I need help, with our merging families, our kids are fighting?

Question

My husband and I were married almost 2 weeks ago. Our children got along very well before the wedding. They were all very excited about the wedding. But now things just are not going well.

His daughter is more outspoken then mine, and has been going back to her mother saying that my son is beating up his son who is 7, my son is 10. Which is not what is happening. The boys like to wrestale, and one usually gets the better of the other. And that my daughter is a B****. The 7 year old boy has been bossing around my son, and vice versa. His daughter will not even come over to the house. I guess it doesn't help that his EX is in the back ground, when she is on the phone taking to her father making rude comments. The Ex accually inhibits the daughter by feeding into their conversation, and making it sound worse then what it is. We have both had a good relationship with each other kids prior to the wedding. But his Ex wife does not seem to help the situtation.

Answer 1

Welcome to my world. There is no easy or right way to make them stop fighting, this comes with time.......no matter how good you all got along before the wedding. It's all settled in now, and they have come to realize that this is most definatley permanent. most kids dont let thier true side show until after. mine didn't. that goes for most ex's too. She really needs to butt out of the conversation but most don't. I feel it's due to jealousy. Most of the time though it's a competition to see if thier natural parent will defend them in front of you. mine tried that. It's all a matter of a control issue with the kids to see who is better.

time will take care of things, until then just try and relax and enjoy your marriage. if you start to go nuts over the kids, then your marriage will suffer, believe me. I wish you lots of luck.

Answer 2

Most of the times when families merge, the kids who were nice to each other before suddenly realize that those other kids they only saw once and awhile are now living in the same house, and they're brothers and sisters now. What a shock to a kid! It's a big adjustment. The kids now have to figure out the new "pecking order" and sometimes it's not easy at first for them to adjust, because each one wants their old role, not this new one. The rude comments on everyone's part probably aren't helping either. Have him explain to his ex that her comments aren't helping. Chances are she's just a bit upset too, because after all, wouldn't you be?

Try sitting the kids down and making them talk to each other civilly. If that doesn't work, you might try a counselor, either as a group or one-on-one for each of you. A good one will have ideas that will help you as a parent help in this transition, and also have ideas as to how to get the kids to find their new role as siblings. A session with you, your new husband and your husband's ex might also be beneficial.

In the end it all boils down to every single one of you discovering together, as a family what this transition means, and finding ways to creatively adapt in your new lives.

Answer 3

Hello,

Blending families is very challenging, and seeking professional help can get a new family unit working well together.

Here is a link to The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory, A Nationwide Directory for Counselors and Therapists in Your Area.
http://family-marriage-counseling.com/index.htm

Family counselling or therapy happens when a whole family decides to work through their relationships to improve family communication. The family looks at how to solve a problem or to adjust to a new situation. The whole family goes along to the initial appointment with a counsellor or therapist.

If you decide as a family to work through an issue or problem you need to find a counsellor or therapist who specialises in working with families. It is a good idea to ask whether the service is free or find out how much you will have to pay.

When you call to make your first appointment, or when you go to your first session, it is also important to ask any questions you may have about the counsellor's, or therapist's, working style.

If you feel comfortable enough, you may want to ask:
• What training or experience they have
• Do they belong to a professional association
• How many sessions they want you to commit to
• How often they want you to make an appointment
• Do they feel comfortable discussing your family's particular dilemma or concern
• Will they be discussing your case with anyone else.

At the first appointment it is usual for both the family and the counsellor or therapist to talk about what the family wants to gain from a series of sessions together. You may discuss how realistic this is from the counsellor's or therapist's point of view.



Families will be encouraged to talk about their relationships with each other. Each person's impression of the situation will be discussed, and whether they feel if their needs are being met at present. The counsellor or therapist will probably also want to know what made the family decide to have counselling.

During your first session, you need to decide whether you want to see this counsellor or therapist or not. In many instances counsellors or therapists will suggest a short-term contract with you. For example, your family will see the counsellor or therapist every week for a short period of time, and then review the situation.

Make sure you all feel comfortable enough with the person you are seeing. Most counsellors /therapists will be very professional and trustworthy. If the counsellor or therapist does anything that makes anyone in the family feel uncomfortable, you may want to talk about it to the other family members first. Then talk about it at the next session with the counsellor or therapist.

Answer 4

Okay, now that the newness of the two of you is wearing off, they are trying to pit one against another.
They are running to their mom trying to start trouble.
They need to realize that this is not a temporary thing. The vacation is over, so to speak.
As Brady Bunch as it sounds :-) , you need to gather in a calm environment and have a family meeting.
Lay down the law.
The rules of the house should be explained, as well as the intolerance of trying to get the ex to hate the 'new mom'.
I would also explain that you are not trying to take the place of their mom. You are there for guidance, support, and also discipline.
It will be a rough road at first but, stand your ground. It will get better :-)
I wish you luck!
Stay strong :-)

Answer 5

I suggest a strong look at how to get the marriage on track. I don't think that you or your husband is doing anything wrong...just that you need to look at the marriage differently.

Merging children is harder than getting married. I read recently that 50% of marriages with children split because of the children. Perhaps it is time for a heart to heart talk with each of them.

Try one to one, parent with biological children, maybe even separately at first. Do this after you agree with your spouse to work together on this. Consider a therapist to discuss the individual issues with the kids. ( I can not solve the issues )....then after a time, make agreements with how things are going to be. The ex spouse can really ruin or help this situation. Perhaps you or your husband can work in a conversation together with her. You need teamwork for the SAKE of the Children.

You are catching this early. Eventually this sort of thing can kill your love for your spouse...make this your first big project together. By the way, Dr. Phil recently did a show on this subject....refer to it on his website.

Good luck. Stay out of the individual fights and stick to the big picture,....the kids feel the stress of a new situation....they need guidelines...firmness, and most of all understanding.

Answer 6

Good luck with everything. This too shall pass. Be patient. A lot is happening now to you and to them. Everything is going to shake out eventually. Everyone has to go through several periods of adjustment. One thing though, as new parents you need to stick together, talk a lot about what to do, form a plan, and then stick to it. Otherwise they will pit one of you against the other and you'll have chaos for years. Don't let that happen! You are one-family now. Model that.

Answer 7

Had the same problem. Takes time, pacience, and lots of talking.

Wife came with 14 grl
I came with 10 grl
we had a baby now 3

It was hell at first, but as time goes by, life will through them situations were they have to work together, save one another, and even lie for one another.

Just spread the love evenly and everything else will fall into place.

Truth: It took 2-3 yrs.

Answer 8

MUST HAVE A CHAT WITH THE EX'S.........................
Just remember, they grow up and move out. So don't fret over the little things. Get the Ex's under control and the kids will play follow the leader.
IF the kids won't adjust.
Sit them down and let them know. THEY are not going to ruin your marriage.
YOU ALL are going to be a FAMILY. So they can adjust to your new life style or get over it.
Everyone has to understand it is a new setting and this too shall pass. Give it time. BUT STAND your ground with ALL of them, kids and Ex's.
Best of luck to you !

Answer 9

I know this is a very trying situation it all will settle down the ex is mad because of the marriage I came into this marriage with a 3 yr old and 4 yr old he came with 4 month old 2 yr old and 4 year old they all live with us it just takes time it will work out

Answer 10

Probably some family counseling for all concerned and lots of communication and lots paying attention to the kids..observing. If you really know your kids there shouldnt be any fighting. Everyone establishing their 'new' role/place/position in the family and things should get cozy once good communication is established.