them, they don't fight for attention as much. Like last night, I went for a walk with my daughter after dinner for an hour, then when we came home she got in the shower and I was able to play a game of uno with my son, and then he went on a bike ride, and came home and got into the shower.. kept them seperated, and gave them each individual attention. It takes time, but the house was not a war zone last night... good luck to you.

Answer 5

I separate my children if they are fighting constantly. Each to his/her own room with no interaction for a period of time. As for tattling. In our house, both the offender and the tattler get the same punishment unless, of course, the offender is doing something that would hurt themselves or others. But then I don't consider that tattling.

Answer 6

I can say, from someone who has been through this personally, that this behavior, though bothersome, is quite normal. I am one of four children and we are all within 6 years of each other. I am the second oldest, 27, and have an older brother, 30, younger brother, 26, and younger sister, 24. We all fought like cats and dogs and swore that we hated each other and that we would never see or visit each other when we got older. Well, we're older now and that couldn't be more false, as we are all the best of friends and constantly are getting together with each other. I know it sucks for you as it did for my parents, but it won't last. I promise.

Answer 7

Keep in mind, they are children not adults. As children one of the things they learn are the rules of socialization. More correctly, you teach them the rules of socialization. You explain what those rules are, probably you’ll have to explain many times. If they follow the rules good things occur (positive reinforcement). If they don’t follow the rules they are either ignored or receive some punishment.

It is your job to teach them what is right and to enforce these rules you establish. Part of their learning is you instructing them and the other part is there observations of your acts. They learn to talk by observation, they can learn how to act in the same way.

You challenge will be the rest of society. While we once lived in a society doing as I described, today we live in a society which doesn’t believe in teaching children responsibility. Clearly the result is that society suffers from this lack of adult responsibility but more significantly the children will suffer as they become adults with no understanding of basic civility.

Answer 8

Well I have to say this happens all too much in many homes but there is a fix! Set up a reward system, for the two boys give them each a little popcorn tin and each time they do something good put a fake piece of popcorn in the tin. This fake popcorn can be anything, from yellow rolled up paper, to fake popcorn you bought. When the boys get 10 pieces of popcorn in their tins, they get a special treat. This treat could be anything- a trip to get ice cream, there choice of what the family has for dinner, ANYTHING! Do the same thing for your daughter, but give her a little gardening pot and each time she is good or handles a situation well, give her a fake flower or real flower in her pot!

Things to remember...
- Never bribe with the tins or pots!
- Don't give out popcorn or flowers for everything and anything!
- Make it fun!

Best Wishes!

Answer 9

My boys are 16 and 9 and fight, bicker, and irritate each constantly, I get no rest! It is great when one of them is away, then the other is the perfect kid. I will be watching to see if anyone comes up with some good advice.

Answer 10

I have a 10yr old boy and 8yr old girl, they fight and tattle, too, but when it gets to be too much, I take things away for a day like t.v., video games, computer, swimming...just things they think they can't live without...it works for us.