Crazy Mother-in-Law?

Question

My husband's little sister has a developmental disorder. Our daughter is fourteen months old and is being closely monitored by her doctors to make sure she doesn't have the same thing, and as of yet has showed NO signs. My mother-in-law however is constantly mentioning to me things that my sister-in-law did as a child and trying to get me worked up and worried about it. If my daughter does wind up having the same disorder I will love her regardless, but I think it's rude of my mother-in-law to imply that she has it when there's nothing to base her claim on. I don't want to mention it to my husband for fear his feelings will be hurt (it's his mom and his sister after all) but I do want my mother-in-law to stop trying to scare me. Any suggestions?

My mother-in-law and myself have never gotten along.. this isn't the only issue we've ever had.

She mentions things like how much money we could get from the state if our daughter DOES have the disorder and stuff like that... we're financially able to support our child no matter what, but she makes it sound like having a disabled child is hitting the jackpot.

Answer 1

It sounds to me that she may be worrying about it as well, and wants to help you to get a definitive diagnosis. I would talk to your mother-in-law and tell her exactly what you have said here - that she's your daughter, and even if she ends up having a disorder, you will love her regardless. Also, thank her for her help, and tell her you have it under control.

Answer 2

4 a grown woman 2 behave like this, trust me she's scared 2!
She's trying, without much success at doing it gently, 2 warn U.
Guilt could B playing a part 2.
An inherited disorder is probably the last thing a mother wants 2 hand on 2 her kids!
Try 2 listen 2 what she's telling U & imagine if U were her how would U feel, it's proberly a relief 2 talk 2 some1 about it after all this time.
I'm guessing it was a while ago?
I'm sure a Doc could tell U more about the chances of UR daughter having this same disorder once & 4 all.

Answer 3

My son has a developmental disorder as well, he has autism. I can see, as a mother, where your mother in law is coming from. On one hand she's thrilled that her granddaughter may not have it, but on the other hand, she knows the warning signs to look for, and wants to be sure that you know what they are too. I've done this with my sister's and brother's kids, making sure they know what to look for, etc. I would cut your mil some slack here, I think she's well intentioned, maybe a tad misguided, but her intent is good. If you really think she's being a total pain, just tell her that you're aware of what signs to keep an eye out for, and that you're looking for them, but so far it looks like your daughter isn't showing any of them. Then very sweetly tell her that you'd rather not discuss it any further, that you want to enjoy your daughter, not constantly watch her for signs of any developing disorders.

Also, if it IS autism you're talking about, you should know that only about 20% of all cases are girls, 80% of people w/autism are male. So the odds are in your favor right off the bat. If it's Fragile X syndrome, then your mil is right to be concerned, although a simple blood test should be able to clear that up, at least I think so. Good luck!!!

added: Oh, and I wanted to add that any financial assistance you get from the state does NOT make up for the fact that you're raising a special needs child!!! Yeah, there's some little perks, but I'd much rather have a typically developing child and not have to deal with some of the crap I have to deal with.

Answer 4

You need to have a talk with your husband and completely explain the situation. Your mother in law needs to realize that just because her child has a developmental disorder does it mean that yours will also. Your daughter is being monitored by doctors and they know what they are talking about. Try not to pay much attention to her comments.

Answer 5

Yes you can simply sit down and have a conversation with both your mother in law and sister in law and you can say I'm sorry that this disorder exists but so far my daughter isn't showing any signs of this and I would appreciate if we dint discuss the symptoms because we dint have any grounds or diagnosis that supports this claim so far and just end it by telling them that you and you husband love them for their concern however you both wish that your privacy and your child privacy be respected!Good Luck

Answer 6

I would mention this to your husband. Tell him right away that you're worried this might hurt his feelings, however, you need to talk to him about it. He's your husband - you should be able to bring up such subjects. Tell him how it hurts you and see what he says. I would hope he would be considerate to your feelings (I agree with you!!). Then, I would tell the mother-in-law that you don't appreciate her saying such things and that it bothers you. Tell her exactly what you just said in your question (you wouldn't love your daughter any differently and deal with it then) and that you'll deal with it when the time comes, if ever. You certainly do not have to put with that. It would kill me too. Good luck and I wish you the best with you mother-in-law and your daughter as well!

Answer 7

First you need to talk to your husband and let him know what is going on. You are his wife and this is his daughter. Second either your mother in law resents it because you have a healthy baby and it is her jealousy speaking or she is worried and thinks that you would want to know what her advice on it is, either way it needs to stop and stop now. You have got enough stress right now without her adding to it and you should be able to enjoy and love your child for whoever she is without someone else telling you what is what. If talking to her doesn't help then tell her to please stay away from your home unless her son is there.

Answer 8

Could it be that your MIL is truly concerned, and is just going overboard without meaning to? I think you need to talk with your husband, let him know what's been going on and how upset it's making you, after all it's his daughter too and he has the right to know..you can do it in such a way that you don't say anything negative about his Mom...then both of you present a united front and ask her to stop it. If and when your pediatrician tells you your daughter has it, you'll let her know, but you prefer to think positively and when she mentions things on the negative side, it's upsetting and scares you.

Answer 9

She may feel that she is the only other person who has felt the apprehension that you are feeling as a mother. Your husband is worried too, but men tend to compartmentalize problems and women tend to carry that stress with them all the time. Your MIL may think she is actually helping (as crazy as that sounds!). My advice: Next time she says "Oh, my daughter used to do that", you need to say very calmly " I really need your support with this, it makes me anxious when you say this, please stop". Once you have explained this to her the ball is in her court. I hope she surprises you by being a support. Good Luck with your little girl.

Answer 10

I think she is overly worried, scared, and probably feeling some deep down guilt that somehow she caused the disorder and could have passed to her granddaughter....assure her the doctors say she is fine,,,that technology has come a long way to provide answers early...maybe when she see the baby is ok...she'll back off