I have asked questions about my stepson, who came to live with us in late May, before. My son who is 10 is not adjusting well. He really resents having to share with my stepson. I mean sharing me, his sister, his grandma, his cousins, not just material things. My son was not jelous like this when I had my daughter, so i feel it is just the idea of having an older brother come in. My stepson is still lying and stealing, and my son doesn't feel my husband gets onto my stepson hard enough. He thinks that my husband favors his own son. The lastest jelousy is because my stepson is staying with people during the day at a horse ranch, getting to ride horses and such, and my son goes to the babysitter with my daughter. The babysitter did not have room for my stepson, and the arrangement we made was the only option we had . Still it seems unfair to my son because he sees it as my stepson has been misbehaving and is getting rewarded. How do we help with the jelousy?
2006-07-26 12:47:46 · 4 answers · asked by LittleMermaid 5 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Intellegent answers only please!!!!!
2006-07-26 13:08:33 · update #1
Details: When I married my husband, my son was the only one living with us. My stepson lived with him mom and stepdad. There was never any reason to think that he would come live with us. How I am being acused of putting my husband above my son confuses me, but whatever! My stepson cannot stay with the babysitter because he was involved in sex acts with his older sister and the babysitter doesnt want him around the other parents kids. The people with the horses? My stepson is staying during the day with our 15 year old neighbor who works for them, who my husband is paying to watch my stepson. I will not put a 15 yr old in charge of 2 boys. This was our only option for summer care in our small country town for my stepson. I would prefer he go to the babysitters with my other 2 kids.
2006-07-26 13:52:03 · update #2
There are a lot of issues to deal with here. First how does your husband treat your son, it is normal for a parent to have a different relationship with their own children but do you feel your son is right about the different treatment, if so then you have to speak up to your husband, next if the stepson is lying and stealing then you need to make an arrangement for him to go to daycare and your son to go to the ranch. I know it was the only arrangement you could make BUT your son is right his step brother is being rewarded in a sense. It is hard to go from being the oldest to not being in the number one spot and your son is discovering this. Chances are without you or your family realizing it you are doing things different to accomodate the step son and to make him feel apart of the family which makes your son wonder where he fits in at. Make one on one time for your son with you and your husband and then time for all of you together as a family. Let your son see that he isn't being replaced and make him know that he can come to you and talk anytime and you will listen. You and your husband also need to have a talk and between the two of you decide what punishments will be for what action and make them the same for all the kids then sit down with the kids and tell them the way it will be, and also set rules the same and chores. It will take time for your son to trust it and his son to adjust to it but you both have to stand firm. I went through this all summer with my new husbands kids and felt like I was beating my head against a wall, but we are finally getting there. feel free to contact me if you wanna chat
2006-07-26 13:57:15 · answer #1 · answered by Martha S 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Too bad you didn't consider the welfare of your son ahead your own welfare before you got married.
Your son is right. Your husband does favor his own son more. For example, Why doesn't he get to ride horses? If he was your husband's son, he'd get to. Your son isn't stupid, he figures this stuff out, apparently far quicker than you do. But that doesn't matter, because your need for a husband has been placed ahead of your son's need for your love and attention.
Your son sounds perfectly normal. And he sounds like he's right about the kid he's being forced to be family with.
Assuming your still reading this, perhaps you should apply the same expectation to the stepson (though I doubt that your husband will let you). Don't allow your stepson any privledges that are not offered to your son. If your babysitter doesn't have room for the stepson (sounds like the babysitter doesn't want the stepson), maybe the people with horses have room for your son? No. Make other arrangements for both. You're the one who thrust your son into this, find ways to treat him equitably. It's your problem, not his.
Don't punish your stepson in any different fashion than you punish your son. I'm sure you have some form of a "you raise yours, and I'll raise mine" pact with your husband. But your son has had a family thrust upon him, and recognizes that there is no equity. "Jealousy" is the least of his reactions.
And he's not an "older brother". He's a guy you force him to live with. Know that, and you'll begin to understand your son's feelings. You're forcing intrusions on your 10 year old son that you wouldn't begin to tolerate for yourself.
Last, be sure you spend one-on-one time with your son and his sister. A solid hour a day. Play a game, ride a bike, whatever. Spoiling him - normally yes, but not under this condition. At least two people were thrust into his life without his consent or even ability to express dissatisfaction. (Are they forced to share rooms too?) Convince him that you (singular) and his sister are his family. He doesn't believe it now. Once he does, he may (or may not) choose to accept the "steps".
Keep an eye on the daughter too.
Sign me: Been there (as the kid)
addendum since last comments:
The fact that you "don't get it, whatever" is the problem. Keep making excuses, but you're still cheating your son out of his childhood so you can be married. The fact that other sane people have the same disregard for your stepson is another hint that your son is smarter than you are. I hope your at least smart enough to assure that your daughter is not even in the same house (ever) with a proven sexual molester.
2006-07-26 13:40:55 · answer #2 · answered by freebird 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
They need to spend some quality time together in your presence .Make them do activities together.Go outings together
2006-07-28 22:32:37 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you considered putting one of them up for adoption?
2006-07-26 13:04:28 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋