Best jokes to make me laugh(best gets 10 points!)?

Question

Tell the best jokes you've ever heard!
the best one that makes me laugh gets 10 points!

Answer 1

A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.

They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets."

The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet."

The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady says, "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"

"Sure," says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this.

The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.

"Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?"

She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of America's president's balls in my hands!"

Answer 2

Geez - I don't think I can beat that one! 'Course there's always a dumb blonde joke hovering around, and even though people send them to me, I still get blamed for them.
So there was this blonde who was tired of people making dumb blonde jokes - so she decided to prove that she wasn't a dumb blonde - starting with her husband.
After he went to work one morning, she went to the hardware store and bought some paint to paint the living room. She just knew her husband would be thrilled.
When he came home that night, there was the living room, all painted and looking great, but his wife was wearing a couple of jackets and laying on the floor sweating.
"What is this with the jackets?"
"Well, on the paint can it says to use 2 coats."

Answer 3

The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart
Nice children you've got there - are they twins?" The ugly woman stops
screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9
and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're
twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?" "No", replies the
greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

Answer 4

This pickle, cucumber and penis was having a discussion and comparing the awful things humans do to them. The cucumber told the pickle and the penis that humans cut them up and eat them. In retort the cucumber gasped and replied," do you know what humans do to us? They leave us whole or sometimes cut us up and put us in this awful stinky fluid in jars and then they eat us." Meanwhile the penis is sitting there shaking his head. He turned and looked at the cucumber and the pickle and replied" You guys think that's an outrage ? Do you know what humans do to us? First they shove this plastic bag over mt head and try to suffocate me, then they shove me down this extremely dark tunnel, then they beat my head against the wall until I puke."

Answer 5

Questions, answers….all day long!!
We have no life so we play along.

We answer the stupid, we answer the smart,
We answer question after question. How did this all start?

How did we become so addicted? We’re did we go wrong?
Now our houses stay dirty…we stopped mowing the lawn!!

We can’t sleep at night, we can’t concentrate at work
We live to answer questions to people who act like jerks

We stare at our computers till we go nearly blind
But as long as we can give answers…we don’t really mind

Answer 6

This kid and his parents go to a wedding. He asks his mom if he could go and play with the other kids and his mom said, "OK but don't get your white suite dirty." Then a few hours later the kid comes back with a brown suite and the mom asks "What happened?" the kid says "We were playing toilet and I was the toilet paper!"

Answer 7

if you think lifes bad then imagine being a egg.you only get laid once,only get smashed once and the only person to sit on your face is your mum lmfao.this is a joke 4 the males haha

Answer 8

The Lion and Tiger started a checkpoint at one of the jungle roads
no animal would pass either they eat it or f....k it.
The donkey met the monkey after passing from the checkpoint.
the monkey asked him if it was safe to pass from that checkpoint?
the donkey replied No.. the Lion and the tiger will eat you or f....k you..
the monkey asked: what did they do to you?
The donkey said: they eat me..

Answer 9

How does Jessica Simpson play bridge?


She jumps off one

Answer 10

say this your mama so fat when she is in the bath tub and put one cup of water into to the bath tub it floods