i need a answer?

Question

when will my 11 year old and her step dad ever get along ?it has been 4 years now and still they fight,i wish i could have peace in the house i do sometimes but very rarely

Answer 1

Your daughter sounds like she's been fighting for your attention for a long time. Don't listen to the guy who said to always take your husbands side. Blood is always thicker than water. Your child is a part of you and regardless of how much you love your husband she should always be number one. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but if I had to choose it would be my children first. That doesn't mean your child is not doing any wrong, she should learn how to respect your husband. But first find out what the issue really is? Is she really fight for your attention? Sit down and have a really deep talk with her then get together with your husband and find out his side of the story. If they can't come to some sort of agreement, send them to family counseling. Good Luck!

Answer 2

The first answer is NOT the way to go. Sorry, she is your daughter, and she was here before the step dad came into the picture. Besides that, she is a child and he is an adult. Taking sides is NOT the answer. Was her first father ever in the picture, or was there a divorce or a death? You know, my mom died when I was very young, and it changed my life DRASTICALLY. New step mother presented herself as a caring person at first but that changed pretty quickly after she and my Dad got married. My Dad was always on her side, and I felt like an outsider. Ended up not finishing school and leaving home. Communicate as much as possible, try not to shut either one out. But HE needs to be the adult in this, you know your daughter did not ask to come into this world, but she is here and you will regret forever if you shut her out because of a man. Believe me. My father recently passed away, and because of his choices none of his kids had much contact with him. We loved him, but he chose to live his life with his new wife and her lies. Didn't leave us a lot of choices. He told us how he was filled with regret shortly before his death. None of us were a part of his life, except for an occasional phone call. Very sad. This was almost 40 YEARS AGO!!!!. Please don't make that mistake. She is your child and needs you, even if at times she doesn't seem to. Talk to them both, alone and together. You say this has been going on for 3 years...she was only 8!!! You know, kids have enough problems today. They NEED their mother. They need to know that someone wants them and loves them. Be patient. Sad to say that it sounds like this man needs to do a lot of growing up. Why do some second spouses feel the need to make a parent choose between them and their child? Sorry this was so long, but it's just real important to me. I Good luck to you.

Answer 3

Your husband must take the intiative to fix their relationship and guide her to better communication. Best thing to do is to sit down and write down what the issues are (back talking, chores, etc). Work out an UN-emotional way to resolve the conflicts. As a parent, your husband has the responsibility to teach your daughter how to communication (along with you guidance). Don't rely on the 11 year old to initate a better relationship, however, she must be willing to take responsibility for her actions and behave in a respectful manner. If all else fails, seek some family conseling. Catholic Charities has free or reduced counseling. Also.... don't ever take sides, you risk putting yourself at odds with either one, you have to work TOGETHER as a family and make your daughter as well as your husband feel that they are understood and loved!!! Good luck!

Answer 4

your 11 year old probably still cant get over the fact that he or she has a step dad. It's probably just resentment.
More than likely won't be until your child matures and realizes that arguing with step dad isn't going to make things better or bring back the biological father.

by the way: I can't believe that guy called you a whore! What an a** hole!

Answer 5

This is a tough, tough road... speaking from personal experience..foremost, your & your daughter's relationship is the most important.

Children have amazing instincts and are a great judge of character. Talk to your daughter, and find out why she doesn't like him.. Is he hurting her in any way, and she's afraid to say? Does he hit her? A mother's husband needs to keep his hands to himself..regardless of the situation.
I lived with my mom's husband since I was 4, up until 17, and was abused by him. I've never felt actual hate for anyone like I did for him.

If your daughter doesn't like him just because it's not her dad, then that's one thing..she's going to have to get used to it..too damn bad.

But.. if she doesn't like him because he doesn't treat you well or treats her badly, then I would say take another look at things. If your friends (not his friends) and family object to him in any way, or if he has a lifestyle that isn't safe for the family, or he doesn't work or do $hit around the house to help out.. then maybe you're not with the right person to be raising your child with.

If he takes care of everybody, plays the role of man of the house and doesn't try to replace the father, then it may work out. I don't like "step-dad".. I've always introduced him by his first name or said my mom's husband. It made me feel more like he's not my dad, because he's not.

I say blood is thicker than water, and you should listen well to your daughter, spend some time just the 2 of you doing things you enjoy, and talking about life. She'll come around. This is a hard time in her life. She's beginning to go through a lot of changes..mood swings included, and you need to be there for her so she doesn't feel somewhat abandoned or like your husband has taken her place and her time with you.


I can't gaurantee you that she will ever like him. I wouldn't say, to this day that I like my mom's hubby. I have a family now, and he is a wonderful grandfather, but I tolerate him for my kids. When I call, I just ask to talk to my mom. I don't have anything to say to him, and I probably never will. This may be how it will turn out years down the road, but if you choose to stay with this man, that's what you've got to be prepared to deal with.

Sounds like your only child, and a daughter will be your best friend forever... cherish her, and know that it's your job as her mother to make her feel happy and loved.

Good luck

Answer 6

Why is a grown man fighting with an 11 year old. If it has been going on for 4 years, apparently there is a serious problem. Try family counseling.

Answer 7

There are a lot of unknowns here. My guess is that your daughter feels like he is replacing her father. Have you tried to talk to her just one on one and explain how you feel? It is important that she knows how the fighting is hurting you but you also need to openly listen to her feelings as well. She may not like her step-dad and that is her right but even if they do dislike each other, they have to coexist and be respectful of each other. Perhaps after the one on one, that needs to be addressed with both of them?

You never did say what the fighting was all about but the bottom line is the only way to fix it is to start fixing it by communicating. Good Luck!

Answer 8

Are there other issues going on here with A)your daughter, B) your current husband, or both? Children can sometimes sense or see things that we as adults can more easily miss. Counseling might give you further insight into some of the under-lying issues so you could resolve the source of the problem.

Your question is similar to one I asked a few months ago, in which I received many great answers you might be interested in to give different prospectives to consider. Here's the link if you are interested. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AgVNeXbEG3oy16x91t5gzSLsy6IX?qid=1006051927512

Best of wishes, God Bless.

Answer 9

Without knowing your family situation, personalities etc. it is impossible to say when,or if, they will ever get along. I can only say that in a year or two you and your daughter won't be getting along either due to those nasty hormones that we girls get at that age. I didn't have peace in the house until my daughter moved out and we didn't really get along until she had her own children and finally saw my side of things as a mother.

Answer 10

i really disagree with drsteve.


i think if this is going on after 4 years that something needs to change. By now, each person has picked, or been placed in a role. It won't be easy to make changes.

Could you go to a family therapist for a while to work out a way for everybody ( including you) to communicate their needs and emotions without yelling and fighting?